Am I being precious?

[Bananananasaretasty]

Mil takes DD aged 1 once week for childcare. On this day she usually takes DD to meet her former work colleague who also has a daughter aged 3.

I have met this person a few times, and they aren’t the kind of person i would usually spend time with and have different ideas about parenting. For example she has her DD wearing makeup, nail polish etc, I would feel funny about my DD doing this at 13 never mind 3. She has her DD in a high back booster whereas I want to rear face our DD for as long as possible. She sleep trained her daughter whereas we co sleep. We are still Breastfeeding and plan to for the foreseeable, whereas she FF her daughter. She had her daughter going to dance classes from when she could walk, we prefer to do other things as a family at the weekend.

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with this, she has chosen how she wants to bring up her daughter and us ours. But the problem is MiL is constantly comparing us, and this increases every time she sees this friend. It’s like she trusts her friends parenting more than ours. Last week it was ‘Mary was saying there’s a space in the toddler dance class Amy used to go to, you should get DD down for that.’ (Not real names). A few months ago it was ‘Mary put Amy to her mums to weekend when she was DDs age which helped her sleep through the night.’

Feel like I am constantly having to reinforce boundaries. I can’t dictate to MiL what she does with DD when she has her once a week, but I wish i could tell her to stop seeing this woman as I feel like it’s open season on my parenting. DH agrees with me on the parenting decisions, but he also feels like we can’t tell his mum what to do. And we can’t afford the childminder that extra day.

YABU - suck it up, people will always have opinions on your parenting

YANBU - tell MiL that I don’t want hear her friends opinions of my decisions.

We’re co-sleeping now and it’s working for us….
only because it has to, your baby won’t sleep through. It’s not a lifestyle choice.

indeed, if you let them start doing it at 3

🤣🤣🤣

You don't sound 'precious' you sound awfully judgemental and insufferable.

I'm the least girly person on the planet, never do nails/hair/make up etc... no one we know is 'girly' but my 2 year old loves her nails painted. No idea where shes got it from (the only slight thing I can think of is 1 episode of Bluey) but why on earth would I deny her that?

If you can't play and experiment as a child when the hell can you. Good parents allow their children to self express rather than control them based off their own bitter and negative judgements.

Good parents allow their children to self express rather than control them based off their own bitter and negative judgements.

😂😂classic MN.

MIL used to do this till she saw how well DD was tuning out compares to to kids of the parents she compared us unfavourably to!

Regarding the make-up and nail polish and high-backed booster at aged 3 if your MIL suggests she will do this with your DD then be firm. Regarding the other differences then if they happen on MILs day and you need the childcare you might just have to let it go for the sake of harmony and free childcare.

Yep, going through it now!

'Gentle training'... every time I hear that I just think of this scene lol

@Bananananasaretasty is this your pfb? It sounds like she is.

On the sleep side of things there are 3 things that made both my DC sleep through better and more soundly:

1. Activity - physical or mental stimulation e.g. dance lessons / gymnastics / swimming
2. Me stopping breastfeeding at night - it just wasn't sustaining them enough once they started eating solids
3. Controlled crying - for about 10 mins. They learned to self sooth

All of these suggestions were put forward to me by other mums (admittedly not MIL), but we've all been there, sleep deprivation is awful and I was willing to try things that initially made me uncomfortable - they worked.

The problem is I did all these things between 10 and 18 months, it's probably a different ball game with a 3 year old

So you ban your children from liking anything you don't?

@LinseedCrackers hahaha, really made me laugh, cheers for that.

I'll get shot by some on here but from experience I think continuing to breastfeed is the reason why your daughter doesn't sleep well. Now that she's one, the nutrition she needs will be found in food and other drinks. I breastfed my daughter until she was 18 months and found she woke so many times in the night and she wouldn't go back to sleep without being fed. She wouldn't have been hungry or thirty; I think she didn't know how to self soothe.

Dancing is a lovely exercise for little children but if your daughter is only one then obviously she's not going to get anything out of it. Though some parents of children at dance class do use make up and nail varnish etc on their children, it isn't the norm, so I wouldn't worry about her suddenly making demands on you!

Don't forget your MIL's friend may well be comparing her child to your daughter, too. It works both ways. Just stop your MIL in her tracks if she is comparing or trying to compete, but otherwise just let her get on with it.

This. God, you sound like a prize OP and a judgemental cow at that. You’ll win no awards for breastfeeding and you’ll definitely win none for co-sleeping either. @Bananananasaretasty

I have met this person a few times, and they aren’t the kind of person i would usually spend time with and have different ideas about parenting. For example she has her DD wearing makeup, nail polish etc, I would feel funny about my DD doing this at 13 never mind 3. She has her DD in a high back booster whereas I want to rear face our DD for as long as possible. She sleep trained her daughter whereas we co sleep. We are still Breastfeeding and plan to for the foreseeable, whereas she FF her daughter. She had her daughter going to dance classes from when she could walk, we prefer to do other things as a family at the weekend.

