to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

Doesn't sound like alot in the grand scheme of parenting.

Sorry op but this man is treating you like the sweet summer child you are and has sold you a crock of shite.

Nothing he has told you makes any sense.

Go find someone better, I'm sure there's someone out there more suitable for you.

OP, there are always two sides to every story.

And somewhere in the middle lies the truth.

My DDs dad comes and sleeps at my house so I can work nightshifts as he lives 30 miles away so it makes sense for him to sleep here in my bed.When I get home from work at 7:30am the first thing I want to do is have a shower as I feel completelty minging,should I not shower after a 10 hour shift because he is there?,I get home from work at 7:30am so should I just sit around in my own home and wait until he leaves to take her to school at 8:40am before I can shower??
He also has a partner who is fully aware he is here and sleeping in my bed yet she doesn't have a problem with it.
You're being ridiculous.

Unrealistic. Of course things change to accommodate. This doesn’t/shouldn’t mean that it impacts the children negatively. But you’re kidding yourself if you think they won’t change. Just describing them as ‘attitudes and demands’ (in the round, not thinking about OP specifically) is a bit demeaning tbh.

He's not even fifty percent responsible for his own children, She's doing most of the donkey work. He needs to make more effort.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down?

Yes, YABU to 'tell' him anything, you're not his boss.

It's really not your business how your boyfriend and his ex co-parent.

Yup, ti's true

But how has his ex weaponised the kids? She accepts his less than 50/50 contribution, and she wants her kids to swim and attend clubs. She'd wanted an extra half hour on one occasion 🙄

I am struggling to keep up with this thread !

Ex gets 85% of childcare costs back through UC. Yet she still expects (and DP pays) 50% from DP. so she is actually making a profit !! She sends DP the invoices so I can see how much they cost.

it is very much my business because we are saving to buy a house together. This will mean the dc can have their own room.

They are divorced and she bought him out of the house so he has some for a deposit but we live in a very expensive area and so he hasn't bought another property yet because his wage is low. Her house is worth at an estimate 390k but we will not be able to afford that !!! She has benefitted hugely from the rise in house prices. they bought the house for 300k. and now DP will not be able to use that money to buy an equivalent property.

I don't see why dp should have to remain single because he has children. he deserves a life outside the kids and work and if the ex hasn't moved on yet well that's not his problem. i love him and i want us to have a future together. i already know that i do not want children of my own, he doesn't want more either , so that is not going to be an issue.

On wednesdays he doesn't leave as soon as she gets home because he wants to spend time with the dc and like I have already explained , they don't want to stay in his flat during the week.
I agree his flat situation is unfortunate but we are both working hard to change that.

my dp and his ex are both late 30s

You don’t want children of your own but you get into a relationship and plan to move into a home with someone who has a kids. Sorry, but this isn’t a suitable or compatible relationship clearly

How old are you OP?

Imagine she is examining your salary and thinking you should subsidize his lower income.
There may come a time when she is wondering why you don’t earn more, save more, buy him a nicer house.

So he has them to sleep over 6 nights a month and their mother has to do all the others! That's not really fair at all. Why doesn't he try to earn say £60k a year and pay more towards the children and get a better job. That would solve a lot of these problems. He might be able to do better for his children if he didn't have a new relationship.

I've been a stepmum for over 16 years, and I can tell you this is none of your business, you sound ill equipped to deal with the reality of blended family's so I suggest you walk away now....

Ex gets 85% of childcare costs back through UC. Yet she still expects (and DP pays) 50% from DP. so she is actually making a profit !! She sends DP the invoices so I can see how much they cost.

But he’s not pay his basic dues. Has he done the CMS calculator? And compared it to what he’s actually paying on average each month? Because it’s should be CM as a basic and then half of other needs like trips and activities.

it is very much my business because we are saving to buy a house together. This will mean the dc can have their own room.

The children he hasn’t been comfortable enough for you to meet in 2 years? Where will you be staying when they visit? Sounds like he’s using you for a new house…

They are divorced and she bought him out of the house so he has some for a deposit but we live in a very expensive area and so he hasn't bought another property yet because his wage is low.

A low wage he’s choosing not to change for either his children’s needs nor to save up for a better place.

