to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

A friend gets £7 a week from her ex’s benefit claim so must depend on their claim amount.

In that case what it seems you have done @Harrykins is project your own situation on to this one, which bears no resemblance, and come out in favour of the ops boyfriend, despite the fact I hope your situation bears no similarities other than the fact your husband has kids from a previous relationship.

Yes, I read that too, I wonder what went wrong with that plan. 🙁

I also liked the comment that the ex has more disposable income. Because when you are the resident parent and apparently the only one paying for your three children it is so very fortunate that they manage to live off air and water and find their clothes growing on the children’s clothes tree that she has planted in her garden.

I don't know why she insists on payment for holiday childcare when UC pay for it

From my experience of holiday clubs, they can range from £25-40 a day, especially if you’re needing wrap around options as they tend to be 9/10 to 3. So for 2x DC this could easily be between £250 and 400 a week. There is no way she gets enough UC to cover that and a £300 contribution for the whole summer is not extraordinary.

I’m also baffled by the swanning about in a towel thing - is your DP such a hunk she’s trying to seduce him? And he thinks it’s wide to share this with you? 🤔

I think YABU to blame the ex wife, they have kids together and he’s not really doing half the childcare right now, so it’s not loads.
the fact he doesn’t earn a lot isn’t her fault either, it’s his fault? And that’s also your perception and debatable…
it seems only fair they each pay half of extra activities costs, if he feels it’s too much then. He needs to have that conversation with his kids and his ex, it’s their decision, not yours !

if you don’t like the situation then the only thing really you can do is leave it…

OP to think that that is 'loads' is delusional.

Picks them up from school or drops off a couple of times and 3 overnights EOW is not loads by any stretch of the imagination. They are his children. He's not doing her favours or giving into demands....he's doing some parenting, not loads, some!!

You both have an extremely warped view of this.

He doesn't pay her set maintenance and you think he shoudn't pay her half towards activities etc for the kids either. WOW! Completely delusional.

She's not demanding. Your DP and you are taking the piss with your attitudes. How awful that he begrudges paying towards his kids and that you make out the mother is being greedy by not paying for most of it herself.

If you had kids with him then I'm sure you'd think he was a shit dad if he was only doing that amount and paying that amount but acted like he was going above and beyond and that you were making unreasonable demands. You have a seriously fucked up perspective on this.

What would say to you is I would have no respect for a man doing this little for his DC.

And you OP, you have a bad case of internalised misogyny.

If it was me I'd be telling him he doesn't do enough, but no, here you are talking like he is "helping her out" when they are his fecking kids.

You could be right. Tbh, I think we are all in danger of doing that every time we pass judgement on others. Don’t we all see life through the prism of our own experience? I won’t comment upon my husband, except to say that he’s a wonderful father (and great husband to me).

I hope they all work things out. I’m not on here to pass judgement, just responded at first as I thought a comment was cruel to the OP (and still think so). Maybe everything would be better for them if there was more transparency, who knows?

You don't trust him and you don't want his kids to come first. Find a man who doesn't have kids.

@NonPlayerCharacter
She'd never be able to deal with a man who genuinely did put his kids first, because this guy is doing the bare minimum and she acts like he's doing loads and is hard done by and that the ex is taking the complete piss.

This!!!

I was with everyone else to begin with, but actually apart from the towel thing I’m beginning to get that the op isn’t quite so wrong.

They share the weekends. Dad picks up 1-2 nights and would have them overnight if he could - it’s the kids who don’t want to stay over. If he had them 2 nights every week and the wife 3 nights then that takes him to almost to 50% and no maintenance due. He could insist on having them at his, but it’s in the kids interests not to. He does owe some maintenance as his ex has them the extra night (gran does pick up). I suppose the half that he pays when she asks for it is in lieu of the weekly maintence.

Looking at it that way, he’s possibly not quite the deadbeat that we all originally assumed. However the op needs to keep her nose out. He’s doing the bare minimum and should be doing as much as he can. She needs to expect that his kids come above her and not worry about the bloody towel. Him being there is for the kids sake. An extra while for the meal is also called basic parenting.

You’ve been together 2 years and haven’t met his children? I can understand not introducing them during the early stages but 2 years should mean your relationship is serious - what will happen when you eventually move in together & they’re totally unprepared? Doesn’t sound like he considers your relationship long term, as obviously he can’t plan to keep your all apart forever. Sounds very strange. Also convenient because by keeping everything separate he can tell you whatever he wants with no one to tell you otherwise.

