to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

I would say that it’s none of your business and you shouldn’t be getting involved . You don’t live together and it doesn’t sound like you have children together so , in all honesty , your opinions - and you have a lot - are irrelevant. This is between him and her as it involves THEIR children .

I don’t know why you think she shouldn’t go out when he has the children or why you don’t like him being in her house without her ?

He sounds like he’s really stepping up and being a good Dad. Why do you think he should pay less , because she earns more ? If it’s through CM then what he pays will be based on his earnings anyway , why should it be that if she works her way up and earns more that he should benefit from that by paying less ?

I think you are way too invested and this will cause problems .

Maybe you should find a less complicated man.
They are HIS kids. You get him. You get them.

There is every possibility that if he gets more settled, in bigger place, they live with you 50/50. 🙂

You’re very bitter about his ex wife and her salary - it is very obvious you don’t have children.

You seem hung up on the salary difference so lets look at that. If you put the money into a take home calculator for 2024 - someone on £25k takes home £21,519 annually and £1,793 monthly. In contrast someone on £40k brings home £32,319 annually and £2,693 monthly. Seems like a lot - £900 a month difference, £800 difference when you look at the difference in what they pay for rent/mortage.

But then when you see the wife is covering the vast majority of the kids costs and look at what those are:

1. Kids eat - every day - sometimes they can be very fussy about what they’ll eat!
2. they use a lot of electricity and water
3. they need various toiletries
4. they need clothes (as they get older they will demand specific clothes)
5. shoes (they keep growing need so many shoes, sandals, wellies) and they are not cheap
6. some keeps need glasses, braces etc…
7. they need lifts everywhere so you use much more petrol
8. depending on the age you have nursery fees and supplies, or school supplies and after school care, more clothings
9. activities - they get bored a lot and want to go to loads if places that cost money and when there they get hungry and thirsty and there are a ton of extra costs
10. meals out - no such thing as a cheap meal, you gotta buy for several people now (see the eat every day note)
11. birthdays - not just their birthdays but there are so many classmates and friends that invite them places and they all need presents
12. pocket money - when they get to a certain age they start looking to go to the cinema, buy video games etc

I am sure I am forgetting tons of stuff. I guarantee you your partner’s ex wife has a lot less disposable income than him and the kids are half his dna!

This. Ex sounds a bit of a madam, but best stay out of it.🙄

When you say he doesn’t pay a “set” amount of maintenance each week - do you mean he pays different amounts or do you mean he pays half or everything else ( childcare , clubs etc ) instead of maintenance ? If so , you are realistically saying that he doesn’t pay maintenance and you also think he should pay less than half .

Why should she pay more ? They are both of their children so should be contributing equally ! Would it be different if she wasn’t working at all- would it be expected that he pay her share too ?

I may be wrong but I’m sure childcare costs are part of the UC award - therefore reduced by her wage . They aren’t just paid for regardless - I may be wrong though , someone may correct me .

What the F do you know about her UC!! Find a hobby and stay out of her business!!

That’s uncalled for.

You know nothing about OP’s relationship and you have basically just belittled it to casual sex and implied that his ex wife is more important than her . I don’t agree with OPs post , but there is no need to insinuate things about her relationship. His ex wife is not more important than OP in this relationship, his children are the most important aspect here .

I think your comment is unnecessary and unkind .

This

He's lied to you OP.

Either he doesn't earn £25k or he's lied about the amount he's been told to pay.

Put the figures in the calculator and see for yourself.

You have a really warped view of what loads is OP if you think he does loads. He doesn't even do anywhere near 50% of the parenting, yet he is an equal parent. It doesn't matter what his ex earns, now they're no longer a couple, that's not his (or your) business, but he should still be contributing his 50% of any expenses not covered by UC. I think a PP has the right idea, if he's got so little time left after working and looking after his kids, he maybe doesn't have time for a girlfriend. Work and his children come first, he's not the first and he won't be the last parent to have little time for anything else.

I wonder what the children do on the other 4 nights of the week every week? Sleep under a hedge? Beg outside Tescos for their supper?

You know nothing about OP’s relationship and you have basically just belittled it to casual sex and implied that his ex wife is more important than her

We know what OP has posted. Two years. Not living together and not met the children. To me that's a casual relationship. He doesn't seem to want to involve her, so why she thinks she can tell him anything about how to parent is a mystery.

This is literally none of your business, stop getting your knickers in a twist about something that doesn’t even impact you. He has an arrangement with his ex wife regarding HIS children who you haven’t even met, Christ.

