Am I being precious?

[Bananananasaretasty]

Mil takes DD aged 1 once week for childcare. On this day she usually takes DD to meet her former work colleague who also has a daughter aged 3.

I have met this person a few times, and they aren’t the kind of person i would usually spend time with and have different ideas about parenting. For example she has her DD wearing makeup, nail polish etc, I would feel funny about my DD doing this at 13 never mind 3. She has her DD in a high back booster whereas I want to rear face our DD for as long as possible. She sleep trained her daughter whereas we co sleep. We are still Breastfeeding and plan to for the foreseeable, whereas she FF her daughter. She had her daughter going to dance classes from when she could walk, we prefer to do other things as a family at the weekend.

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with this, she has chosen how she wants to bring up her daughter and us ours. But the problem is MiL is constantly comparing us, and this increases every time she sees this friend. It’s like she trusts her friends parenting more than ours. Last week it was ‘Mary was saying there’s a space in the toddler dance class Amy used to go to, you should get DD down for that.’ (Not real names). A few months ago it was ‘Mary put Amy to her mums to weekend when she was DDs age which helped her sleep through the night.’

Feel like I am constantly having to reinforce boundaries. I can’t dictate to MiL what she does with DD when she has her once a week, but I wish i could tell her to stop seeing this woman as I feel like it’s open season on my parenting. DH agrees with me on the parenting decisions, but he also feels like we can’t tell his mum what to do. And we can’t afford the childminder that extra day.

YABU - suck it up, people will always have opinions on your parenting

YANBU - tell MiL that I don’t want hear her friends opinions of my decisions.

Well, if you can't afford the extra day childcare, you don't have a lot of choice I don't think. It doesn't sound like your MiL is doing anything untoward as such, and you do sound very judgemental about her friends parenting decisions.

Your DH is right with this one though, if you need her to look after your daughter, you're going to have to suck it up, nod, smile and ignore the bits that irritate you.

Just nod and smile. It doesn't sound malicious mentioning dance lessons etc.

Well, you could just say what you clearly think eg 'Look, MIL, Mary is a disgusting chav, tarting up her formula-fed 3 year old like JonBenet Ramsay and sending her to dance classes when she could barely hold up her head unaided -- please keep away from her in case it's contagious'?

I think your issue is with your MIL, not this poor woman, who probably doesn't even know MIL is doing this. It's really odd that you want to use a sledgehammer to crack a nut here and suggests that you really do have an issue with your dd being exposed to this woman and her child, despite your protestations.

Tell DH to have a word with his mum that he really appreciates her taking care of dd but that the comments on his parenting are really starting to upset him.

Tell DH to leave you out of it.

This kind of thing is going to happen for years, look on it as a resilience test and learn to ignore rather than being ultra sensitive

I can see that it's annoying, but it really doesn't matter what your MIL says, does it? You're not going to follow her advice so it doesn't really matter. Just keep saying, "No, we're not interested in that" and let it go. If you want free childcare this is apparently the price you have to pay.

I think you’re overthinking it all tbh. I really don’t see anything malicious in mentioning a dance class or an overnight stay?

If I’m honest you sound a little judgmental of the other mother. She’s not doing anything wild with her 3 year old daughter? Dance classes and abit of make up/nail polish aren’t unreasonable either. Why would her car seat or feeding choices impact on if you’d want your 1 year old child visiting?

Just spat my drink out 🤣🤣🤣

If your DH agrees with you on the parenting decisions does he actually voice this to your MiL? Does he make it clear to here that you are both on the same hymn sheet as regards to how you are bringing up your DD.?
He should be having a conversation with her along the lines of being grateful for the help she gives but really you and he are happy with the way you are parenting and don't want to copy others parenting styles.

I do think you're being quite precious, to be honest. The only person who seems to be judging other people's parenting and making comparisons is you, not your MIL.

What do you actually think is going to happen if your 1-year-old sometimes sees an adult who didn't breastfeed their child or chooses a different type of car seat to you, honestly? None of these things are catching.

Just smile and nod. Your MIL is doing you a huge favour, without her you will be stuck. It doesn’t sound like she is actually criticising you(unless there is more of a back story), more that she is trying to be helpful if your dc isn’t sleeping through yet and giving you ideas.

You are being unreasonable with how massively judgemental you clearly are of this other woman which is kind of ironic.

You never know you might get some interesting suggestions from someone so different to you. An alternative perspective is always useful, you don't have to agree with what the other woman does with her DD, I would be amused by the nail polish, etc. Our DD went to tumble tots from a young age I think it really helped her coordination and self confidence and she really enjoyed it, why not dancing lessons?

All you can say when she compares is "Oh well, our way suits us" and then change the subject. You are confident in your choices - she can't make you change! I had to keep shutting down MiL's stupid suggestions and she got the message eventually.

You're using her for free childcare. You continue reminding her of your boundaries, ignore her and et on with it.

She sleep trained her daughter whereas we co sleep. We are still Breastfeeding and plan to for the foreseeable, whereas she FF her daughter. She had her daughter going to dance classes from when she could walk, we prefer to do other things as a family at the weekend.

She ‘isn’t the kind of person you’d choose to spend time with’ because she formula fed?

😬

Strap in…

You sound really judgemental about the other womans parenting decisions. She's hardly going to be going out in a full face of make up and nail polish everyday is she? It's probably just a bit when she's playing dress up or mummys putting some on and she wants some too.

The dance classes are just a bit of fun for her daughter or like a PP said - it can really help with coordination. I'm not even going to start on how dare the poor woman formula feed compared to your breast feeding.

I get why it might be annoying but you can't afford childcare so you're probably just going to have to suck it up and ignore.

Well if you need the childcare and can’t afford to pay for it so unfortunately you have to suck it up. Just keep shutting down the conversation: that’s nice Amy likes dancing will keep it in mind if DD asks when she’s older, that’s nice Amy has a booster seat now etc. etc. Smile and nod, then pivot the conversation elsewhere by asking what DD ate for lunch or something. And stop being so judgmental about the kid wearing nail polish. I get that MIL banging on with the comparisons is annoying but unless she’s nagging you to let her do a full toddlers and tiaras makeover on DD then it has nothing to do with you.

My daughter had a terrible time breastfeeding so we moved onto bottles after a few arduous months. By comparison her younger brother took to it like a duck to water and went on for nearly 2 years

If we were friends with your family, would my eldest have to wait outside the door while the 2 breastfeds played together?

You sound so snobby and judgemental.

This is why there is no such thing as free childcare. This is the price you are paying.

Just leave it. Bigger battles in life.

Didn’t explain the BF comment: when I explained to MiL that an overnight visit wouldn’t work for us because DD is still breastfeeding, her response was well Mary didn’t do that and didn’t have a problem with Amy’s sleeping past 1.

I doubt this woman is slagging off my parenting, it’s just the fact that MiL keeps comparing our very different DDs that is grinding.

but yes I think most people agree that we will just have to smile and nod.

And this.

Good luck stopping your 13 year old DD wearing make up and nail polish!

Agree. DS’s nursery has all the kids doing ballet. They’re learning to follow instructions, gross motor skills, confidence etc. I think it’s great.

I don't think you're being precious, I think you're being a judgemental cow. Do you think formula feeding, booster seats and toddler dance classes are contagious or something?