to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

It’s absolutely disgusting your bf is not contributing financially to raising his DC. Extras like swimming/summer camp don’t even touch the sides.

I have no idea how you could possibly be attracted to such a shit father who actually thinks he should get a share of benefits his ex has to claim because he’s such a loser he doesn’t pay regular maintenance for his kids and complains that the little he does it too much. He’s a parasite and you must be desperate and not picky.

My fanny would shrivel up and clamp shut. It would make me want to vomit.

The ex’s mother doing a few school pick ups does not negate your shite bf’s responsibility at all.

OP

I'm the mum in this situation.

I earn far more than my ex husband does. With 2 children.

When they were younger, yes I expected him to pay half h the child care so that we could BOTH work. Because it's very difficult for most people to get more than 2 weeks off over the summer holidays,

With all due respect, you sound very naive, do you still live at home? Just curious.

I'll tell you now, despite the fact my ex husband has the children 3 nights a week, sometimes 4, my outgoings are considerable higher,

Because although we've got no childcare costs theses days, they grow like weeds, they eat like bottomless pits, I've just bought my son his 7th pair of school shoes this year alone, I'm guessing your do doesn't chip in for uniform costs either, which is a year round thing not just a one off cost,
School trips
Money for them to go out with friends
New clothes
Snacks
Sports clubs
Swimming lessons
Energy bills
Other bills.

So you have no idea what her disposable income in, unless you've seen a full breakdown of her bank statements.

Why begrudge her a meal out with a friend? She works full time and has young children.

It really isn't your business. He's not asking you to pay,
It only becomes your business when you do plan on living together. And at which point he shouldn't change anything with HIS children.

I also imagine is she's earning 40k her UC amount will be very little.

You have no business dictating where they should send their children for swimming lessons,

Why should their life change because their parents have split up, they both still have responsibility for the children

How is any of this your business?

I think this is best left for the parents to sort out together. Personally, I wonder why he cant just have the children overnight instead of staying at her house waiting for her getting home at 930pm. The children may prefer to be at mums house but there would be nothing wrong with saying mum has plans so you will be staying at mine tonight. Then doing a movie night or something. I think children ultimately have to come first and if that means him cancelling seeing you that night, so be it. Financially, again it is for the two of them to agree. I would never see an ex struggle if I was earning more money personally. But it isn’t for a third party to get involved. Just be his sounding board, offer advice if he wants your opinion and leave it at that.

Stop talking about what her mother is doing to help her with childcare! She’s a single resident parent to 2 children and working full time, thank god she has a local mother who is happy to help. The grandmother is helping her daughter, not her ex son in law. What the grandma does is none of his concern and doesn’t reduce how much he should be doing.

Yabu. He doesn’t do loads. The mum does most of the parenting and pays for all living costs. She ropes in grandma to help. I won’t say dad is helping too because he is their parent and you should both see what he does as parenting his kids and not ‘helping’ mum.

Him seeing them at her house is no big deal. You either trust him or you don’t. It makes sense given his living situation and that they prefer to sleep at home in the week,

He pays no maintenance ffs so it is perfectly reasonable that he contributes to pay half of the extra curricula expenses. Holiday clubs don’t count for UC so far as I know.

You sound as though you think because she earns 40k she should be paying for everything and she almost is. How far do you think the take home pay from 40k stretches when you are paying for (almost) everything?!

I am not sure this is the relationship for you. It sounds like are going to get more bitter as time goes on and are already winding up your boyfriend so he thinks a reasonable request from mum like him having the kids until 9.30 so she can have an occasional evening out it is unreasonable! Why cant he eat there or take the kids out for tea? It won’t be good for any of you if you carry on, kids included.

Why on earth is he telling you about needing to pass his ex on the landing when she has a towel round her post shower?

Hes playing you OP. Drumming up your jealously alongside anger at her so he can be the victim. Before you know it you will be doing childcare so that you can protect him from her seductively swanning about in a towel in her own home.

hilarious. You really are being very foolish to waste time on this waste of space

Because OP is being unreasonable, that's why. She needs to get a grip.

What is it you want?

For him to spend less time with his children, for him to be a less involved parent to his children, or for him to reduce the amount of money he contributes towards the needs of his children? Or all of the above?

He's doing the absolute bare minimum, OP.

And you plainly have no idea how expensive children are. For a start, you need a much bigger house than a single person, so rent/mortgage, council tax and energy costs are a lot more expensive. And they will insist on growing, at an alarming rate, so are constantly needing new clothes and shoes.

If she's getting UC for anything other than childcare costs, she won't be well off. I don't have kids, but I've been doing welfare rights and financial capability work with families for nearly 20 years, and I see how much of a financial struggle it is to bring up kids all the time.

