to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

You know something, you've been told over and over and people have even done the maths for you, and you still refuse to see. It's on you. Go on, continue with this life that you are not suited nor prepared for and keep telling yourself the problem is all to do with the ex and your boyfriend is dad of the year because he does a couple of school runs and chucked a few hundred quid their way before he quit his job. I do feel sorry for the kids but they aren't your concern.

I'm sure when you have kids with him you'll be thrilled when he does a couple of school runs and chucks a few hundred quid at you here and there before he jacks in his job. You're right, OP, he's a total catch and the only problem is the evil ex. You're about to prove how true that is!

This has nothing to do with you OP. There isn’t much more to say other than to repeat, this has nothing to do with you. Rather than post here, spend time evaluating the type of (more suitable) man you want rather than meddling in the affairs of another man’s children.

@forestcookie your posts aren't adding up. Read them back yourself.

Have you actually seen the figures/his bank account or are you just taking his word for it? I suspect I know the answer.

As a step mum, it's a really bad idea to be planning to buy a house together when you haven't met his children yet. I know this isn't the point of the thread but becoming a step-parent has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. I would very strongly suggest getting to know them and spending time together for a significant period of time before buying a property together is even discussed or considered. If you think it's hard now with his ex you have no idea how difficult it might become then.

Oh Christ you’ve not even met his children. OP you need to take a step back.

Bin him.

I'm serious.

He's not a good father and not a good partner.

Ex gets 85% of childcare costs back through UC. Yet she still expects (and DP pays) 50% from DP. so she is actually making a profit !! She sends DP the invoices so I can see how much they cost.

it is very much my business because we are saving to buy a house together. This will mean the dc can have their own room.

There are things he should not be showing you e.g. childcare invoices as it is nothing to do with you. Even if you were married it is nothing to do with you. If he has issues with the price then he needs to talk to his ex about it.

I'm older than you and a SM. I also had SMs and have/had friends of different ages who are SM so have an idea of what to and not to do. Childcare whether holiday or otherwise has to be paid for. Swimming is an important life skill and children need to be the best they can at it.

i already know that i do not want children of my own, he doesn't want more either , so that is not going to be an issue.

Still does not make him a good partner. I have childless friends and acquaintances who are SMs, they know that the DC are the priority when young. Even when adults they worry about them as they have formed their own relationships with them. You haven't met them yet after 2 years.

OP doesn't want children.

However she hasn't met his DC yet and therefore has no relationship with them.

Well she's going to end up with 2 step, that's she clearly resents any money being spent on. So she needs to rethink her life plans.

And yet she thinks she should get to say where they go swimming, how much parenting he does with them, and whether or not he ever goes into their house to see them. She was pretending earlier that she was just so worried about the effect on them because of boundary blurring. Who on earth does she think she's fooling?

She wants to dictate their life with their parents and hasn't even met them.

I knew that you didn’t have children from your first post. Honestly you have no idea, you’ve been gaslighted into thinking he’s this perfect parent. He’s a part time father with a bad income and no drive.

This is a car crash and you are loving the drama.
I bet the ex is having a good laugh at you.

How much does he actually give her on average per month?

He has a life outside of work and kids, so I don't know what are you going on about? He takes them EOW and then sees them for a few hours during the week and does a few lifts. He has a LOT of time and days where he isn't with his kids at all.
You really have a warped view about this.
He should WANT to be seeing his kids regularly but you act like every time he does it's because he's doing his ex a favour? The kids deserve an involved dad who sees them regularly ffs. Even if his ex didn't ask him to do pick ups here and there he should want to do it anyway for his kids and even for himself...but you act like that's encroaching on his free time.

What's a reasonable amount of time out of his life that you think he should be devoting to his kids exactly?

Ex-wife sounds really smart, reliable and capable. Thinking Ex chucked him for being useless, lazy and unambitious.

OP, what do YOU think he should pay his ex wife, per month, for the care of his kids?

He sounds like a waste of space and you sound worse. I will never, ever understand women who get angry when their partner attempts to support their own children. Not that he's doing much if there is no regular child maintenance and he only sees them twice a week.

Why doesn't he step up and get a better job? Pay proper maintenance and actually try to be a decent father?

If he has his DC 24/7 half of every week as he should, he wouldn't have to pay her a penny.
Suggest that, and see if he moves forward with it meaning he'll have to maybe change his job to accommodate.
He won't.

‘Making a profit’ 🤣 when she got £300 in April and the same again in August. That’s around £60 per child per month. My dad used to pay £80 a month for me in the eighties.

I find it hard to believe cms said he shouldn't pay anything, even people on benefits have to pay something.
Is his name still on the mortgage or did she buy him out?
If he changed jobs to spend more time with his children why does he spend so little time with them?
What sort of job does she do that pays 40k but finishes in time for the school run? Of course she can't pick them up every day.
The children are comfortable in their home that's why they don't want to sleep in a 1 bed flat it's not their home.
How long have they been separated? You sound very young and naive, his children should always come first.

I think the pool of available men out there must be so small when women like OP who do not have children are desperate to get with older men with no ambition, below minimum wage career, poor prospects, failed relationships and 10 tonnes of baggage that come with them. All I can think of is he must have a really big cock and actually know how to use it or something! Because he sounds like a complete dud to me and is someone else's leavings for a reason!

Women need to stand with each other, not encourage men to pay less for their children.

As a single mum, I can tell you that it's very challenging providing everything they need on one wage.

It's even more frustrating when the latest girlfriend comes along and wants him to spend all his time and money on her, instead of his children. Because then the kids suffer emotionally and financially, while their mum is left dealing with the fallout.

I hope you're not in the exes situation one day.

Absolutely zero, and see them less is my guess.

Those kids are as much his as hers and he equally responsible for them, including financially.

3 days in every 14 plus a couple of pick up and drop offs means SHE has them 11 days/14 and over 3/4 of the school runs. How knackered do you think SHE is, OP?!!

You want him to 'put his foot down'? How, exactly? He's already doing the bare minimum!

You are so not ready to be with a man with kids.

If somebody I'd never meet was discussing my finances, kids and property prices on the Internet with such venom like this I'd envision a future restraining order and wouldn't be wanting them near my children.

...he paid her over £300 for the holiday clubs and swimming etc. He paid her the same as that at easter too. The swimming is a whole other saga, the oldest can already swim and doesn't need more lessons but she insists on her continuing.

Wow. Just WOW.

You really are a piece of work.

Bit harsh.

Not wrong tho.