to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

That's ridiculous that she's insisting he pay for childcare for the kids when he can and wants to be looking after them himself. He does seem very much under his ex's thumb, trying to do the best he can for his kids, but he shouldn't let himself get walked all over in the process. Presuming he has parental responsibility then he has equal say in the parenting decisions.

Also, his income isn't so low that he doesn't need to pay maintenance - CMS calculations don't have a minimum cut off (all earned income is taken into account). Based on what you've said he should be paying about £250 a month in maintenance.

Unless he has the children 50% of the time and is responsible for (and paying) 50% of the children's costs then no OP he isn't doing "enough".

As for the shower thing this is a you and him problem. If you can't trust him to be around her why are you even together?

To answer some questions

No I am not pregnant

I don't know exactly why they split up, dp said they grew apart during covid.

Yes the children are in primary school.

It is correct that DP doesn't pay a set amount of maintenance per week or month but he does pay for half of things when ex wife asks. But as I have said he should be paying a lower amount according to his wage and I don't know why she insists on payment for holiday childcare when UC pay for it.

I'm 29, haven't met the children yet as DP wants to keep them separate from our life together which I completely respect

Ex does not have a partner as far as DP is aware

Completely unfair on the children. What on earth are they supposed to think? That their parents might reconcile one day? No wonder divorce bewilders and devastates some children.

@DaniMontyRae - because the op doesnt understand much what maintenance is. She thinks that the ad hoc paltry contributions towards swimming counts as maintenance, but that he doesn't actually pay any standard weekly amount.

"She did a cms claim and they said she wasn't entitled to anything because he wasn't working enough."

He's lying to you. He can't earn £25k and get a zero cms award, he should be paying around 300/month EVERY MONTH. And if he is just paying for half their swimming lessons and holiday clubs his ex is paying WAY more then him and her mother is parenting as much as him from the sound of it. Christ.

He's a loser and a liar, find someone better.

It's her house and she can shower whenever she likes. If you don't trust him that's not her problem.

And as if you give a shit about the wellbeing of the kids after complaining that he does a small bit of parenting and they don't use a cold, shitty swimming pool when they don't need to! As if you even believe their dad coming by sometimes is "boundary blurring"!

You don't trust him and you don't want his kids to come first. Find a man who doesn't have kids.

I am looking for what is special about this 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I live in a 2BR flat because that's what I can afford. As much as I'd love a big beautiful house where I can grow lots of stuff.

As a parent I know the holidays are going to be more expensive, so I'll spend more - clubs, activities, food etc. I'll even forgo some personal 'luxuries' to afford these.

My daughter can swim, but thoroughly enjoyed it, so I spent years paying for swimming club so she could continue. Again, forgoing some stuff to do so.

He shouldn't be paying half the cost? Well that's some bullshit, given they're half is and the things he's paying for benefits them.

CMS says - again, bullshit. They even take something from your benefits. Right now he's being a decent father, not a super dad.

What her mom does is to support her ams nothing to do with your partner. He could arrange his own support if he needs it.

Expensive rents are not her fault, and no relation to her mortgage.

Her disposable income - again nothing to do with him now they're no longer a couple.

Good on him for trying to keep the kids happy and stable.

He doesn't pay maintenance AND should pay less for the dc activities etc?

Nope.

Move on.

You’re supposing an AWFUL lot about people you don’t know. I’m flagging that often the situation is more complex, devastating and complicated than an observer might realise.

I completely agree. Nothing here is healthy and that’s why I advised the OP to get out whilst she can in my earlier post.

you can be a good parent and also have clear boundaries, a set routine and equal respect for each others time. None of that exists here.

He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week
He picks the children up once or twice a week
He has them EOW for 3 nights.

She takes the dc to school 3 mornings a week
She has the children 6 or 7 days a week
She has them around 21 nights a month
She sorts out all their holiday clubs when they aren’t at school
I will bet she books all their appointments with dentists etc.
She feeds them, clothes them, works Full-time on top of all this.

Is this sinking in yet????

There could be a number of reasons for this though, like if he doesn't confirm what weeks he has available when the slots open for HC, I have been in this situation before where I have said to ex "I'm taking 03/08 and 10/08(eg) as AL to cover summer hols can you do any then I will fill in the blanks with holiday club" only for him to fanny around and not give a straight answer. I book all school hols and half term off in Jan so I can book clubs as soon as they become available.

If I'd not booked HC when I did I would have been left short when inevitably he wasn't available for the full 2 weeks and he sure as shit wouldn't have called into work to explain he had childcare issues. You don't always have a lot of wriggle room, once it's booked up it's booked up

Unless she is expecting him to do more than 50% of the childcare and pay for more than 50% of the costs of raising his children, she is not being too demanding. They are his children. No father is doing his ex or his children any favours by dipping into his pockets or his time to raise the family he created. He is merely doing a fraction of what needs to be done.

Obviously I don’t think much of anybody that doesn’t pay their share towards childcare, whatever father or mother. But I’m discussing boundaries - which do appear to be blurred.

As an ex who was left looking after the children twice (two different father's) there are so many holes in this story.

1. Nobody earning 25k has a zero CMS contribution...unless they are SE and fudging the books.
2. UC is based on a sliding scale of earnings and the childcare element of UC for someone who earns 40k will not cover the full cost of childcare - I am pretty sure i didn't get any tax credits when i earnt over 36k but aware things change
3. Child benefit is allocated to the primary caregiver at the address where the DC reside - where their GP, school address etc is registered.

well, quite!!

and he doesn’t pay a consistently weekly amount
and he pays half for activities “when she asks”.

This.

Oh, and you can bet he didn’t reduce his working hours to ‘spend more time with the kids’. It’s so he doesn’t have to pay any maintenance.