Don't Want To Bring Teens On Holiday

[Casacalida1]

Two DDs are 14 and 16 and I don't want to bring them. I fly out next week and return home the end of August. DH will fly out in August for three weeks. DH thinks I should leave them at home with him. Their behaviour is awful these days and they gang up on me and their younger brother. I just want to relax and not deal with the arguments. DH told them they would fly out with him which of course didn't go well. I really don't want to bring them but I know I will feel guilty leaving them at home and they will probably hate me even more than they do now.

Advice please.

She isn’t running away for god’s sake. OP and DH as the adults and parents have made a joint decision that the two teens will stay with their father instead of their usual pattern of going with their mother. Are they all running away from DH when they go without him?

Spending time apart from your children is perfectly normal and healthy, we are talking weeks not months and she can still speak to them. They will then be together 24/7 for three weeks afterwards.

Also, to the PP who said they would be headed for divorce if they spent 3 weeks away without their partner, there are plenty of relationships where partners travel without each other. My sister and her DH do regularly and they also travel together regularly and have an incredibly close loving marriage, they also just can’t always take time off together and value doing different things.

They will probably get on better without you <the referee> there and could well enjoy a bit more independence.

Your younger one might get bored on his own though.

Just wanted to point out that if the op takes them the teens won’t see their dad for a month.
No one is claiming that he is abandoning them so why is it different for mum? They aren’t being left without a parent, dad is fully onboard and it might do everyone good to just have a break from the tensions

Exactly.

The teens are old enough to learn to be self sufficient for a few weeks.

If they go with you, they spend 6 weeks with you but only three with dad.

If they stay home, they spend 6 weeks with dad but only three with you.

If they come with you, they have a six week holiday, regardless of their behaviour and at that age they tend to like familiarity, their friends, their own stuff. Whereas a younger child may be happy anywhere as long as they have their favourite cuddly and a bag of Lego.

If they stay home, they are only going to have, at most a 3 week holiday - and possibly none at all if the mess Dad around.

Leave them with you DH. You are demonstrating that behaviour matters, holidays aren't a given and women/mothers are not chained to their home, they are allowed a life of their own.

Tricky one. You can't change your teens' attitude overnight, but by not taking them you're in danger of exacerbating the situation and adding more tension into your relationship with them. It's a shame your youngest doesn't have a better relationship with the teens. Do you see that improving? Will time spent on your own with him help with the relationship amongst the siblings?

I would be rethinking spending thousands on a trip for a stroppy disrespectful teen too.

In my experience from friends, stroppy spoiled disrespectful teens do NOT morph into fabulous 20's.....it tends to be more like self absorbed selfish young adults who think their parents and the world owes them an easy ride.

I wouldn't be tolerating it.
Go on the holiday.

You're entitled to a break. They are with their dad.
It's fine.
It does not hurt teens to tell them when they are being arses and that there are consequences in life when you are an arsehole to people, and that you don't get to treat someone like shit just because they are your parent.

It's not that the teens can't cope
It's not that they won't be ok with their dad
It's not that they don't need to know there are consequences for actions

It's that the consequences proposed - losing half their normal proper holiday - are completely over the top and therefore will make a bad relationship and situation worse

Brilliant move by husband. Support him and expect the girls to arrive with him. You deserve a break.

Are you sure they even want to come? At that age mine would definitely have preferred to stay at home with their friends and only go away for a shorter time.

You said in summary “to fuck off and not parent their behaviour” the girls’ mother AND father are parenting their behaviour in teaching them consequences of actions. You don’t get to treat your mum/brother/family like shit and swan off for a nice family holiday abroad. See how the parenting is done there??

If you have not had difficult teens then you have no idea how exhausting, sad and lonely it can make you feel. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you rather than constantly be thinking about how to pacify situations, not walk on eggshells. I would talk to them, let them know that you cannot continue as it is and then go and have a break. They are old enough to understand that if they behave disrespectfully then you do not want to be around them especially on holiday. They are safe and fine with their df. Go and have some space, it might do you all good.

Given your updates, go with your youngest. If you are working, traipsing around sporting events competitions etc. your son will be glad of a little one on one time. Let them miss you and remember to appreciate you. You aren't disappearing, you can Facetime, text perhaps wrote them some old fashioned letter - so lovely getting a letter these days.

This. In spades.

Let them miss you and a chunk of their usual expected holiday.

I'm with your DH, let him bring them out.

All sounds like your DH is being very supportive and clearly the routine if they stay at home with him has been thought out and they will have parenting - this sort of arrangement goes on all the time when one parent has to go away with work so don’t stress it , go and enjoy the 3 week break and one to one time with your youngest. You never know the “shock” of staying at home might be he start of some improvement in the teenage behaviour !

This^ in spades.

And in summary what I meant is parent their kids so they are not little brats that you want to fuck off for a month to get away from. That is a recipe for broken relationships.

Is it a complicated journey to get to your holiday destination? If they do end up behaving themselves, could they fly out as unaccompanied minors?

I'd leave them with their dad and friends (with what you are proposing they won't see their friends all summer, assuming that you are in England).

Christ there are some people here who really need to learn when to cut the umbilical cord. A month away from her teenage children, leaving them in the care of their father, is not fucking child abandonment.

They wouldn't see their dad for a month if they went with her, why is that not a problem? Why is the burden of never being away from your children always firmly on the mother's shoulders?

My daughter is 16 and on her way to Norway, alone, for 4 weeks to stay with my MIL. At 14 and 16 teenagers can absolutely manage without mummy and should be developing their independence. One month with just dad is not going to traumatise them or isolate them.

And mum isn't running away or failing to parent. Not going on holiday due to their poor behaviour is parenting. These are the consequences to their actions, that's how it works. Mum isn't "running away" from her duties, what are we in, the 1940's??

They’ll be with their dad. I’m a ‘devoted’ mum but I wholeheartedly agree with OP’s husband that they should stay with him and the three of them fly out together and give the OP a break from their tantrums and rudeness. Her mental well-being matters.

And yet you aren't bothered that if OP takes them they'll spend the same amount of time without their father? Is he not allowed to parent in your world?

Has DH told them it's because of their behaviour that they're being held back? Sorry if I've missed you stating that.

I don't think it's wrong to leave them behind. They'll learn a lesson and you'll have a break from their teenage rebellion. Enjoy your hols.

Being left home from holiday is different to being taken on holiday. You know that. Anyway, each to their own.