to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

🫣

If she is the ex is the least of her worries the “dp” is. And more fool her for hitching her wagon to him.

You can bet your life she's the one juggling her job and annual leave any time either of the kids is sick, or childcare falls through.

OP your DP is a deadbeat and I'm shocked you can't see it. Doesn't pay maintenance and you're shocked he has to pay a measley £300 a term. My God, your bar for a decent man is low and I hope you get some standards and don't get pregnant by him - you're in for a shock about how much kids cost and the time they take up.

The starting point nowadays is supposed to be 50:50. He should be having the kids 50% of the time and doing 50% of the school runs. This is because they are his children. This gives each parent supposedly time off and time to work.
Where a parent has the kids less than 50% of the time, they are supposed to pay maintenance to make up for this. But no amount of money really makes up for having a parent who doesn't do his share. Don't ask me how I know. Hollow laughs from all the parents on here whose exes don't do their share.....
Your boyfriend is taking on only a very small share of his parenting responsibilities. He should have the kids 50%. The difference between what he does and that is extra work that his ex is doing. When does she get an evening off?

Make sure your contraception is doubled up OP, you really don't want a child with this man
My money is on an 'accidental' pregnancy to force the issue. That's usually the next move in the playbook when a 'new' partner wants to interfere in the time spent with his kids.
The fact that he spends fuck all time with them, fuck all money towards their care and changed jobs to avoid having to contribute makes me wonder exactly what 'life' he 'deserves' that you think he's missing out on OP?
And why you set your bar so very low that you think this loser is some kind of catch? He's the one who made a choice to earn less so any anger you're feeling is misplaced. This is your life if you choose it. A man you'll have to support and a family that came before you. Good luck with that

How dare the mum expect the dad to contribute both in hands on parenting and financially towards their shared DC. She's completely unreasonable and its fine he's paying no CM. If he's on £25,000 as OP says and CMS are saying no maintenance is payable looks like he's doing something dodgy with what he's declaring too.

Oh good point. Why is he telling you the ex was nearly naked in front of him?

Metric has the answer. He's playing you like a fiddle OP and you are falling for his shit.

Stop begrudging those kids of having their dad around. If he were still with the ex he would probably do all those things so why wouldn't he do it just because they have separated. As for the finances that's for your partner to work out what he can afford as he lives apart from them, not you. I realise he also needs to make sure he can afford to live as he's not in the main home and it does sound like she gets help but they should figure that out together.

Ok. So they 'own' the kids 50/50, but the mother has them 80+% of the time, and provides for them completely on her wages, food, clothes all the daily living expenses that children need, aside from occasional money for some ad hoc activities from your dp. He is probably a decent guy, but he absolutely is not doing or giving too much. And you are ridiculous.

That would be hilarious if it wasn't so sad!

This! Why is the standard so low? Even the language - he facilitates her by taking them twice a week, rather than she facilitates him by taking them three times a week. He would do more but he works. She also works and has her children the vast majority of time.

This isn’t the relationship or the life for you. It isn’t going to change and if you move in together it will get worse for you.

His children deserve a father who puts them first in his life, and is 50-50 responsible for them, time-wise and financially. This knob isn't and he's got you yapping in her ear now too!!

He does fuck all 🤣🤣🤣 also not her problem if he earns half as much. Also she doesn't get UC help if she's on 40k 🤣🤣

You think that's doing 'loads'. It's sweet fuck all parenting, what are you 12? I bet you are the younger women he left for. Well news flash, I wouldn't have kids with your delightful DP he sounds like a dead beat dad. Poor kids having a step mother like you. Grow up. Kids are a full time commitment! Perhaps your DP should step up and get a job that pays better so he can contribute properly. Who pays for the school uniforms, the clothes, the medicines,the food, the day trips, the holidays, the school events. You have no idea if you think the few items you've mentioned are anything like what it costs to have a child!! One day you will have kids yourself if you are lucky and you are going to grow up so fast and realize what a loser this guy is!

Ok, so he gets a girlfriend who thinks he's a tragic, put upon hero because he does a bit of parenting and his ex is the villain in everything. Makes sense.

What on earth do you get out of it?

I haven’t RTFT so don’t know if someone else has addressed this but regarding this comment:

DP drops off at school 2x per week
Ex drops off at school 3x per week
DP picks up from school 1-2x per week
Ex picks up from school 1-2x per week
Grandma picks up from school 2x per week
So agreed main difference is overnight

You do understand don’t you, that we are talking about actual children here, not some sort of job share? There is more to parenting than just the number of hours you have them. Who takes them to the Dr when they are unwell, arranges their dentist appointments, washes their clothes, teaches them to keep their room tidy, ensures their homework is done, is the main contact for every school-related bit of admin, arranges play dates, ensures they have a good diet, arranges the swim lessons and the holiday clubs?? Cos I’d bet my house on the majority of that not being done by their male parent. But hey, he does loads right? And ‘apart from the overnights’ (WTF?!) it’s all equal.

No.

Absolutely it’s inappropriate. Such arrangements only work when there’s excellent communication between all of the adults involved, but I completely get this making you feel uncomfortable.

The children are the primary focus here, but they are not helped by blurring of boundaries. And they are not helped if all of the adults are not relaxed and ok with arrangements.
And for all of those posting about the ‘loser dad’. They have no idea of his relationship with the children. So often men suffer after divorce. Downsized and no room for enjoyable access visits. Decreased time with their children. Some empathy towards single fathers wouldn’t go amiss in society. Many of them don’t choose this scenario, it’s forced upon them. Marriages break down. There’s no ‘winners’ and it’s not a competition.

This is none of your business.

Your options are to stay in this situation or to leave him to it and seek a relationship elsewhere/be happy single.

You do not get an input into how he negotiates time effort and money with his ex. If you can't accept that then leaving is the appropriate option.

Are you? Does he? Really?

Wow.
And SMH.

You really are overstepping the mark! WTF do his ex's commuting costs have to do with you? He chose where he lives, so that's on him!!

Your attitude stinks!!!

"Unfairly"????!!!!

There’s no easy way for you all to be happy to be honest- when you say she has time to socialise, she doesn’t really outside of a very exact window. And comparing means nothing, she has her house but her kids need to live in a house, she’s on more but she’s paying for more. She’s on her own. Yes I do feel sorry for the deal mostly men get sometimes, but thinking the other person is living it up is ridiculous

Did you miss the bit where he doesn't pay any maintenance @Harrykins . What do you think about that?