Don't Want To Bring Teens On Holiday

[Casacalida1]

Two DDs are 14 and 16 and I don't want to bring them. I fly out next week and return home the end of August. DH will fly out in August for three weeks. DH thinks I should leave them at home with him. Their behaviour is awful these days and they gang up on me and their younger brother. I just want to relax and not deal with the arguments. DH told them they would fly out with him which of course didn't go well. I really don't want to bring them but I know I will feel guilty leaving them at home and they will probably hate me even more than they do now.

Advice please.

Their father is there?

Go and dont look back OP.
Sometimes you have to fill your own cup first.

Three kids is a lot you'll be gone for a few weeks and the space will give you and maybe them?? Some perspective

I meant at home as in, in the country, I don’t think anyone is suggesting they would be grounded, the consequence is missing the time abroad. I just meant that their father being at work doesn’t mean the OP should have to take them away with her as that’s a pretty normal setup.

That is not true. They will only see their mother for three weeks over the whole summer. The rest of the time she will be abroad.

See I always saw challenging teen behaviour as signals they need help and support - the more difficult they find things the more difficult they become

If it's just normal teenage behaviour, leaving them for 3 weeks while you get a holiday will encourage them to identify and challenge every aspect of your behaviour that they feel is poor

You will make things worse

A weekend yes , 3 weeks - taking the piss

Oh god go - leave them with Dad. Perhaps a bit of distance will help them stop taking you for granted. Having boundaries and consequences to their behaviour is good parenting imo.

Happy holidays OP.

I have teens of this age, and it would absolutely make them worse. They would blame me for leaving them alone all summer. Why not start to really find out why they are grumpy and upset? Are they doing too much training? Are they exhausted and worried about exams?

I don't get this horrible attitude towards teens. It does nothing to help anyone.

"normal" as not uncommon
not as completely acceptable!

If you allow your own kids to behave like that, it's up to you, but it would be lazy and bad parenting to allow them to get away with it.

"normal" teen behaviour is to sleep all day and be up all night chatting with friends or watching screen, it doesn't mean any decent parent will not kick them out of bed in the morning to send them to school and expect good results.

They are still going to be coming out to join you for 3 weeks, that’s still a long holiday. I would totally go without them. I also have teen daughters, they will attempt to make you feel bad no doubt about it. I am sure you’ll be able to live with it laying on your sun lounger , book in hand.
but seriously it can be really hard to prioritise what you need when going through tough parenting stages, it’s all about the kids even if the stress is going to make you ill which serves no one. if you really need this time then take it, you’ll be in a better place when everyone arrives later in the summer and surely that will be to everyone’s benefit.
your teens will be out with their friends in the meantime, sleeping in and taking it easy so don’t feel so bad.

This sounds really nice for them- will they definitely be upset to miss out on a chunk of the holiday?! Even if not you should still go without them and get a break. But it doesn't sound like a punishment really

Also, imo, it isn't 'normal' for teens to be rude and entitled and bully their parents. I challenged DS1on the few occasions he treated me like that. I never left such behaviour unchallenged. People comment on what polite kind DC I have and how close we all are. Don't normalise women being treated like shit by their offspring. It is wrong and should be dealt with immediately every time. Teaching teens empathy and respect for others is essential if we don't want a generation of entitled bratlets having meltdowns that the world beyond home doesn't revolve around them.

It sounds like they have busy lives and may prefer to be away from home for less time over the summer.
A break from each other can't do any harm and will be lovely for your younger DC.

You know all these threads complaining about horribly entitled attitude from SOME men/ fathers.... you do realise that's where it all comes from, don't you?

If your husband or boyfriend went off for 3 weeks and didn't want you along you would assume you are heading for divorce

You are effectively telling your teens you want to be rid of them - it won't end well

If they're teens then they're old enough to fly without you or DH.

While I agree they need consequences and you should go without them, I also agree with everyone who is saying that a month is a long time and that they're reaching an age when they may not want to go much longer.

I suggest telling them that if their behaviour improves drastically, you will consider having them fly out to join you after two weeks. That gives them some incentive to improve.

It will do them a power of good to see that you and DH are a team on this and have each others' backs. It sounds like an ideal learning experience. Absence makes even the crazy-selfish hormonal teenage heart grow fonder!

Go, go, and have a great time! 🎉

Go for it - they will be perfectly OK at home and you and your son can have a real break!

Choosing to leave them with their dad is parenting them. They don’t get to have as long a holiday because of how they acted.

Sounds to me like they have a pretty comfortable set up. I bet when you are around, you are ferrying them all over the place and they have no gratitude for that. I suspect a couple of weeks of having to be a bit more self sufficient may be exactly what they need to realise how cushty their normal lives are.

DH will be parenting them.

Dh will be parenting them

And dm is giving up and walking away

If the going is difficult one parent running away really won't help

No, she is having a 3 week break. Women are allowed to have breaks from their children.

I think this is a really sad situation and I hope you can repair your relationship with your daughters before it is too late. A few weeks apart may not be a bad idea, but I urge you to investigate some family counselling in the near future.

When she was in her mid-teens, my youngest daughter was a horrible person to live with. Despite having a very comfortable life, she was the most unhappy person and it was apparently, all my fault! I was often in despair at her nasty behaviour and I wondered at times why she hated me so much. She ended up seeing a counsellor, who helped her immensely. I also took a couple of "parenting teens" workshops which gave me some useful strategies that I would never have thought of myself, to help us all deal with her challenging behaviour.

Fast forward ten years and she has grown up into a lovely woman. She still struggles with her mental health at times, but now the first person she calls is me and we have a lovely relationship.

Mother of fuck. The handwringing over the fact that a 14 and 16 year old won’t be monitored and ferried about by Mum for 3 weeks because Dads need to work…!
Single mums do exist… what do pp think their teens do when they are working?
Yes, video games, or course. Also mooching with friends, going to the gym, into town on the bus, making simple food.
I mean they are not 4 and 6! I’m a right helicoptering mother hen and even I think it’s fine to let teens to their own devices for a few weeks.
Mothers martyring themselves in case their kids get the tiniest bit upset is not the way to build resilience in kids.

How will this make them feel about their brother-that he gats the full holiday & they don't?

Is the oldest contributing at all to the sporting holiday?

I don't think that you are wrong to go without them.

You deserve some time knowing that they won't be bullying you!

I agree whole heartedly with this. The relationship at this point can break down altogether.