I'm struggling to believe this is real (I mean I'm sure it is, I'm not troll hunting) it's just you seem to be trying to fill your bingo card of Things To Annoy Mumsnetters About and thereby get a heated thread going?

Do you really, honestly, not want to spend time with someone because of the above list?! How do you have any mum friends at all if you require them to have the same outlook as you on ALL those different things?

They're not even a set. They're mix and matchy. For example I extended-breastfeed but I also take my preschooler to football class and used a forward facing car seat before 12mo [because my dd vomited constantly when rear facing, which is a choking risk]. Do I fit your mould of desirable parent friend?!

To misquote Jane austen "I'm not surprised at you knowing only six accomplished mumfriends. I wonder at you knowing any."

Op, yabvu. Just so U. Getting popcorn for this thread

Bit off topic but can I remind everyone that Jon Benét Ramsey was murdered aged six in her family home.

Is MIL really actually "constantly comparing" you to this other parent though? Judging by those TWO innocent comments she made, I think you are over reacting. I think your MIL was just trying to help, but for some reason you are quite sensitive/defensive about her offering suggestions that worked for other people, likely because you think yours is the only "right" way.

To add, my niece is 4. She was formula fed, she slept all night in her own bed from age 7 months without waking. She was talking in 6 word sentences at 18 months and walking at 10 months. She’s now bi-lingual and also can count to 200 and do her times tables but do you know what?

she didn’t co sleep, she wasn’t breastfed, she wore little nail varnish and she went to gymnastics- I even let her wear a bit of my lipgloss?

In future, I suggest you keep your opinions regarding others parenting to yourself. You say you don’t judge, then you list all your judgements in one.

@Bananananasaretasty apols I thought your DC was 3 not 1 - everything else I put in my post still did really help me with getting them to sleep through.

On the rear facing car seat, I agree - I think I kept one until DC1 got car sick and then facing forward helped him. I tried to keep them rear facing for as long as possible

What on earth is wrong with dance classes??!

It sounds like you are being the judgmental one here! And I assume that comes from your own insecurities regarding parenting. I don’t know any children that are still breastfed at 3 and tbh I would find that a little odd. This child is 2 years older than your child so of course they are going to be doing completely different things. I don’t know any ballet classes that even take children as young as one.

This is comparing apples and oranges. I think you are making issues out of things that aren’t there. Just tell your MIL you will consider joining these activities etc when your DC is the same age. She is doing you a favour by offering you free childcare, if you don’t like it then find a nanny, put your child in nursery or cut your work hours.

Pay for childcare if u don’t like what mil is doing, the joys of using family for childcare.

Nothing. NOTHING annoys mothers more than discovering that someone else's baby sleeps through the night, when theirs doesn't.

Do yourself a favour, OP, and get the Ferber sleep training book. My DD slept through after two nights.

And she was EBF.

Mind you we never co slept as I can't think of anything worse

Sorry but I think you are being U and a bit judgy. You sound very much like a PFB parent for most of this.

By all means she doesn’t have to have a full face of make up but has it occurred to you that some of this might actually be decent advice? The dancing and spending a night away doesn’t sound like terrible advice to me- especially as it doesn’t sound like all of this is working amazingly well for you (IMO co sleeping with older kids only really works if everyone, including you and your DH actually enjoy it). Surely at this age she could have a small glass of warm milk if she wakes? Even if not possible now maybe it’s something to think about in 6 months?

Besides which I cannot imagine how awful this conversation would be “MIL please don’t take DD to meet X and Amy” “ok why not” “erm…. I don’t like her car seat or the fact she sleeps in her own bed!!”. And you may well find that if you ban your MIL from the things she enjoys you may find her less willing to be an unpaid babysitter.

where did I say that?

I just don't seem to be on the same page, ever, as those parents who let them their children "express" themselves. Anyone who ever employs that expression has completely different parenting ideas - or no parenting at all frankly 😂

You are being snotty about this mother. Is she genuinely putting makeup on her kid every day or is it a case of a bit of blusher and lip gloss in dance competitions? Don’t all little girls want their nails painted like mummy? My 3yo always admires my nails. I’d let her wear some kid nail polish if I thought she’d sit still long enough for them to dry. Dancing is teaching your child confidence and discipline and balance from a young age. You can take her to the park or whatever you want to do after the 45 minute lesson.

The feeding seems entirely irrelevant especially as you don’t mention your MIL trying to persuade you to change that. You are just judging her.

Trust me you will not ‘feel funny’ when your 13 yo is wearing a bit of makeup. Most girls are wearing a full face of it by 11.

Is MIL really offering to take your DD overnight as well as taking her one day a week? She sound like a saint and I’d snap her hand off.

If a day a week of extra childcare is genuinely beyond what you can stretch to perhaps you should have considered this before having a child? What if MIL was no longer around to look after her? Would you be able to afford rent and food?