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Original poster

Don't Want To Bring Teens On Holiday

227 replies

Casacalida1 · 02/07/2024 08:25

Two DDs are 14 and 16 and I don't want to bring them. I fly out next week and return home the end of August. DH will fly out in August for three weeks. DH thinks I should leave them at home with him. Their behaviour is awful these days and they gang up on me and their younger brother. I just want to relax and not deal with the arguments. DH told them they would fly out with him which of course didn't go well. I really don't want to bring them but I know I will feel guilty leaving them at home and they will probably hate me even more than they do now.

Advice please.

OP posts:
cardibach · 02/07/2024 10:29

Hummingbird75 · 02/07/2024 09:07

You are away for the whole summer more or less, and your answer to their difficult behaviour is to not see them at all? I think this is the moment when you are supposed to start parenting them.

Its obviously much too long not to see them, and could make their behaviour even worse in the long term. It will feel like you are abandoning them. My dc are the same age, and I feel they need more support and parenting than ever. This is not about you, op, this is about them. It is very hard being a teenager in todays' world. You seem interested only in yourself and your own needs.

It not too long for their father not to see them? Either way they spend 3 or 4 weeks with one parent and without the other. I don't see it makes much difference in terms of parenting - except this way they see a consequence of disrespect while still being with a living parent.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/07/2024 10:30

Putting in strong consequences will make them consider their behaviour, it will not alienate them and make matters worse. Sitting around endlessly talking to them about their feelings is not going to make them change its going to make them wish you would shut up or give them the opportunity to say what they think you want to hear so they can get away with misbehaving with little or no consequences.

willWillSmithsmith · 02/07/2024 10:31

Jamieie · 02/07/2024 10:24

And in summary what I meant is parent their kids so they are not little brats that you want to fuck off for a month to get away from. That is a recipe for broken relationships.

Show quote history

I really have to disagree with your pov’s. They are not small children, they’re more than sentient enough to know that bad behaviour can have consequences.

If they did travel out with their mother how do you feel about the fact they won’t be with their dad?

Somepeoplearesnippy · 02/07/2024 10:31

It sounds like an excellent plan.

minipie · 02/07/2024 10:33

Casacalida1 · 02/07/2024 09:25

So DH works shifts so will be home 4 days a week with them. We live 3km from the city centre and have excellent transport routes and things to do. They will both still have sports training, matches and tournaments at least twice a week too. DD16 has a very casual cash in hand job once a week. We also have a "granny flat" and their friends visit and have sleepovers. They won't be left at home with nothing to do or no parental supervision. Their grandparents live around the corner.

So is your DH out working nights/evenings?

This plus their past behaviour plus the granny flat sounds like a recipe for parties 😬

BurbageBrook · 02/07/2024 10:33

Tbh I think it's a really heavyhanded approach for what you admit is just normal teenage squabbling and moodiness. It will probably be quite corrosive to your relationship with your DCs to divide them like this and to take only one away with you for half the trip. It's an OTT response.

Gogogo12345 · 02/07/2024 10:33

Jamieie · 02/07/2024 08:42

I cant think of any scenario where I'd want to fuck off from my kids for a month because of their behavior.....surely the better solution is to parent them and deal with their behavior?

Do you have stroppy teenagers? When my eldest was 15 she was so badly behaved on holiday I refused to take her the next time and she stayed with my mother - who would not put up with any of her crap

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 02/07/2024 10:33

I have survived 3 teen daughters..
Go. Let dh pick up the slack as he has suggested. So they are stuck at home for a month.
Good. It might make them appreciate you. It might not but at least you will have had a break from them.

Jamieie · 02/07/2024 10:34

Gogogo12345 · 02/07/2024 10:33

Do you have stroppy teenagers? When my eldest was 15 she was so badly behaved on holiday I refused to take her the next time and she stayed with my mother - who would not put up with any of her crap

Show quote history

I have teenagers yes.

Runsyd · 02/07/2024 10:34

PontiacFirebird · 02/07/2024 09:42

Mother of fuck. The handwringing over the fact that a 14 and 16 year old won’t be monitored and ferried about by Mum for 3 weeks because Dads need to work…!
Single mums do exist… what do pp think their teens do when they are working?
Yes, video games, or course. Also mooching with friends, going to the gym, into town on the bus, making simple food.
I mean they are not 4 and 6! I’m a right helicoptering mother hen and even I think it’s fine to let teens to their own devices for a few weeks.
Mothers martyring themselves in case their kids get the tiniest bit upset is not the way to build resilience in kids.

Amen. Go off and have a good break without them, OP. You'll all be better off for it. Despite all the posters on here bragging about how angelic their teen daughters are, in my experience they're often a nightmare. It does get better as they get older, and they'll often admit they were appalling and apologise once they've gained some emotional maturity.

