Don't Want To Bring Teens On Holiday

[Casacalida1]

Two DDs are 14 and 16 and I don't want to bring them. I fly out next week and return home the end of August. DH will fly out in August for three weeks. DH thinks I should leave them at home with him. Their behaviour is awful these days and they gang up on me and their younger brother. I just want to relax and not deal with the arguments. DH told them they would fly out with him which of course didn't go well. I really don't want to bring them but I know I will feel guilty leaving them at home and they will probably hate me even more than they do now.

Advice please.

Mum being away from DC for a few weeks = parenting failure, abandonment, guilt etc

Dad being away from DC for a few weeks = not even an eyebrow raised

😳😳😳

Go, it'll give your dds time without their brother, they still have sports commitments and they will find a routine and probably have a good time at home with your dh. Gives everyone time to relax before all being together in August. Take the opportunity whilst you have it.

You go.
Enjoy your time with the little one, and give your teens time to realise what you do each day.
Tell them it has been decided, that they can enjoy the time without you nagging.
Bet hubby suddenly has to discipline them both about doing nothing...
I used to finish work at midday, when mine were still in bed.....so we all won.

Three days and 1 night. They definately won't have parties. We have a ring doorbell and cameras on the house. I'm not being ignorant either. Any time their friends stay their parents ring me to make sure it's OK and vice versa. We live on a very quiet road with lovely neighbours who would notice if a gang of teenagers were having a party. My DH is also out on the road with work so can easily drop in to check on things. His job is only a 7 minute drive from our home. Their past behaviour has not included partying, smoking, drugs, alcohol. They are very fitness orientated. Their behaviour is bad attitude at times.

What I haven't heard is how the teens reacted to this news - are they bothered about staying at home, do they want to change behaviour in order to go? And what does the younger child want? We're assuming they would be happier without the teens, but would they?

When did the idea that being grumpy, entitled, selfish and bullying are normal teenage behaviours take hold? It wasn't when I was a teenager, it isn't now for my neices and nephews and their friends. And I know most teenagers aren't like that now. So why is it shrugged off as something the parents have to accept? Teen hormones haven't only started to arrive in the last 10/20 years.
(And don't read that wrong - I'm not blaming the parents for the behaviour.)

OP for me an important aspect of this is that your DH is taking the blame for them not going on himself. He's showing them that you and he are a team and that the behaviour is unacceptable to you both. If you caved and took them you'd be undoing that. They have a parent at home and the way you've described it a very good life with lots of privileges. Go and enjoy the time stress free. It will do wonders for your own state of mind.

Nothing wrong with divide and conquer. The other parent is more than qualified to parent them at home while op gives focused attention to youngest!

I have teens and they're a pain in the tits much of the time. I am ALL FOR women, especially, having a break.
However you surely can't check out of family life for THAT long

Have to say though, I would kill for a supportive partner like yours. I'm on my own with my 3.

Nobody is checking out of family life. She’s taking one of the children, her husband is looking after the other two. Would you have described the husband staying home while she took all of them as him ‘checking out of family life’?

They want to go. We own a property so it's like a home from home for them and they have friends they meet up with. My DS doesn't mind either way. Some days he says he will miss them and then other days he says he doesn't care if they don't go.

We also don't live in the UK so my two DDs finished the school term at the end of May. They have seen their friends all of June and for two weeks in July. They are both actually volunteering at summer camp this week and next week before we are due to go away so they have had time with their friends here and are out and about.

It’s four weeks. Not four years!

I'm not checking out of family life. I will have my son and it's 3 weeks.

Nobody is checking out of family life. She’s taking one of the children, her husband is looking after the other two. Would you have described the husband staying home while she took all of them as him ‘checking out of family life’?

Of course I'd describe it the same way, as that is what it is, regardless of sex.
I still maintain the whole thing is a bit bonkers, but then Mumsnet can be a parallel universe sometimes.

Families don’t have to be joined at the hip to function as families. The OP and her husband are dividing up care to try to help everyone have a better time long term. Not checking out. Making difficult decisions to parent to the best of their ability.

We are dreading what we hope is our last summer holiday with teen until she's an adult and behaves a teeny bit like one.

Funny how, if the OP was talking about her DH going away for a few weeks for work and leaving her with a job and 3dc, no one would be talking about him 'checking out' of family life, it would be more focused on why she couldn't cope 🙄

I think you should go OP. It's a hard but very valuable lesson for teens - you are a person, not a robot. Their actions impact you and there are consequences for their attitude.

They're still going to get a bigger and better holiday than a lot of kids their age by coming out with your DH.

Gosh, this is such a difficult one. On one hand, it sounds like they deserve to miss out, and you certainly deserve the stress-free break with your youngest. On the other hand, I can see this being a bone of contention a long way down the line, with the the teens using it as ‘evidence’ you love the youngest more (being teens, they will find it difficult to recognise that their parents might not want to be around them when they are grumpy and ungrateful). This tricky stage is often when they’re feeling most vulnerable and testing your love for them.

I think on balance, I would take them, but maybe any nice experiences on holiday can only be provided on the basis they are polite and pleasant (and that way, you can make it fair by applying this rule to the youngest too, who is going to find this an easy win). I know this sounds like a bit of a cop-out, but I really think leaving them behind for a large part of the holiday could stay with them forever, and there is a real risk it will drive them further away from you.

Take your husband up on his offer and enjoy this time with you and your little one.
I'll bet he will be thrilled to have you all to himself for once.

Maybe they'll have more respect for you once they see that you and your DH have had enough of their behaviour towards you.

I would personally back your DH with this one. As he is the one who is saying that he has decided he needs to sit down with them and make it very clear what actions behaviours resulted in this consequence. They need to learn that actions have consequences.

Take the time with your son. It will do him good to be away from them and their bullying.

But the teenagers are being parented - hence the consequences.
they will be with their dad instead of their mother, does he not class as a parent?

Parent them before it gets to a point of fucking off away for a month, not parent them instead of going on holiday.

Did they know this was going to be the consequence for their behaviour?
I think it seems unfair to me if not. There seems very little discussion with the affected dc in the OP's posts.

A mum going for a 3 week holiday is not fucking off on them.

A Mum going away for a month kind of is checking out of family life for a month.