Her house is worth at an estimate 390k but we will not be able to afford that !!! She has benefitted hugely from the rise in house prices. they bought the house for 300k. and now DP will not be able to use that money to buy an equivalent property.

That’s not a significant rise. What happened to the money he was given by her buying him out? This man is crying poverty and lack of ability to get a bigger place when he’s evidently received a good chunk of money.

I don't see why dp should have to remain single because he has children. he deserves a life outside the kids and work and if the ex hasn't moved on yet well that's not his problem.

When you have had children, work and them is 99% of life when they’re young. You choose to be with a man who’s already made a family, you suck this up. Her personal life is nothing to do with him trying to weasel out of his parental responsibility to have the single life with his secret girlfriend.

On wednesdays he doesn't leave as soon as she gets home because he wants to spend time with the dc and like I have already explained , they don't want to stay in his flat during the week.

Oh honey, he’ll never have to gaslight you when you’re so darn good at doing it to yourself….

How much she earns, what is her disposable income….and now what her house is worth. Op is the human daily mail!!

Only worry about the coins in your purse Op. What she has in hers is none of your business, no matter what you tell yourself!

The OP hasn't met the ex but most importantly the children after 2 years.

Also her bf is talking about his ex-wife walking around in a towel after a shower. Why?

Lol Every other weekend and a Wednesday night is not loads and even if it was, so what? They are his children, he created, should he not be a father to them? Shes got a bigger house because she's got the children most of the time? If he wants bigger or better accommodation he needs to sort that out, and why is him paying for them an issue to you? If you and him had children and split would you not want him to see them or to pay for them or are you just jealous and bitter that he's got a past?

£300 quid once a term and the ex who looks after the kids 90% of the month is making a profit!

You are in for a shock when you move in with this man and get knocked up, only to somehow be surprised at how it works.

It doesn’t sound like he does loads, he’s just doing some of the parenting which is good. There is more to parenting than school drop offs and overnights….

You do seem too involved in the detail. I think you have to leave him to sort it out himself. It is after all his relationship with his ex and children not yours. However, I appreciate that it must be difficult for you. Sounds like you feel he’s dancing to her tune too much, but you cant really change this.

I seriously doubt she does get 85% of the cost back. If she were paying £600/month every month she may get a small amount but not a lot and not for holiday only childcare. He's lying about this too, or he's an idiot who hasn't bothered to check how UC works and just assumes everyone gets the maximum!

Is there anything he's told you that you don't just accept without question?

Tempting as it is to save the day and be the best you can for your bf. Don’t. Let him sort his family out. He created this. Do not be a doormat, you’ll be forever sorting his family life out.

Ex gets 85% of childcare costs back through UC. Yet she still expects (and DP pays) 50% from DP. so she is actually making a profit !! …….. …………………..85% of childcare costs are added to the entitlement - so , for example ( very rough I don’t know all amounts ) if 85% of childcare is £300 … then she will have that £300 , plus an element for her , an element for each child . These three amounts are added together to give her an entitlement ( as an example my award as a couple , with children - one of whom is disabled - plus carers and rent is £2200 ) so hers will be less than that . Then after earning a certain amount ( standard is £379 ) per month , every pound you earn reduces that entitlement by 50p . So, with the amount you say she earns there is absolutely no way that UC are paying 85% of her childcare costs .

She has benefitted hugely from the rise in house prices. they bought the house for 300k. and now DP will not be able to use that money to buy an equivalent property………….. this is irrelevant . She owns the house , she bought him out - he had that cash . He’s not stupid , he knows house prices rise and fall and that any rise or fall would be nothing to do with him because he does not own the house . This cannot be used against her or as any reason to not pay correctly .

On wednesdays he doesn't leave as soon as she gets home because he wants to spend time with the dc and like I have already explained , they don't want to stay in his flat during the week………………….. it isn’t her fault that the children don’t want to stay with him , nor is it her fault that he chooses to stay later . She allows that time with them . Why should she expected to wait until he leaves until she can have a shower ?

@forestcookie when you get this new house together, maybe he should have full shared custody so he doesn’t have to pay anything. Solves the financial issues doesn’t it, and will ease up the childcare fee for the ex.