to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

I always think it is a good idea to imagine that you have a child with a man you are in a relationship with, you split up and then consider what you would like him to contribute to raising that child. It happens a great deal, so it is worth just going there for a moment.

Do you think you would want a man who has a decent wage and a decent attitude to being there for the children he helped bring into this world? Would you want him to put his child with you as a priority over his next partner? Just think in your head how you would want all of that to pan out. Then step back and have a good look at the man you are with now. Then re-ask yourself the same question about whether or not you are sick of his ex-wife's demands and see how you feel.

Good luck OP.

I feel for the poor kids in this, you do realise they are HIS kids right? and if you are wanting a serious relationship with him you will be step mum potentially one day? It sounds the children are a hindrance to you as its taking precious time away from your relationship; when in reality the most important relationship is the father with his children!

He does the bare minimum in regards to child care and it sounds as if the current "rota" doesn't suit your needs rather than his. I don't see the issue in the mother asking for an extra half hour on a night considering she has the children every night and your partner doesn't? She deserves some time off! It is one night and half hour more!

He should be paying 50% towards everything for those children, regardless of how much or little he earns. Seems a bit odd he got a less paid job to spend more time with the children yet he still does so little for them? So i am not surprised the children want to spend more time with their mother as she's putting their needs first and not moaning! Everyone knows most holidays from work isn't enough to cover all the school holidays, so yes if he isn't offering to look after them i don't blame her asking for contributions towards holiday clubs etc..

If you don't have children, you won't understand. You both come across quite selfish.

Why do you keep not saying how much he actually pays each month in maintenance? You've claimed cms say he doesn't have tonpay anything (sounds like bs) and then that the ex should be grateful he pays something. This makes me think he's paying a pittance and then whining about it.

So even though he does significantly less parenting of his children than she does, you consider his contribution too much, and hers not enough? Are you aware you’re a misogynist?

I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like.

Why? Do you think there's a risk he'll shag her? Otherwise I can't see what the issue is. And tbh it doesn't sound like she would want to anyway 😬

She did clarify. He pays nothing. Zero contribution to his children's everyday upkeep.

I've been there with 2 SC - my advice is don't get involved. Just try to let him fight his own battles (if he wants to) and try not to get involved in this part of his life, otherwise it will frustrate the hell out of you.

Wait…so he’s now not paying maintenance as you have just said the CMS said he didn’t have to.
Added to which he changed jobs to spend more time with the kids yet hardly spends time with them.
And what the fuck has it got to do with you where the children swim.
Mind your own fucking business.

So far her demands seem to have been that they go to clubs and learn to swim. That he leave half an hour later as a one off on the one evening he has them, that he contribute financially towards his own children and that he spend more time with them. That really is very basic.

I imagine they must both be in primary school if they are needing to be collected and dropped off. So that means when he he was working his long shifts he was away from them for their entire waking life. That can't have been great for his ex to parent alongside.

But she said that he does pay maintenance in one of her posts.

Agree with most of this.

"Probably a decent guy" when he took a pay cut to avoid paying for his own children? Not so much.

@harrykins you have to be joking. The Op is complaining about the ex wife working, wages…basically life. Whilst her DP does hardly anything yet think his couple of pick ups enables the wife to work and going above and beyond. Failing to realise the ex is basically raising two kids alone.
He’s a grown up with two kids to raise yet doesn’t even pay maintenance let alone facilitating an environment for his kids to have space with him. And we should sympathise with this lazy man?
That’s before he starts a relationship with the someone with the maturity of a peanut who thinks he’s gods gift to fatherhood. I can only be kind and assume Op is very young with no life experience. The DP is an absolute failure of a father who is trying to whip up jealousy in a young girlfriend to hate his ex, to blind her from the glaringly obvious facts that he’s a deadbeat.
Let’s save our sympathy for ANY single parent that deserves it. (And in this thread, it’s the Ex).

Maybe she's finding it difficult to keep up with her own story?

Exactly. But he takes his kids to school 2 mornings a week!! O_o

So he’s being a parent and you want him to do less? 😂😂😂 yeah no.

She did a CMS claim and they said she wasn't entitled to anything because he wasn't working enough. So he is already paying way over what he has to

How generous of him, not paying maintenance because CMS say he doesn't have to.

But paying a bit here and there when he feels like it, eh?

Truly a prince among men.

Why did they split up, OP?

Such a good father! Not! He sounds like an utter idiot

Exactly if he has to go to her house to look after the dc then she should wait until he has gone before jumping in the shower ffs.

Oldest child still gets upset by her mum and dad not living together and I think the blurring of boundaries doesn't help.

Having someone so emotionally immature and spiteful around my children would fill me with dread. Poor kids. Thank goodness their mum seems to have her head screwed on right.

Another poster hit the nail on the head: this isn't the right relationship for you.

You have a boyfriend you don't live with and souls he happy and having fun. Instead you're being dragged into, or inviting yourself into, all of these problems which aren't yours.

You're childless, he is not. You should be his third priority. You can literally go and find someone else who doesn't have children and you can be eachothers first priority. Start fresh.

Or, carry on down this path and get more entangled. Maybe have a baby with him, see what a good dad he is then. Come back and update us.

As I said before, you're just upset because she has a shower when he's there.

You obviously don't trust him.