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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't Want To Bring Teens On Holiday

227 replies

Casacalida1 · 02/07/2024 08:25

Two DDs are 14 and 16 and I don't want to bring them. I fly out next week and return home the end of August. DH will fly out in August for three weeks. DH thinks I should leave them at home with him. Their behaviour is awful these days and they gang up on me and their younger brother. I just want to relax and not deal with the arguments. DH told them they would fly out with him which of course didn't go well. I really don't want to bring them but I know I will feel guilty leaving them at home and they will probably hate me even more than they do now.

Advice please.

OP posts:
LarkspurLane · 02/07/2024 13:36

Jamieie · 02/07/2024 13:31

Parent them before it gets to a point of fucking off away for a month, not parent them instead of going on holiday.

Show quote history

How do you suggest the OP does this?

PosingPosture20 · 02/07/2024 13:52

deary me, have you never said a word in anger towards your darlings? If you spend your life appeasing them and avoiding any harshness, they aren't going to be very resilient

My post was in response to someone who said she'd threatened to pack up and leave home. Yes, I've definitely had firm conversations with my teenage 'darlings'. However, a parent threatening dc with the possibility of them moving out - well I don't consider that to be necessary to build resilience.

PosingPosture20 · 02/07/2024 13:56

Funny how, if the OP was talking about her DH going away for a few weeks for work and leaving her with a job and 3dc, no one would be talking about him 'checking out' of family life, it would be more focused on why she couldn't cope

Give over!

If the situation was flipped and op posted that the dh was about to leave for a 4 week holiday, taking youngest 'easy' child but refusing to take the two teenagers because he struggled with their poor behaviour - he would be absolutely ripped apart on mn. He'd be called useless, inept, unsupportive and selfish and she'd probably be advised to get her ducks in a row then ltb.

LarkspurLane · 02/07/2024 14:20

PosingPosture20 · 02/07/2024 13:56

Funny how, if the OP was talking about her DH going away for a few weeks for work and leaving her with a job and 3dc, no one would be talking about him 'checking out' of family life, it would be more focused on why she couldn't cope

Give over!

If the situation was flipped and op posted that the dh was about to leave for a 4 week holiday, taking youngest 'easy' child but refusing to take the two teenagers because he struggled with their poor behaviour - he would be absolutely ripped apart on mn. He'd be called useless, inept, unsupportive and selfish and she'd probably be advised to get her ducks in a row then ltb.

DH offered to keep the older two at home. For three weeks, not four.
He sounds great and they sound like a good team.

I can't see how this matches your "ripped apart" scenario.

midgetastic · 02/07/2024 16:33

If DH wandered off anywhere for 3 weeks he would be torn to shreds no doubt about it - checking out of family life, Leaving her with the difficult kids, are you sure he doesn't have another women , when are you getting a 3 week break ...

Ihopeithinkiknow · 02/07/2024 17:29

I'm glad nobody has overreacted on here like usual 🤨 "checking out of family life" or "no scenario would make me want to leave my kids for 3 weeks" or "actually do some parenting" 😂 I would do absolutely anything for my 14 year old daughter and the same for my son when he was a teenager because they are the absolute lights of my life but fucking hell lol there have been times where given the opportunity (which I never got lol) I would have fucked off for 2 or 3 weeks, I'm not a robot and I'm also probably a shit mother according to some on here

BlueMum16 · 02/07/2024 17:45

purplecorkheart · 02/07/2024 13:28

I would personally back your DH with this one. As he is the one who is saying that he has decided he needs to sit down with them and make it very clear what actions behaviours resulted in this consequence. They need to learn that actions have consequences.

Take the time with your son. It will do him good to be away from them and their bullying.

You need to back DH. If he's already told them they are not going it's unfair to undermine him and give in.

This is just another way that they manipulate you.

Enjoy the time with you DS.

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/07/2024 18:22

I agree with what your DH is proposing. It may have no effect on your DDs' behaviour but you and your DS will have a pleasant holiday together.

CoffeandTiaMaria · 03/07/2024 12:44

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/07/2024 18:22

I agree with what your DH is proposing. It may have no effect on your DDs' behaviour but you and your DS will have a pleasant holiday together.

Me too.
Go for it OP, I hope you have a lovely break.

Captainmycaptains · 03/07/2024 13:32

Mine pissed me off so much recently that I booked a solo trip to see family - buggered off for 6 days and it was bliss! DW held the fort - shed pissed me off too and knew it!- and they were a lot more appreciative when I got back.

MagicFarawayTea · 03/07/2024 18:16

I would go and enjoy some special 1-1 time with your son. You’re not abandoning them. They’re with their dad. Perhaps they will use the time to reflect on how they treat you? 🤨

CalmMintReader · 03/07/2024 18:41

Hummingbird75 · 02/07/2024 09:07

You are away for the whole summer more or less, and your answer to their difficult behaviour is to not see them at all? I think this is the moment when you are supposed to start parenting them.

Its obviously much too long not to see them, and could make their behaviour even worse in the long term. It will feel like you are abandoning them. My dc are the same age, and I feel they need more support and parenting than ever. This is not about you, op, this is about them. It is very hard being a teenager in todays' world. You seem interested only in yourself and your own needs.