Metric makes a very good point.

i still don't get it. is the £300 towards clubs his "maintenance" and OP thinks this is generous? how much does he pay on top of this if he is paying maintenance? if he isn't then i am not sure why op thinks this is a lot. it's not even £100 per week, so less than £50 per child. sounds like op's bf deliberately ran down his earnings to avoid CM but still wants to see his kids (and no doubt the overnights also contribute to the CM calculation). that isn't a flex. wife's earnings are entirely irrelevant. seeing the children in their own home rather than his pokey flat is much better for the children and makes sense. Op presumably you don't have children and that's why you don't really get what's going on here. children should be all consuming. they are your life. if he doesn't pay for 50% of everything for them and doesn't see them 50% of their waking time then he should be thankful his ex is doing a better job / more than him.

I think we are all wasting our time here. The OP had decided she had and her partner are the hard done ones here. I can imagine she’s planning to pop out a few kids with him soon, which will make his exes position even worse.

I’m exiting the thread at this point but I just want to be very frank and say @forestcookie women like you are a complete plague on fellow women and society at large. (And your partner is even worse of course)

I don’t even have kids but because I’m not a totally crap human being I have empathy for his ex and his kids.

I would never push a man to spend LESS time and money on his kid.

It’s disgusting that this is what you’re advocating for - if you get your way the only victims in this will be his kids who are already getting crumbs. Selfish and stupid behaviour. If he does this to you in a few years just remember what you’ve said here

You said in your OP that he is knackered all of the time. It sounds like he gets more rest than a resident parent would. One night getting home late to cover her out with a friend produces such a crisis? Surely he can eat with the kids that night if he's staying late (which presumably they would enjoy, can't you have any care for their needs?) and be a bit more organised to have work stuff ready the day before for that day?
Might he be presenting you with all of these stories about his tiredness and lack of cash to keep his time and activities with you to what is convenient for him?
I'd stop wasting all of my thinking space and emotion on this man, end your bit part in his drama and work on what you want out of life and how to get there.

I couldn’t read your full post because he isn’t doing half so no I disagree with you…
I think you sound bitter and that he is still doing less than their mother.. what a surprise. It’s irrelevant that she claims UC and it’s irrelevant what she earns. You don’t know what you’re talking about to be honest!! I’d guess you don’t have kids and have no idea of the cost and workload..

OP will find out how it goes when she becomes ‘babymother’ 2

@forestcookie ok so take this now that you are going to keep pushing for change let’s talk about the practical reality of making these changes (for your DP of course)

can you please outline:
-what changed you are demanding/expecting
-how you will get your own way
-what you are expecting of your DP
-what happens if it doesn’t go the way you expect it to
-how you are going to change/influence the ex without it affecting the DC

doesn’t this seem like a lot of work?
are you going to use mind games to get the ex and your DP to change as I am not sure how else you would go about it? If you just tell him straight; what if he doesn’t take your advice?

Excuse my hunch op @forestcookie but are you pregnant?

Are you quite all right?

Empathy towards a girlfriend complaining that her boyfriend does a minimal amount of care for his children?

Catch a grip!

If your DP is unhappy with the set up, then yes you should support him to make changes that benefit everyone.
Obviously we are only getting 1 side but it sounds like DP is being very accommodating to ex's demands. (You don't say if she has a new partner! She maybe being difficult because you are on the scene!)
Eg if he is available in the holidays then he can look after them - if ex wants them in a holiday club, then she pays for it.
Imo, he needs to prioritise his housing situation, so that it is more suitable for having the children staying with him. He should not have to be seeing them so much in his and ex's old home (has he not got some assets from there to invest in a property?)

Did you miss the part that the DC have to share a bed together in his place with none of their things there? That's hard enough for the DC on a weekend, let alone on a school night.

How on earth has cms said that he doesn’t earn enough to pay child maintenance on a £25k salary. The calculator for two children based on two overnights per fortnight is £322 per month on that salary. Yet you’re complaining he is paying less than that every three months.

Her wages have nothing to do with it. She could be a millionaire and the calculation would be the same as it’s based solely on his salary.

You also say it’s unfair that she goes out as a one off because she has two nights per fortnight free. Yet your dp has 12.

He is not doing loads for her he’s doing the bare minimum and you’re complaining he’s even doing that.

No, he changed his job to be more available to his children, but this meant a salary drop! Seemed this was what his ex wanted but now complaining again!

Why would you say something that’s so targeted and clearly meant to hurt? You have no idea of the relationship between the OP and this man. A (former) female friend of my boyfriend (now husband) wrote something along these lines to me while we were dating (he was a single father, whose ex wife went ballistic when she found out he was dating again) and it caused immense pain at the time.

There was no call for you to dismiss her importance to him in this way. None at all.

Your partner is just being a parent. Do you not think all parents are knackered? He has his children left less than 50% of the time and pays less that 50% of the financial costs by the sound of it. I'm not convinced someone on 40000 gets much in benefits and no one gets all childcare costs covered by UC.
You are very unreasonable.