Am I being precious?

[Bananananasaretasty]

Mil takes DD aged 1 once week for childcare. On this day she usually takes DD to meet her former work colleague who also has a daughter aged 3.

I have met this person a few times, and they aren’t the kind of person i would usually spend time with and have different ideas about parenting. For example she has her DD wearing makeup, nail polish etc, I would feel funny about my DD doing this at 13 never mind 3. She has her DD in a high back booster whereas I want to rear face our DD for as long as possible. She sleep trained her daughter whereas we co sleep. We are still Breastfeeding and plan to for the foreseeable, whereas she FF her daughter. She had her daughter going to dance classes from when she could walk, we prefer to do other things as a family at the weekend.

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with this, she has chosen how she wants to bring up her daughter and us ours. But the problem is MiL is constantly comparing us, and this increases every time she sees this friend. It’s like she trusts her friends parenting more than ours. Last week it was ‘Mary was saying there’s a space in the toddler dance class Amy used to go to, you should get DD down for that.’ (Not real names). A few months ago it was ‘Mary put Amy to her mums to weekend when she was DDs age which helped her sleep through the night.’

Feel like I am constantly having to reinforce boundaries. I can’t dictate to MiL what she does with DD when she has her once a week, but I wish i could tell her to stop seeing this woman as I feel like it’s open season on my parenting. DH agrees with me on the parenting decisions, but he also feels like we can’t tell his mum what to do. And we can’t afford the childminder that extra day.

YABU - suck it up, people will always have opinions on your parenting

YANBU - tell MiL that I don’t want hear her friends opinions of my decisions.

I'm well aware of the circumstances of her death.

Fgs, just nod and smile. Learn the phrases "that's nice" and "oh, interesting, thanks for letting me know". Cultivate a vaguely interested face.

What’s breast/formula feeding got to do with it? Mine are at primary school now and I have no idea how any of their friends were fed as babies. As for my own friends with similar age kids I honestly can’t remember which ones breastfed or for how long. I thought once they’re past the baby stage nobody cares or asks anymore 😅

Yep, you're a massive snob and you are horrified your MiL can't see it, and instead is seeing the good things about this woman's parenting rather than immediately coming home and telling you how right and amazing you are because you exclusively breastfeeding fed/co slept/bought organic fruit to puree etc etc etc
The reality is, she's right, there are some benefits to being a bit chavtastic, I bet her dd loves dance classes and it IS great she can send her daughter for a sleepover at granny's and go out - good for her. It's not for you, so that's fair enough, you just go "that sounds good for her but we are happy with what we do thanks". You're not right, or better, so stop being ao horrified that your MiL can see the benefits to this woman's patenting style and is sharing that with you

Just pay for childcare if you don’t like who mil is taking dd to see. Or accept it takes a village and your dd is with a grandma who loves her and is clearly having a child appropriate day with her.
Positives are it’s nice for your dc to have a slightly older girl to play with.
You sound very judgmental.
Dance classes are great for little ones. Mine’s an adult now with amazing posture but she started with my mil taking her to baby ballet at 2.5 to skip around.

The other kid is 3 and yours is 1. There are miles between the two.
I sat mine on the rear facing up to 18 months as per the guidance. She never was in a extra activity, now she is five a goes to swimming and gimnastic.
I stop breastfeeding when she starter teething 6 months, but she got formula milk overnight until she was nearly two. She just woke up asking for it. Now she sleep like a lion.
About the nails and "girly stuff" is a phase, mine use to love it because she saw it from other members of the family now she just sat and play lego for hours.
I wouldn't compare what you are comparing because the age gap is huge at that age.
Regarding your MIL just smile and nod.

😂😂I think I rather like the other mum.

I think it's best you home school your child when the time comes as you don't want her mixing with children who were formula fed or attend dance classes

Not really related to your post OP, but I used to think CIO was barbaric, and swore I would never do it. My DD used to be rocked to sleep and used to wake up once or twice (maximum) overnight for a bottle then back to bed.. she hit 11 months and she started waking up constantly, she would be up 4 - 5 time a night and have to be rocked back to sleep ever time, sometime taking up to half an hour, sometimes waking up 45 mins after being put down, just to start the cycle again.

I work from home flexibly when DH is on nights but I have to work after DD is in bed and I then go to bed at 1-2am, up at 8am.. I was tired already but the extra wake ups and continued lack of sleep was driving me insane, I was so tired and not being able to meet my deadlines with work I was in the road for a nervous breakdown.

I decided to sleep train, I did my research and I know her personality and I know ferber, or the pick up put down method would just make her confused and angry so I decided to do CIO.