You need to read it again. They’d still get three weeks away and they’d be with their dad before that. I have three teens and they are by and large very easy but I need a break sometimes, just head space, so if they are driving her crazy and causing stress to her and her youngest then she should go. They’ll be safely at home with their dad and will still get a three week holiday! But maybe they will realise how their behaviour affects others. I have no idea if I would do the same in that situation, I can’t imagine being away that long without them but if I was continually stressed by them maybe I would.

Blowhead · 03/07/2024 19:14

I go away annually for a week without my DH & teenage DC and I love it. Don’t feel guilty at all. I could manage longer! Mine argue a lot too, it’s draining.

OP, I would go without your DDs. Tell them you need to rest. You’ve got your DH’s support so do it!

motherofluvlies · 03/07/2024 21:15

Is this really the message you want to teach them ..when the going gets tough …leave ? Unconditional love is not easy ..

AnnieSnap · 03/07/2024 22:17

Pigeonqueen · 02/07/2024 08:27

Well that’s a very long time for them to be at home on their own. If it was just a week then fair enough although it sounds like there’s a lot of backstory here….? What’s started it all?

Edited

They won’t be alone. They will be with their father until he joins the OP in August when he joins her. The kids will travel with him.

@Casacalida1 No need to feel guilty. Leave them with their father. Recharge your batteries and deal with them when you and you DH can be there together in August. Teenagers can be awful. It’s good for your girls to learn something about consequences 💐

SpiritOfEcstasy · 04/07/2024 00:51

I am a single parent to DDs the same age as yours. I know all teens are different but this is when they need us the most. I get that you need a break from them but to go away without them, like you said, won’t make things better. This is a great explanation of where they’re at …

BRAINSTORM: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain

Dr. Dan Siegel shares his research findings and dispels the negative myths of adolescence prevalent in the media. He also reveals how crucial brain developme...

https://youtu.be/H1pf1xTMUng?si=c9ckrnUTic0MCWzl

Codlingmoths · 04/07/2024 04:28

Could someone post a charity that helps abandoned children ? Barnardos maybe? There are a large number of people on this thread who seem to feel passionately about it but have oddly focused on children who are staying safely at home with their own parent in residence before flying out to a 3 week holiday with their mum too, I mean is there a better opposite for abandoned child?? So maybe they could do with some help redirecting this emotion and helping a child who actually needed it.

Hopper123 · 04/07/2024 06:46

I don't have teenagers yet but gosh I'd grab that chance for a proper break and rest with two hands and go for it. People on here trying to make put your a bad mother because you want and need a break are typical of those on mn who just love to tear people down on the Internet to make themselves feel better. It will do you good to have a break and will teach them a lesson on treating people you more respectfully. They're still at home being looked after by a parent, they will still have a holiday just later, you are not depriving them and you shouldn't feel guilty for taking time you need to rest and recoup some energy....if they were newborns everyone would be saying 'mums need to look after themselves too so you can best look after your child'. Same goes for teenagers. Enjoy your break OP.

Lolnic · 04/07/2024 10:07

Clearly your kids aren't teenagers then........

willWillSmithsmith · 04/07/2024 12:30

JMSA · 02/07/2024 12:31

I have teens and they're a pain in the tits much of the time. I am ALL FOR women, especially, having a break.
However you surely can't check out of family life for THAT long Confused

But dad will be as the kids can’t be in two places at once. What are your views on that?

willWillSmithsmith · 04/07/2024 12:34

I’ve just remembered when my two were 11 and 13 their dad (my ex) took them for a holiday to the US for two weeks (first time away from me, with his gf). I went to Europe with a friend. 🤦‍♀️My bad.

Vonesk · 05/07/2024 12:53

Young teens Love Fashion, Hair, and looking good. Is there a way to distract them from their path of behaviour issues to a more productive focus where you give them each a house job / responsibility with correlating pay ?????? They could then team up and go shopping together and have more scope to their lives instead of irritating everyone with petty squabbles.

Nettie1964 · 05/07/2024 13:18

Just go,don't feel guilty
It's time they learnt there are consequenses. I was a vile teenager, I feel guilty my younger sister really missed out because my parents were dealing with a hormonal teenager your youngest deserves your time too.

Dweetfidilove · 05/07/2024 13:25

Your husband has offered a reasonable solution. I understand you're conflicted, but it might be just what your children need to appreciate you a bit more.
They'll be safe and looked after by their other parent and you get some time to be / recharge.
They will vet a holiday, just a few weeks less.

Vodkaskirts · 05/07/2024 13:44

I remember my son who was a absolute nightmare at this age
I was dreading going away and concerned about him going off in strop and getting into trouble of some sort.
I had booked a really busy lively resort town
I changed our location to a very small resort area.
I spent ages studying the map looking at much smaller areas.
It had 1 road in and out which led to Motorway. Minimal pubs no clubs. On the beach.
I reasoned with myself he could strop of all he wanted but he wouldn't get very far.
He hired a push bike and was back within 30 mins he had rode the town.
Suffice to say we were forced to get along as there wasn't much to do. It ended up as a good holiday with not many distractions just pool, beach and pool table