to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

If you’re planning a life together, I’d suggest that two years is long enough and you should be meeting them now. But that’s (both) of your decision.

@forestcookie you are 29 years old. This man is not your dear or darling partner. You don’t live together and you’ve not met his children. He is a half arsed parent both practically and financially, enmeshed with his ex and boundaries are blurred with the ex too. This entire situation is a walking red flag.

He looks after his own children three nights a fortnight and does a bit of before and after school childcare. Why is this an issue and why is it your business?

walk away from all of this is my advice to you at 29 years old age - a young single woman with no children
pour your mental energy into yourself and your life not the periphery of his

Hahaha this could be about my ex (though I don’t think he’s dating considering his lifestyle). Pays bare minimum, has the kids on average 5/6 days a month (more during holidays), thinks he doing me a favour doing anything extra (like the time one kid was ill over the holidays so had to leave the others with him whilst constantly at the doctors), genuinely thinks he ‘co parenting’ though. Poor man is done in apparently. Wouldn’t be able to find their doctors or book an appointment if needed, take them for hair appointments, sort their medication (hell he’s let me down so many times just picking it up from the pharmacy a street away from him). Couldn’t name one of their teachers, has bought them one set of clothes for his place with no spares, has never booked a fun event/holiday, arranged it, taken them there…

This man is doing the bare minimum as a father (the work he is equally responsible for, parenting) and you feel sorry for him op? God the expectations of men from some women is an absolute joke. He should sort out his life, not be absolved of his own responsibilities.

I don't know exactly why they split up, dp said they grew apart during covid.

He also said he took on a worse job to spend more time with his kids.

He's doing the bare minimum... this is absolutely nothing to do with you lol you've not even meet the kids wow lol

He sounds awful OP. Do you really think it’s acceptable that he only pays towards his children when asked? Do you think she should have to actually ask him for money for their joint children? Do you understand how much raising children actually costs, the day to day costs to meet their needs? Then you have the mental load too.

Honestly don’t waste any more of your time on him especially if you want a family of your own.

Haven’t assumed anything other than Op was young. And given her posts it was either that, not bright or totally blinded by a rubbish father.
Everything else was fact. So ‘AWFUL lot’ is a stretch.

As it turns out Op is 29. So probably one of the latter.

@Harrykins - the reasons the boundaries are blurred is because of the father. If he wants to see his children, he has no choice but to see them at their house because of of his choices/actions. He has chosen to have just one low paying job which results in him having no where for them to visit and they don't want to come anyway. If he is not capable of getting a better paid job, then he could work a second job, given that he has plenty of time free to do so, as he is doing so little parenting. That would allow him to get a 2bedroom. He has chosen this. He has also chosen to tell the op about the towel. One can draw their own conclusions as to why.

@forestcookie at 29 you should have the world at your feet...why are you wasting your younger years with a man with a complex set up who has one failed marriage already and doesn't pay CMS for this kids... CMS is an absolute basic amount. He sounds like a dead beat dad waster. If you get pregnant by this man, you are going to find out why his last relationship broke down..I would be asking a lot of questions, including of the ex. I wouldn't swallow the poor me, I had a psycho ex wife yarn as it's the oldest tale in the book! It's what crap men use to shift the blame onto someone else for a breakup and not take any responsibility. You are still young and cam either learn the hard way or save yourself the trouble now and do some digging.. there are red flags waving at you, don't ignore them!!

You haven’t even met the kids 😂 after 2 years, don’t live together…I’ll say it again, he’s not your partner, he’s a boyfriend. His ex is the higher earner as well as doing the majority of the childcare, and he’s not really doing a lot in comparison. He’s not paying regular maintenance. It sounds to me like you begrudge the time he spends with his kids and have insecurities about his ex, which suggests maybe you’d be better off finding someone without kids, because they’re not going anywhere. I feel sorry for the guy, he’s not exactly father of the year but he’s at least trying to co-parent harmoniously with his ex, and have a relationship with his kids, but also has you whinging in his ear with your misguided views about what he should and shouldn’t be doing.

Imagine you had 2 kids and were no longer with the father, what would YOU be expecting from that person in terms of financial and time contributions?

Well, the dc don't stop needing things because he's earning less. £300 isn't a huge contribution at all for swimming lessons and childcare.

It sounds like he's doing the bare minimum and you're falling for the story he's giving you about being a great dad.

But OP thinks the poor little lamb isn’t responsible for financing his kids because his ex earns more, so apparently it’s her job to not only subsidise his occasional parenting, but his finances too.

I wonder if OP still lives at home, being financially supported to some degree by her own parents…

You know something OP, having thought about it a bit I feel sorry for you. You're young, you have no experience of parenting and your outlook on relationships is obviously not mature or realistic because you seriously think the problem with this crap relationship is his ex and you don't even know why they split up. You don't seem realistic about money either. You're probably not selfish as much as just really, really naive.

Let this one go, it's a hiding to absolutely nothing at best. Find a single, childless man your age (is this guy older?) and build a proper life together. If kids come along, this is all going to look very different to you.

Oh and UC doesn’t exist to raise his children for him! Another argument I had with my ex when I said I was paying £100 a mont for after school care and it would be good if he could pay half of that on top of the tuppence he gives. No, apparently I should go cap in hand to UC to cover it (not entitled due to being an unpaid carer to our disabled children anyway).

OP it’s quite obvious he’s keeping you as a non committal fun girlfriend to have on the nights he is free but doesn’t see as anything serious in his life. Theres a reason he has picked someone still in their 20s.

Uc won’t pay all her childcare. You live in cuckoo land. She might have a large entitlement but ever £1 she earns over just over £600 a month she losses 55p 🙄

also even benefit claimants pay child maintenance your boyfriend is a bullshit bob liar love.

also not the gov job to raise reckless mens kids. His decided to earn less on purpose. A knight in shining armour he certainly ain’t. More a tinfoil tosser.

I know.

Based on 2 children, staying one night per week with their father, who has an income of £25000 a year, he should be paying £332 a month according to the CMS calculator.