Am I being precious?

[Bananananasaretasty]

Mil takes DD aged 1 once week for childcare. On this day she usually takes DD to meet her former work colleague who also has a daughter aged 3.

I have met this person a few times, and they aren’t the kind of person i would usually spend time with and have different ideas about parenting. For example she has her DD wearing makeup, nail polish etc, I would feel funny about my DD doing this at 13 never mind 3. She has her DD in a high back booster whereas I want to rear face our DD for as long as possible. She sleep trained her daughter whereas we co sleep. We are still Breastfeeding and plan to for the foreseeable, whereas she FF her daughter. She had her daughter going to dance classes from when she could walk, we prefer to do other things as a family at the weekend.

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with this, she has chosen how she wants to bring up her daughter and us ours. But the problem is MiL is constantly comparing us, and this increases every time she sees this friend. It’s like she trusts her friends parenting more than ours. Last week it was ‘Mary was saying there’s a space in the toddler dance class Amy used to go to, you should get DD down for that.’ (Not real names). A few months ago it was ‘Mary put Amy to her mums to weekend when she was DDs age which helped her sleep through the night.’

Feel like I am constantly having to reinforce boundaries. I can’t dictate to MiL what she does with DD when she has her once a week, but I wish i could tell her to stop seeing this woman as I feel like it’s open season on my parenting. DH agrees with me on the parenting decisions, but he also feels like we can’t tell his mum what to do. And we can’t afford the childminder that extra day.

YABU - suck it up, people will always have opinions on your parenting

YANBU - tell MiL that I don’t want hear her friends opinions of my decisions.

It's like that footloose town

‘DD goes to a childminders with 3 different kids who are totally different, the difference is the childminder does compare DD to the other kids and asks why I do things differently at every pick up.’

I don’t think you mean this, OP. Maybe read things through before you post in the haste to self justify?

When my PIL had our DD for one day a week I used to literally go in the house to pick her up, say “everything ok?” Gather her belongings, tell them I needed to get her home for her bath, say goodbye and go. I never chatted to them about their day. I’d had a long day at work and wanted to get home. Plus their parenting was very different from mine so I used to tell myself, it’s only one day, ignorance is bliss.
In your MILs defence she’s probably trying to make positive suggestions. I’d just smile and say that I’ll think about it. You do what you want to do.

You sound very judgemental and that you are a superior parent.
What seems concerning to me is that you will raise your daughter to be judgemental of others!

Omg op you wait till yours is 3.

Lots of 3 year olds love

• play nail varnish
• play makeup (they treat it like face paint)
• ballet/dance classes

These are completely normal fun things for a preschooler to enjoy. I thought i would raise my daughter to not be gender stereotyped about this stuff and she was desperate to do ballet from age 3 and then added in tap at 4.

Masses of 3 - 4 year olds get turned forward facing because
A) this is a common age for car sickness to kick in and its so so so much worse facing backwards
B) the huge ERF seats are a nightmare for your average family of four to comfortably fit behind a passenger of the typical mid sized uk car, especially with a taller child.

It is nothing to do with you that the child was ff.

You sound so snooty!!

OP touched a nerve with A LOT of posters.

It proves the point. No one likes their parenting and amazing taste to be questioned, ever.

All the posters so miffed about the OP comments can understand why it's annoying when it's the MIL making them to the OP? Exact same thing.

People should keep their opinion about parenting to themselves, MIL included. You can't stop her from seeing friends in her own time of course.

As someone who formula fed, sends my 3 year old to ballet class, & has her forward facing in the car I feel very judged right now! 😅

"I do not care how she fed her baby"
Why mention it then? In your opening post?! You'd have hated her being around me as I formula fed AND did dance classes with my children - both boys! Shock!

Didn't read. But if you have to ask, you probably are.

Each to their own, you don't have to be best friends with everyone so if the other mum isn't on your wavelength then so be it.

Just a note, my 3yo DD has painted toe nails. I used to cringe when I saw little girls with nail varnish, but this is the only way she lets me cut them. She has curled toes so it's far too awkward to do in her sleep (plus I have baby to deal with) and i can't/won't physically wrestle her to get it done. It does no harm and makes it fun rather than traumatic.

