to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

29 is young and I'll be surprised if the guy isn't older.

Stay completely out of it. It is absolutely none of your business.

Having said that, I would not choose to be in a relationship with someone in such a tricky situation. His ex will be in his life for a long time and his focus should be on improving his salary and circumstances so he can have his children to stay more often.

This! What he is doing is not extraordinary @forestcookie it’s called parenting!!

TBH from her perspective it makes sense to shower while someone else is looking after the kids. I think you are mired interested in her being in a towel than your boyfriend.

YABU

Firstly, it's nothing to do with you, you've not even met the DC!

And I don't understand your comment that he 'does loads'. He takes his DC to school twice a week and picks them up once or twice. That's not even half let alone 'loads'. He has them EOW which is standard not 'loads'.

I understand he wants to have them more in the holidays but maybe they don't like being stuck in his small flat. Does he take them out?

And honestly surely he can manage to stay half an hour longer.

Me and my ex help each other out like this all the time. He never begrudges paying his half. Doesn't tally up how much CB I get etc! And any decent dad wants their DC to have not just the minimum but as much as they can provide.

And if you start 'putting your foot down' and making things difficult, ultimately he will put his DC first (if he's a decent dad) and if not the DC will not be endeared to you and again if he's a decent dad he will put them first and end your relationship.

also even benefit claimants pay child maintenance your boyfriend is a bullshit bob liar love.

That's not true unfortunately. My ex has lived off benefits the whole time and refuses to work, but CMS calculator says they don't have to pay any child maintenance. Never contributed a penny.

OP you sound territorial, jealous and far too involved in their finances. Does the ex wife know your finances? Maybe if you contribute as well to these kids you can take the pressure of your bf? I am not serious of course, but look at it from her pov.
Also these kids are small. You think this is difficult now? Just wait until they're teenagers. hahaha.

You have got an incredible cheek. Picks them up two days a week. There are seven days in the week. His family are his priority not you. YABU.

Why isn’t he leaving as soon as she gets home?

Are they divorced and did they get a financial order?

How come she is in the house, has he had his bit out of it yet?

I would go to court and get the visiting rights made officially 50/50

You haven’t even met the kids 😂 after 2 years,

Separated people really cannot win on Mumsnet. If OP's partner had introduced them to her any sooner people would be baying that it was too soon. Especially as she's 'only a girlfriend'.

And why on earth isn't he eating dinner with his children??

And all the 'this enables her to work.' Think how much time she is looking after them that enables him to work!

OP at your age I was dating a man with 2 children. We later married and are still together nearly 30 years later. Things that seem odd here: (1) 2 years in and you haven’t met the kids means he’s not serious - if the kids meet you, the ex wife will know about you. Is he trying to keep his options open? (2) my DH was living in a one bed flat when we met. His kids never missed an opportunity for a sleepover because he was a great dad and they wanted to be with him at every opportunity even if it meant squashing into his place. Your DP probably doesn’t want them there; (3) no adult in his position takes a lower paying job unless he’s trying to reduce maintenance payments (unless he’s mentally or physically not able to work longer hours). It sounds like he’s telling you a whole bunch of lies, I’m afraid.

His childcare arrangements and finances are for him and his children's mother to sort out. It's none of your business - if he moans to you about it, tell him he needs to sort things out with her, not moan to you! If he thinks it's inappropriate for her to shower when he's at the house, he needs to tell her, not you!

CMS is the bare minimum and this man has wrangled out of paying even that. What a prince among men.

So he’s given the ex £600 this year and that’s it? That’s £85 a month or £50 if he doesn’t give her any more. Way below the approx £250 CMS he should be giving.

He has them three nights a fortnight, does some school runs and that’s it?

And this man is quibbling over 30mins???

Wow. You’ve a real prince amongst men there OP. Can’t think at all why she dumped him.

This. I had to put up with an unbelievable amount of nastiness when I started dating a divorced man with two children.

Fast forward 5 years and boundaries are in place, we are married and (most importantly) the children are teenagers that are settled, happy and well adjusted. I’d go as far as to say that the ex’s life is better too (although I’ve never met her, so I don’t really know for sure). When everyone knows where they stand and respects each other, it’s a win all around. But the early days were hard.

He does well under half his share and she almost definitely picks up much of the day to day mental load too. Does he do play dates, buy bday presents for friends, homework / reading every day? Who’s there most evenings battling them into bed or wiping tears over friendship disputes. It’s huge. And she works full time.

Even if he did more than his share (he absolutely doesn’t) it’s between them.

Also £300 for summer clubs and activities is a drop in the ocean…

There isn't a version.
There is only the perspective reality of each person's individual experience.
These situations seem common among adults who are still undermining each other post-split.
Buckle up OP, because this is your life from now on stuck between an ex and their post-split mismanagement of the family they created.

Him doing loads with his kids would be he has them 247 as a lone parent.

He occasionally has them not even half the time. He should also aim to earn more to support his own children.

Also he’s just a casual boyfriend to you whereas he’s an exh and dad to them so stay out of it.

Exactly! Don’t get me wrong, no one wants their kids to meet new partners too quickly but 2 years is a bit ridiculous, the other way. After all if it’s going to be a long term thing, it’s important for her BF to know how she gets on with his kids, and for her to know whether not it’s for her. So either her BF isn’t seeing OP as a long term prospect and is therefore sensibly keeping his kids away from her, or the ex has no idea OP exists and he’s either worried about ex kicking off about his new GF, or is hoping there’s a chance they may rekindle things.