AxolotlEars · 02/07/2024 10:34

If all your efforts have fallen on deaf ears then this may be the making of them.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 02/07/2024 10:35

I would lock up the granny flat though.

Runsyd · 02/07/2024 10:37

God, the people on here pretending that kids will grow up emotionally scarred because their mother buggered off alone for a couple of weeks.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/07/2024 10:37

SassiestPants · 02/07/2024 09:30

Oh god go - leave them with Dad. Perhaps a bit of distance will help them stop taking you for granted. Having boundaries and consequences to their behaviour is good parenting imo.

Happy holidays OP.

This. But I would be plain that their behaviour has meant that they will join you only when both you and their father are around.

Take the opportunity to recharge and give your DH a proper break when he arrives.

willWillSmithsmith · 02/07/2024 10:38

It’s incredible isn’t it that mum being away from them for a month is seen as bad but dad not being with them for that month isn’t an issue.

ButterCrackers · 02/07/2024 10:38

Leave them at home with your dh. They are able to look after themselves when their dad is at work. Plan some great time to relax and enjoy this time for you. Plan more time out after the holidays. It will help you manage dealing with it all.

Gogogo12345 · 02/07/2024 10:40

midgetastic · 02/07/2024 09:34

If your husband or boyfriend went off for 3 weeks and didn't want you along you would assume you are heading for divorce

You are effectively telling your teens you want to be rid of them - it won't end well

Why would you assume that you are headed for divorce? I've just come back from a month trip with my DS. My partner has no issues. He is traveling for 3 months later in the year. No issue for me either

LarkspurLane · 02/07/2024 10:41

Hummingbird75 · 02/07/2024 09:07

You are away for the whole summer more or less, and your answer to their difficult behaviour is to not see them at all? I think this is the moment when you are supposed to start parenting them.

Its obviously much too long not to see them, and could make their behaviour even worse in the long term. It will feel like you are abandoning them. My dc are the same age, and I feel they need more support and parenting than ever. This is not about you, op, this is about them. It is very hard being a teenager in todays' world. You seem interested only in yourself and your own needs.

Are you saying that the OP shouldn't go at all and should stay home with them?

RivalsJillyC · 02/07/2024 10:41

PollyPeachum · 02/07/2024 08:42

Your DH made the offer. Accept with thanks.

This.

PashaMinaMio · 02/07/2024 10:42

WavingTree · 02/07/2024 08:31

I think your DH is right, let them stay with him and you get a bit of peace. Hopefully, they might realise the consequences of their behaviour by missing out on part of the holiday.

I agree. Go Mother! Don’t sacrifice yourself in the altar of motherhood.

Gogogo12345 · 02/07/2024 10:44

midgetastic · 02/07/2024 09:20

It's normal for parents to split time off

For parents to arrange trips of grandparents

For parents to be able to ferry a child to a holiday club

So that the childen don't get weeks on end with nothing to do

Because that won't make things better - it's encouraging them to rebel from boredom

Holiday clubs for teenagers? Where? Most childcare things stop by the age of 12

Captainmycaptains · 02/07/2024 10:45

Go! Sounds like you could all do with a break from each other for a bit. Its only a few weeks, and they will appreciate a bit of freedom hopefully

Maray1967 · 02/07/2024 10:46

Hummingbird75 · 02/07/2024 09:31

I have teens of this age, and it would absolutely make them worse. They would blame me for leaving them alone all summer. Why not start to really find out why they are grumpy and upset? Are they doing too much training? Are they exhausted and worried about exams?

I don't get this horrible attitude towards teens. It does nothing to help anyone.

And pandering to awful behaviour sets them up really badly for life. I’m sure OP would know if there were genuine reasons and they were anxious. They’re picking on their brother and being very unpleasant. Many teens are capable of that - mine learned quickly that there are consequences if they treat DH and I badly. As a result we have a great time on holiday.

Kelly51 · 02/07/2024 10:46

Go!! why should you be the sole parent for a month? they're perfectly fine with their father.
Also, you went back to work solely to pay for DDs sport? think they need a dose of how to be grateful to your parents, they sound very spoiled and entitled.

Confrontayshunme · 02/07/2024 10:50

Rachie1973 · 02/07/2024 08:52

At the moment I’d leave my 3 year old with a pack of kindly wolves for a break!

do what you need to do for your own MH. Boundaries won’t break them. I’d argue you ARE parenting them by teaching actions have consequences.

We go on holiday with my in-laws (8 adults) every summer for a week, and when my eldest 2.5 my MIL offered for us to stay home and the adults take her. It actually made me a better parent because I got a week's worth of recharge and perspective, and I will never forget how compassionate that offer was.

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