You come across as very judgemental. I too might not be the sort of person you would spend time with because although I did breastfeed (gold star for me there) my children didn't stay in rear facing seats past the baby car seat stage. While we are being judgey I should tell you I also let them eat sugar and play out in the street.

However, in spite of my piss poor parenting credentials I do feel compelled to point out that this woman is not a threat to your parenting choices. Your mil is allowed to voice opinions and make suggestions. You also have the right to do whatever you like and you should be secure enough in those choices that you don't feel you need to ban your mil from seeing her friend when she's helping you out. Just smile and say "thanks mil I'll bare that in mind".

Your children are going to come into contact with other kids and parents from all walks of life. You will sometimes need to enforce your rules such as "No you cannot stay up till midnight and have chips for tea every night even if Jake's Mum let's him do it" and be comfortable not being popular because of those decisions. You might as well get in some practice now.

My neighbour who had a baby the same age as mine said that his daughter was sleeping 28 hours a day and I was so exhausted at the time I wanted to punch his face in.
It’s tiredness.

I could be really judgmental about the fact that you’ve had a child when you can’t afford childcare

If I were you, everytime the conversation comes up, explain in slow and excruciating detail your reasons behind your choices. She will get bored fast!

Also, if there is something you agree with, like the importance of getting children outdoors then go on about how great that is.

If you feel you can't ask MIL not to spend time with this other woman, then maybe you can suggest an activity that is available on that day for example, a music class or forest school.

Good luck!

I do get the sleep thing, you know you are doing the right thing by co sleeping and letting her feed, but it’s tough, my eldest didn’t sleep til she was 3, my youngest is 18 months and so far is worse….. you wouldn’t change your choices for the world, but want to sometimes ‘moan’ without someone offering the ‘solution.’ Or hint that you are soft, their kids are better etc etc. unfortunately you have to be made of tough stuff and make it water off a ducks back with the comments

bahahaha accurate 🤣🤣

The judginess is hanging out of the OP.

I have enraged a lot of people with this post which wasn’t my intention.

A PP hit the nail on the head, I just wish MiL was a bit more supportive of our decisions rather than questioning them over and over. She was so supportive of and encouraging of breastfeeding when DD was tiny, but ever since we started weaning at 6 months we have been getting snippy comments off her.

DH is a lot better at dealing with her. A few months ago we went to mentioned Amy’s birthday party, mil was there, after she said ‘Amy was wearing such a lovely dress, why didn’t you put DD in a dress?’ DD was crawling at the time and wouldn’t have been able to do so in a dress, but was wearing a girl enough leggings and top. DH said ‘mum remember it’s DD who is your granddaughter not Amy’ she took it well, but I feel like if I said something like that she would take offence and I don’t want another car seat argument situation.

But the problem is MiL is constantly comparing us, and this increases every time she sees this friend. It’s like she trusts her friends parenting more than ours. Last week it was ‘Mary was saying there’s a space in the toddler dance class Amy used to go to, you should get DD down for that.’ (Not real names). A few months ago it was ‘Mary put Amy to her mums to weekend when she was DDs age which helped her sleep through the night

Was going to say YABU, it's only one day of childcare, suck it up and it's good she's taking your DD out..
This would piss me off though!
Treat her like a kid herself when she comes out with that crap.
.Just say "If Mary jumped off a cliff, would you follow?!"
Then inwardly roll your eyes and ignore her

Heh, is this a pitch for an updated Keeping Up Appearances? What a raging snob the OP is.

YANBU to tell your MIL firmly but politely that suggestions about what you should do differently aren't welcome. Though it does sound like you're being pretty sensitive based on some of the examples - most are things you should just say "we're not ready to put her in dance classes/do overnights, thanks" and move on.

But it's very weird that you're making it about the other family. They're not doing anything wrong, and there's no reason that playdates need to stop if they're enjoyable and safe.

You do sound like an insufferable snob- Co-sleeping kills a sex life quicker than Salt on a slug.

This is amazing! 🤣

😂