If you haven’t met his kids I’m guessing you haven’t met his ex wife either? So it’s easy for him to paint her as the big bad witch. Eye roll.

I don’t really know what your issue is tbh. It doesn’t matter how little he earns - he should be financially providing for his children! And seeing them regularly is called being a parent. He doesn’t sound like he does “loads”. Just the basics that all parents should do.

On a £25k salary he should be paying 12% in maintenance. Paying for half their clubs etc is the absolute bare minimum and I can’t believe he doesn’t pay maintenance. Yes UC cover up to 85% of childcare but you still have to pay for it up front and get it back a month later. He isn’t a good parent.

Which is why she needs to find a guy without kids so she and he can be each other's top priorities.

Oh, OP

This won't end well for you

This is AIBU

And yes, you are

Unless you share finances or childcare, butt the fuck out

If HE wants to 'get out from being under her thumb', he will.

He's been vague about why they split
You have trust issues
He doesn't seem to spend more time with his kids now, despite leaving one job for another which gives him time to do just that
He's a fucking parent - dropping kids at school is part of that role. He isn't doing anyone a bloody favour

I wish you luck

@forestcookie theres an easy solution here for your boyfriend to deal with his ex wife’s demands.

He needs to get a better paid job / second job and buy a bigger house near where his kids live and then have them 50% of the time. Then he won’t have to pay any child support at all and he can save that £300 / year he’s giving his ex.

Simple.

Your boyfriend is doing the bare minimum both physically and financially, yet you seem to resent his ex-wife and begrudge her any 'help' both physically and financially.

You seem to have a very warped view on her situation, considering you've never met her and do not even know her. Have you considered that your view is purely based on what your boyfriend has told you? Have you considered that his view is likely highly biased in his own favour?

You seem fixated on her salary and disposable income. Firstly, you have no idea what her disposable income is. Do you think it barely costs anything to raise two children? Cause she sure as hell isn't receiving much financially from their father. Do you think that there are no associated costs of home ownership, such as having to pay for a plumber, electrician, roofer, when things go wrong? Things that your boyfriend as a renter, will not have to concern himself with.

Why do you begrudge her a large 3 bedroomed house? She has at least two children from what you describe, that's a bedroom each. Why is that an issue for you? Your boyfriend lives alone, and on his poor salary can only afford one bedroom. He doesn't have his children living with him full-time, not even 50%, so why would he need a 3-bed too? He needs to live within his means. That's not his ex-wife's fault.

Why do you begrudge her any social time away from her children? You clearly have no idea how hard it can be raising children on your own as a single parent with minimal input from the father. I'm a mother of two children, with a husband, but even I can empathise on how hard it must be for her, do to that plus hold down a full time job.

You need to stay out of it, you have no idea of the full situation, and you come across incredibly deluded. Your boyfriend sure as heck does not do "loads".

I'd like to think that the comments on this thread will wake you up and see this situation for what it is, but I doubt that. You'll end up posting again here in a few years time. "My boyfriend left me with a newborn, I'm struggling financially, and really need a break, his new girlfriend stops him seeing his baby and helping me". Let that sink in...

You don’t think he should have them because it’s at her house 😂 what has it got to to with you?

Also they are his children he is supposed to do all this and pay for this stuff regardless of how gets what money.

@Always28 but then when you have a new partner and time has moved on, arrangements need to change a bit

No they don't - the attitude and demands of a new girlfriend should not change any arrangements.

@ReadingSoManyThreads I'd like to think that the comments on this thread will wake you up and see this situation for what it is, but I doubt that.

I agree - she is only responding to the few have that agree with her to some extent and ignoring the near 99% that don't - no doubt including your well written post.

How he parents his children is none of your business. Keep your nose and opinions to yourself.

If you cut through the he does/she does stuff to the chase, there are only two possibilities here. Either your boyfriend is happy to do what he's doing for his children and is telling you what you want to hear because you are complaining, or he's a wet lettuce who can't stand up for himself with his ex. Personally neither would appeal to me in your shoes, because both denote a weakness of character that will lead to endless drama in future, as tends to be the way when a passive man gets stuck between women with competing interests. If you don't want a life that's one long tug or war with him in the middle, constantly getting worked up on his behalf and trying to fight his ex for him, you need to cut your losses while he's still just a boyfriend.

@forestcookie your DP might be able to claim some housing benefit etc if his wage is that low and he's renting?

This - from what you have described he does not do loads. I am guessing you don’t have kids and know what loads of childcare really is.