Am I being precious?

[Bananananasaretasty]

Mil takes DD aged 1 once week for childcare. On this day she usually takes DD to meet her former work colleague who also has a daughter aged 3.

I have met this person a few times, and they aren’t the kind of person i would usually spend time with and have different ideas about parenting. For example she has her DD wearing makeup, nail polish etc, I would feel funny about my DD doing this at 13 never mind 3. She has her DD in a high back booster whereas I want to rear face our DD for as long as possible. She sleep trained her daughter whereas we co sleep. We are still Breastfeeding and plan to for the foreseeable, whereas she FF her daughter. She had her daughter going to dance classes from when she could walk, we prefer to do other things as a family at the weekend.

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with this, she has chosen how she wants to bring up her daughter and us ours. But the problem is MiL is constantly comparing us, and this increases every time she sees this friend. It’s like she trusts her friends parenting more than ours. Last week it was ‘Mary was saying there’s a space in the toddler dance class Amy used to go to, you should get DD down for that.’ (Not real names). A few months ago it was ‘Mary put Amy to her mums to weekend when she was DDs age which helped her sleep through the night.’

Feel like I am constantly having to reinforce boundaries. I can’t dictate to MiL what she does with DD when she has her once a week, but I wish i could tell her to stop seeing this woman as I feel like it’s open season on my parenting. DH agrees with me on the parenting decisions, but he also feels like we can’t tell his mum what to do. And we can’t afford the childminder that extra day.

YABU - suck it up, people will always have opinions on your parenting

YANBU - tell MiL that I don’t want hear her friends opinions of my decisions.

You sound terribly judgemental, OP.

And anyway, you get your PFB back at the end of the day.

MIL is doing you a huge favour. I wouldn't look after a grandchild one day a week.

I have a similar issue with my MIL. It's one of those things where you just have to pick your battles. Sometimes if I'm not in the best mood I'll give a fairly abrupt response but on the whole I just say "hhmm", and move on the conversation. It's not worth rocking the boat if she's an otherwise decent person.

A day a week of free childcare is a huge benefit. Your daughter won't come to any harm so yes just suck it up. My mum tended to bang on about what so and so did with their child (implying they were doing a better job than me) and I'd just bite my tongue and say "no thanks" or "that's nice".

Apart from the car seat thing (I agree rear facing for as long as possible is much safer unless good reason not to) I think you're a bit judgy of her choices. Formula isn't poison! And "preferring to do things as a family" is lovely when your child is 1 but when mine got to about 4 they loved doing a couple of things each weekend with children their own age. We struggled to keep them entertained and sufficiently worn out without the godsend of dance/gymnastics/swimming class. There were plenty of other hours in the weekend for family stuff.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You do sound very judgemental to be honest. You wouldn't want to spend time with this mum because she parents differently to you? My son has been in a "dance" and movement class since he was 10 months old. It's just fun when they're that little, not serious at all. I don't really understand what the problem is with that. Surely it's just good exercise for her. I breastfeed and rear face as well but I wouldn't judge those who don't.

It sounds like the other mum was just making conversation and your MIL has just repeated some things she thought might be helpful to you. If you don't want to follow the advice you don't have to, but there's no need to make a big deal out of it.

MILs friend's way of bringing up her child isn't going to permeate to your child like osmosis 🤣🤪

MIL probably approves of her friend's parenting more than your parenting

That approval isn't going to change the way YOU parent is it?

Let it go

And stop being so stuck up!

I did not mean that she is not the type of person i would choose to spend time with because she formula fed!

She isn’t the type of person i would be friends with based on other things. I was just listing the ways we parent differently which MiL has brought up.

I do not care how she fed her baby, or how she chooses to parent. DD goes to a childminders with 3 different kids who are totally different, the difference is the childminder does compare DD to the other kids and asks why I do things differently at every pick up.