I fed her the first night, lay her down, said my goodnights etc, and left the room, she got up at the bars and cried, but I watched on the monitor downstairs and she cried for 15 minutes, then lay down and went to sleep, she slept through till 7am.. she woke up happier than she had in ages after having a decent nights sleep. I was absolutely gobsmacked, I decided to carry on after that, the worst she cried was day 5, and that was for about 30 minutes (apparently that is the final push and can be dramatic), after that.. nothing, she would lie down, happy to jump in to bed, no faffing around, and she consistently slept through 12 hours for well over a year, during those few days of sleep training she cried less overall per night then she did during the multiple wake ups and put downs etc, so to me it was worth it, it's like the missing piece we both needed.

Everyone is different, and every baby is different, but my opinion of cry it out really changed once I'd done it, to me it is teaching them that it is fine to go to sleep on your own, and falling asleep independently is a really valuable skill that they need to learn, and it is up to us as parents to teach them, just like anything else that they probably would prefer we didn't, like go to school, or eat vegetables or wear clothes! my DD is 3 now and is a confident happy child and it doesn't seem to have made one jot of difference to her personality. I really am a convert to it.

Nothing. NOTHING annoys mothers more than discovering that someone else's baby sleeps through the night, when theirs doesn't.
So true! (Although are reading levels still a thing these days... 😀)

I can top that...

Smug attitude of the parent who put it down to their superior parenting.

Good luck making friends when she goes to school.

YABU, and precious, and a bit deluded to think it's all that important to try to stop your daughter wearing make up at 13.

Characterising the other woman as someone you wouldn't be friends with and then listing their parenting choices makes it sound as if those are the reason you wouldn't be friends with her. You need to have a more open mind and realise there's lots of people in the world, lots of ways of parenting and your approach is no better than anyone else's as long as they're not putting vodka and red bull in the baby's bottle. It's possible to be friends with someone who is different than you, you know.

Hi OP, I understand why this is irritating you but you need to develop a thicker skin and count to ten as often as necessary. I'm not being insensitive to your situation but this won't last forever

Lol re the nail polish. At 3 I can promise you you give in and get some children nail polish and I promise you if you do your 3 year old will loose interest in a few weeks.. re the ff I choose to ff dd and best decision I ever made. Dd also do baby ballet from two to about three. It really helped with balance, upper strength ... footballers do ballet to give them core strength. You sound very judging. You need to accept everyone does things differently and your way is no more right than someone else. I promise you have no idea at school which child walked first, talked first, was ff, bf etc. If you don't want your mil to do childcare arrange something different. Yabu.

Jut have some broken record comments for replies

Oh thanks for letting us know about the (dance classes etc) but we have decided that is not for us.

Oh thats lovely that Mary does that, its not how we want to do things though.

short simple and to the point

keep repeating them

eventually she will stop suggesting things

Make-up on a three-year-old really is unreasonable! In fact it’s horrible. (But entirely up to that child's parents.)

To be fair, extended rear car facing has really taken off in the last three years.

My youngest is six and the number of seats available was nothing like it is now. I struggled to get one in my car as they were so massive and my husband is 6ft 4 so has to push seat back.

They were also mega expensive in comparison.

If I was buying now then yes, rear facing but six years ago I know very few people who did.

Just tell her technology and guidance has moved on.

I suspect she wants a sleepover. You may find she does actually sleep for someone else and without the smell of milk. At one she really does need milk overnight so I can see why she might feel you are putting up barriers.

The thing is OP judging someone so harshly on their parenting when you really are in the early days is daft, you have no idea what the future holds and if your views will adjust because dc have their own ideas and even siblings can vary hugely, I had one who slept through from 6 weeks and another who didn’t sleep through until 3 years. You have to parent the child you have.
Hold your judgement for the people who are neglectful parents, not those who simply make different choices to you,

I found the comment about dance classes odd, they will be age appropriate fun classes with her parent and great for her physical development. Would you be judging if it was swimming lessons?

i get why you’re annoyed but I voted YABU because you chose to use your MIL for childcare. Perhaps she finds it hard alone with a young child so likes meeting this lady and her child for support?

Next time she compares you to this friend, just say “that’s lovely for her but we have a different parenting style and we’re not doing that”.

Personally I’d pay for childcare or re-arrange work hours if it’s getting to you.

Nah ERF have been around for years, maybe 10/12 years ago they were very expensive but by the time my youngest(who is 8) was born they were easily available and not massively expensive. I think ours was less than £100 from Argos(Joie), he rear faced until 4. People might choose not to use them but they have been around in the mainstream for years now.

Yes. You're being precious.

Oh and you're going to feel like a right prat when you've had your next kid and realise what a pretentious arse you've been about your MIL (who's offered free childcare let's be honest)

Maybe stop palming your kid off to various childcare and spend some time with her yourself? And then you could also get her sleeping through the night and at some dance classes. 😂

Honestly you do sound quite judgmental. Try to lighten up and be a bit more open minded. Your MIL is doing you a big favour.