I totally agree that she shouldn’t be getting involved. I just think to belittle the relationship is unkind . We don’t know why she hasn’t met the children or why they don’t live together

Agreed. There is no way that on 25k he wouldn’t have to pay anything . My husband was on £30k years ago and I remember the payments being a lot .

If you have kids with him don't complain when he does exactly the same to you and your kids. He is doing very little. You think he's paying loads and doing loads. I think he's doing the bare minimum in parenting and financial support. Less than the minimum really because he isn't paying regular child maintenance. She shouldn't need to ask him for money. He should be contributing every month.

Her incoming and outgoing are none of your business. She gets the child benefit because she's the resident parent. She earns an okay salary because she works full time. She doesn't need to justify her spending to you. You are no one to her.

I reckon your more jealous than anything else. Big whoop she walks around in a towel in her own house. Your partner needs to control himself. He doesn't need to look.

OP I guarantee if your DP had the kids the vast majority of the time and all the ex did was collect them or drop them to school a couple of times a week and take them EOW you would think the ex wife was completely taking the piss and a terrible mother.

Add to that that she didn't pay maintenance and begrudged paying for activities because your boyfriend earned more and you would think she was the ultimate pisstaker and you really would have reason to feel sorry for your boyfriend.

Your interpretation of what is going on is completely warped

They're 50% his genetics, but he's clearly contributing less than 50% of the parenting and finances.

He needs to do more. Not less.

Doesn't pay regular maintenance that there is enough to tell any mother he isn't doing enough. Pays half when asked is shit you are so far from reasonable.

25k
2 kid
1-2 overnights a week
£287.22 Pcm
That doesn't provide 1/2 living cost for 2 kids so he should be paying for clubs ect. Child maintenance is the minimum legal requirement not something to strive to.

No she doesn't!
What a silly thing to say.

Just looking at when he has them .

so , he has them EOW 3 nights . So does she .

He does 2 school mornings - Mum does 2 - so who does the other one ? Does she arrange this ? If so that’s her responsibility that she takes on , not your business it’s her time with them . So out of 5 mornings , Dad does 2.

He does 1 school pick up. She does 3 . The other , again I assume she has the responsibility for that ? So dad does 1 .

He doesn’t have any other overnights. It’s understandable they want to stay with Mum as his home is not suitable .

So - he does 2 school mornings per week , 1 afternoon and 3 nights EOW . Everything else is Mum .

Surely , you must see that Mum does the majority of care. He doesn’t give her a regular set amount - he gave £300 at Easter and £300 at another time ( I can’t remember ) . So even if that was Easter until now ( if the other £300 was before Easter that makes these calculations even less ) so that’s £600 since Easter , 14 weeks . Works out at £42 per week . I can’t remember how many children , but it’s more than 1 so that’s £20 per child per week . That’s not a lot . Does he pay any more ? Is childcare on top of this £300? What about clubs etc , school dinners or lunches , pocket money , food shopping , the mortgage on their home - where pretty much always live ? Heating , electric etc ? As these costs only come in for Dad 3 nights EOW.

Are you happy to never have children? Because if you still haven't met the kids after 2 years, and yet you're being expected to listen to him whinge on about his ex while he does fuck all about it, then if you want to stay together you need to prepare yourself that you're never having kids.

My best advice as a stepmum of 15 years - if he's not willing to do anything to push back against the ex, formalise contact or financials between them, and doesn't want you anywhere near his kids after TWO YEARS, then this relationship is doomed and you need to end it.

If you're happy playing 2nd fiddle behind the ex wife forever then stay with him and watch your best years fall down the drain. If you want kids, end it and find another man.

Uc won't cover the whole expense of the child care it's only a percentage.

Also he should be paying a set amount each month, if he doesn't he has no right to moan that she asks for contributions towards the children. Also it's not hers or the kids problem if he works a low wage job, that's for him to figure out, just like she has.

Him being at her house really doesn't have much to do with you. My partner goes over to his EXs will have a chat and a tea whilst the kid's get ready. And guess what it makes for happy children that their parent's get on.

@Boomer55 @Epicaricacy
Seems you get a lot of stupid comments from the new girlfriends/new partners/deadbeat dads on here too!

I suggest you get yourself a boyfriend without an ex wife and kids. However, I suspect you enjoy the drama of getting involved in his arrangements with his ex. It's none of your business. If you dont like it, find a man without a family. How unpleasant to try and deny two little kids activities.