You will encounter people who make different parenting decisions to you. That is life.
You can't tell your mother in law who she can see or who her friends are or from seeing them on the day she cares for your child. Even if she stopped caring for your child she would presumably still see her friend and would still make the same comments.

I think you probably feel like it’s grinding because you’ve judged this other mum to not be up to your standards, so when MIL says why not try xyz, your reaction is to get your back up, because you think your way of parenting is better.

Wow. So judgemental.

I think YABU. You can pay for extra childcare but even then, you will encounter this because your MIL is still likely to see her friend and some parents at school will be similar.

Usually these kind of comments only bother us when we are sensitive to them so perhaps that’s something to work ok instead.

I also think it’s very easy to make assumptions about how you would parent a three year old when your child is younger. When you are faced with a strong willed toddler it certainly focuses the mind about which battles are worth fighting. With regards to the dance class it may also be because it gives the mother chance to socialise with other mothers.

Yeah this, you do sound a bit judgemental @LinseedCrackers. I get it, we were all high minded mothers when our first kid was one, but this isn't a hill worth dying on.

Yes this has to be a clear windup, it's so ridiculous

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with this - clearly, you think there is a lot wrong with all of those things, or you wouldn't have posted.

And if you expect to never meet anyone - or your daughter never to mix with - people who parent differently, you are in for a rude awakening.

So yes, you do sound precious and a bit insufferable tbh.

Your baby is 1 and hers is 3. You are in completely different ball games here so judging her parenting just isn't on. If it's bothering you that much, put your DC into an extra day of childcare. You'll risk the relationship with your MIL though and you may find as time goes on, you'll want her support more.

You haven't listed differences in parenting styles, you've listed all the ways in which you think you're better than this other woman, who actually has nothing to do with the issue at all.

Get your dh to talk to his mum, but even free childcare has a cost. Your price is your MIL suggesting dance classes 🤔

If that's the worst of it and there's no backstory or dripfeed than YABVVU.

You need her for childcare. Smile, nod and suck it up.

You sound like such a judgemental knob.

You sound really quite judgy and sneering OP.

I suspect you've got general issues with your MIL and this other woman who.....god forbid 😱 uses a high back booster and chose to formula feed 😱is giving you an outlet to nit pick

You sound incredible precious and up tight

I think this hits the nail on the head.

Unfortunately, as you can't afford the extra child care and MIL is clearly doing you a favour, you're just going to have to bite your lip.

And yes, in answer to your question in the title, your are being precious, also unpleasant and judgemental.

Your child will meet a great many differently reared children when she starts school, and no doubt you'll vet them all and veto any potential relationships with those that don't meet your standards, but MIL is a grown woman and you cannot tell her who she can and can't be friends with while she looking after your child for you.

Obviously, if MIL were putting your child into situations that could harm her in some way then that's an entirely different kettle of fish, but somehow I suspect your child will survive mixing with a child that has been formula fed, wears nail varnish and went to dance classes at an early age without too much harm coming to her.

If Margo Leadbetter had children this would be her post 🤣🤣🤣

Nobody is asking you to be friends with her, so whether you’d choose to be is moot; and I’m not sure what “boundaries” you think need to be enforced. MIL mentioning that her friend’s three-year-old granddaughter goes to dance classes just needs the response “I think DD is a little young for dance classes quite yet, maybe when she’s older.” By the time your own DD is three or four I’m fairly certain she’ll be asking you for those dance classes herself as many of her own friends will be going.

"tell MiL that I don’t want hear her friends opinions of my decisions."

"Mary said there's a space in a dance class her daughter went to" is just letting you know there's a space in a dance class, it isn't an opinion on your parenting. You're the one with opinions on her parenting, it sounds like!

I think there’s a difference between telling your MIL to stop seeing her friend, which I don’t think is reasonable. And asking your MIL to stop comparing your child and her friends grandchild. Which is more reasonable. I would just advise that everyone parents their own way and you have your way and to please stop comparing as it isn’t helpful to anyone.