to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

All of this angst is such a waste of energy

fundamentally OP cannot change the dynamic even if she was right. It doesn’t MATTER who is right on wrong what matters is the low possibility that she can actually effect any change in this situation. There is no real possibility of the OP being able to influence anything with the DP or the ex wife. She has not met the DC and their relationship is not progressed from dating. I understand why the Op finds this situation uncomfortable but I think it’s more helpful if people highlight to OP how unlikely it is that things will go the way she wants. Even if you were right OP, and it’s all the ex, you still can’t change anything and I think that is something you need to try to come to terms with it. This is what you signed up for, you either put up with it or you don’t

There have been threads on here where people have advocated waiting 18 months to 2 years before introducing DC to a new partner. I'm sure you know how the search function works if you're sceptical about that.

Another crap dad worshiped by the new girlfriend. I hope you have kids with him and then you will see everyone on here was right 🙄

Op has nothing in the game. They don’t live together and she hasn’t even met his kids. Nothing to suggest a single person knows about her for last 2 years. Yet she has come to mumsnet to start a thread about how she is sick of the ex wife’s demands!! The ex wife who doesn’t even get basic maintenance 😂

i think on reflection this thread has been created to make her feel like she’s part of something when really she isn’t even relevant in these people’s lives.

Sorry Op but you’re not and this thread is ridiculous.

Do you not think you might be weaponised against his ex? A smear campaign if you will?

Does not matter what mum or dad want. It's what the children want and need.

They need clothes and a roof over their head. The fact that the person making payments etc is mum, doesn't mean she's 'getting more money' the house costs more than the flat and the house is needed because children need bedrooms etc.

She's not asking for him to come visit her, she's asking him to parent his children. If he's choosing to stay in a low income employment despite having the skills and opportunity for something else, this could be quite strategically done.

Regardless, if he goes onto have children with you.... You could be in her position one day. Is this a fair description of how you would want to be described because you earn a certain amount and want down time but also the best for your children?

Why should be pay for less than 50% of the kids costs? They’re 50% his kids.

Stop splitting hairs. Unless you're hard of comprehension you know perfectly well I'm saying that some people seem to deem it necessary to wait 2 years. 😆😆

This.

I said before the updates that I'd bin him off, and I still think that now.

He sounds pretty useless and you sound very jeaĺous....

Relationship is doomed

This

OP he's absolutely seen you coming.

Dump him and run.

At 29 it is probably best to step away
There are many men your age available without the baggage.
You get with someone with kids you also get with the ex.

He has kids. Probably should consider looking for some extra work to take care of his kids.
Op, you should keep out of it

It is correct that DP doesn't pay a set amount of maintenance per week or month but he does pay for half of things when ex wife asks. But as I have said he should be paying a lower amount according to his wage and I don't know why she insists on payment for holiday childcare when UC pay for it
Yeah, what was it you said? £300 recently and another £300 back at Easter? What a prince 🙄
And you want him to pay less? This cannot be real
You said you don't like him being with the children in her house without her, it's inappropriate but then, all of a sudden, she's taking showers and walking past him in a towel. What is it?
And when you say he 'deserves a life' what exactly does that mean? Or do you mean YOU 'deserve a life'? Because you do so go and have it. Choose wisely next time. Recognise that someone so feckless isn't worth the angst.

He's doing bare minimum as a father. A live in father does far more. He needs to pay more towards children's expenses. He seems quite incompetent tbh to be earning so less even though he technically has no responsibility at home while his ex a single mum is doing far better.
Be prepared to be treated same if you ever have a DC with him and if you separate.

I don't think she should be going out that night anyway

Yeah, think what you want but you absolutely do not get a say in what the ex does or doesn't do.

It is correct that DP doesn't pay a set amount of maintenance per week or month but he does pay for half of things when ex wife asks

Wow. Just wow. You don't have children of your own? No idea what a child costs?

I don't know why she insists on payment for holiday childcare when UC pay for it

That's not the case, is it? You don't need to be a rocket scientist to do a little research on that one. UC may make a contribution but it won't cover the entire cost. And that's before considering what she earns which will reduce it further.

for what it's worth, I agree that where partners are separated, 50/50 shouldn't apply when one is earning considerably more than the other. We would be screaming LTB if someone posted 'my partner earns £40k and I earn £25k and he expects me to pay for all bills on a 50/50 basis'. However, paying £300 every now and again is in no way covering 50% of the cost of those children. Not even nearly.

This cannot be real

Sadly, it probably is. My ex has found no end of women willing to be with him on the basis that he pays nothing at all towards his children.

“ I don’t know why he is paying towards childcare”

I am going to take a punt here and say - because he is their parent?

OP has others have said you have no skin in the game so back off. You don't even live together, he's a loser and you're his part time girlfriend. You have no say in his children's lives, you don't even exist for them. So back off.

I'm sorry OP. This man is not your partner by any possible definition.

And whatever you think you know about his ex, their relationship, her salary... you know fuck all.

And some of what he's told you will also be bs. Starting with the CMS. Of course he should be paying.

This is about MONEY and JEALOUSY on your part.

It isn't about the amount of time your partner spends with his kids or being at ex's houses.

You are angry that your partner is spending money on his kids which means less money to spend on you, less money to spend on your potential kids. That is what it is about.

You are jealous that the ex wife and kids get to live in a big house, and you have to stay with your partner in a small flat. You seem to forget that it is the children's home, and it is his job to make sure the children maintain their lifestyle and stability.

The wife is admirable for working full time, and doing more than her share. Your partner is doing the bare minimum. He is not a victim here.

No, I was introduced after 6 months.

The nastiness I encountered was from women with children that seemingly objected to my partner moving on with his life. Ten years post divorce - one that he didn’t initiate. Some support would have been appreciated. The children adjusted, though, which is the most important thing.

The whole subject is inflammatory and painful. So often we make judgements without knowing the whole facts. It’s not easy being the ‘new’ partner when there are children involved. When it comes to the OPs situation, what seems to be lacking is a properly sorted out financial and access arrangement that is fair to both parents and with the children’s best interests at heart. And a decision as to whether the relationship she has with the father is going somewhere - and, if it is, sympathetic transparency for the ex wife and children. All the adults have to be grown up about it all.

He takes the kids to school twice a week to allow her to work. Wow, she’s really taking the piss isn’t she?

He’s their father. Totting up what you told us, she absolutely does the lions share.