Female friends on a stag night

[Sweetsweetgrass]

My fiance has asked if I'm OK with him inviting two female friends to his stag do. His plan is to do an activity i.e. paintballing, go-karting, during the day then rent a big house on Air BnB to do a bbq and everyone can stay over and drink. He said it won't be heavy drinking, whilst we're in our thirties some guys will be in 40s/50s. He has a list of 10 guys and 2 girls. I've briefly met each woman once during our relationship to say hello but otherwise I can't say I know them at all. He said they're friends so wants to invite them, it shouldn't matter that they're women.

Honestly, I have several issues with this.

1. I don't know these women and they aren't part of his day to day life so I'm confused why he wants to invite them now
2. I feel the group dynamics will change with women there and the other guys may not be happy with this
3. Why would a woman want to attend a stag do where she doesn't know all the guys? Personally I wouldn't want to be drinking and staying over in a house full of men when I don't know all of them (they may feel the same as he hasn't invited them yet).

I know I'm supposed to be totally cool with it and respect his friendships and show everyone how secure I am, but I'm not comfortable with it. Is this just me or would others have reservations?

My DH has three of his women friends on his stag do. I had two of my male friends on my hen. I'm not sure what the issue is if you have no concerns about your fiancé.

OP I don’t think some people accusing you of internalised misogyny etc have read the full thread. This isn’t about normal circumstances under which a mixed stag/hen do might happen so ignore them, the comments aren’t relevant.

I do think the "good to have women there to police the men's behaviour" thing deeply depressing. It's like sitting girls next to boys in primary school to stop them being naughty.

I've been to a stag do - a mixed group went wakeboarding in the afternoon, then a more select male group went to the stag's house and drank/ate takeaway in the evening. The wakeboarding actually said they were considering banning all-male stag groups as they often arrive drunk and there are then difficult conversations about safety to be had, but had no concerns about mixed stags or hens as they were always polite....

I've been to two stag dos and organised a third. And for 2 of 3 of these stag dos, I also was invited to (& attended) their respective partners' hen nights. TBH, the hens night were wilder than the stag dos.

And yes, we also had a hot tub at one of the stag dos, as we did at 2 of the hens. Whatever next?!

DH had female friends at his stag. One of them was his best man. One was an ex who always flirts with him if I am around. I have always loathed her, but I wouldn't have stopped him having her at his stag. His party. His choice. I had a few male friends at my hen too and was so happy to see them.

This is the oddest thing ever. I work with men I can drink rum attend bbqs. And enjoy banter. Having a vagina does not preclude me from doing those things, and mean I can only do spa days and nice meals out.

So invite them to the wedding. I think it’s fine to go to the stag and not the wedding myself.

you are coming up with a load of faux naivety and weird rules just as you’re jealous and insecure and don’t wish to admit it.

Id be mortified that my husband to be thought it was socially acceptable to invite people to his stag do, with the expectation that they spend money on activities and accommodation and then not invite them to the wedding!

That is so fucking rude.

Get a grip. Fucking hell.

They’re not invited to the wedding, but are to the stag?

That is really odd. And kinda rude to them.

i think this is a best man problem op he basically wants to use your DF's stag to facilitate him hooking up with one of these women, interesting that it's also his suggestion to uninvite your friend, why? is he afraid your friend will report back to you. I wouldn't like it either, not because men and women can't mix on a stag do they absolutely can and do but the reasons for them being invited seems a bit off together with the treatment of your poor friend being discarded like a piece of rubbish. talk to your fiancé about it if he is a decent man(which I assume he is since you are marrying him) he will listen to your concerns about this .

YABU.

It’s his stag do, for him and his friends so he can invite who he likes. I have been on the stags of two of my male friends. One was a rather civilised day at the cricket followed by dinner at a Michelin starred restaurant, the other was a good old fashioned piss up. Both were great.

I have never had a hen party, but if I did I would expect to invite a couple of ‘cockerels’, and I would hope they would accept.

No. Staunchly working class here and organised my friend’s hen earlier this year which a male friend attended, and I am organising his stag at which there will be women. I was also invited to another male friend’s stag this weekend but wasn’t able to go. I’ve also been on an all woman hen weekend this year.

Most are all men/all women, but the odd man and woman at the other is nothing unusual at all.

Funny thing is I don't consider myself a girly girl. I rarely hang out with just girls, but there are occasions where it's nice to be girls only and the talk is different. Before the wedding, I decided I wanted to chill and relax and book a spa afternoon with a massage - there has been a lot of family trauma this year I won't go into and I wanted to treat myself. For me. I invited some female relatives and two females friends primarily cos no boys were interested in doing this! In the evening I've invited some more friends one of whom is non binary. I extended the invite on the premise I would not be offended if they decline but they should know it's only women attending if that matters to them. They took no offence and said they'd love to attend. All good. I have male friends and almost all our social gatherings are in mixed groups. I am OK with this.

The fact is, my Fiance made a list initially of guys. His best man then suggested removing my male friend, and adding the women, so I am questioning this and why they are now invited when they weren't originally. He says they are close friends but it doesn't add up for me. I am not sure why we have to do everything in mixed groups all of the time. Why is it wrong on this one occasion for girls/boys to do different things? Why does that make me misogynistic? I feel if we are doing mixed events perhaps it should be one mixed party rather than separate hen/stag dos but my Fiance wanted to do his thing, which is fair enough. I have not put an ultimatum to him or dictated who he should invite, if anything, it's his best man who is dictating who should come and who shouldn't and placing people into events they do not want to attend.

Processing all of this, I have come to the conclusion that the best man has not considered my Fiance nor me in his plans, but what really gets me is he hasn't checked what my Fiance wants. We've spoken this afternoon and my Fiance has said our male friend (yes who I knew first but is now his friend too) is coming to the stag do and he has told his best man that women are invited to the wedding only, it's men only at the stag do. His best mans response was 'that's rubbish'. Not, 'OK whatever you want mate', but that he thinks it's rubbish and he doesn't like that. My Fiance doesn't get to hang out with the boys all that much especially since we have children. He said if there's any issues, he's very happy to keep it with boys only which was what he originally planned. Sorry to report we haven't cancelled the wedding nor has he left me.

I tend to agree but I have refrained from making comments about the best man, just focused on why has the plan changed and what does he actually want to do. He conceded he was never going to uninvite my male friend as that would be a crap thing to do and as someone who will be at the ceremony and a full day guest he has more right to be there than some of the evening only guests who are being invited to the stag do.

So the women are invited to the wedding ? I thought they were only invited to the stag.

Sorry badly worded. He meant his female friends can come to the wedding but not the stag. Whether the two in question make the cut to the evening reception is yet to be decided, but his other female friends weren't invited to the stag but they are being invited to the wedding.

Does this make sense? He has female friends and has invited them to the wedding, but these two were not on the list but somehow were on the verge of being invited to the stag.

So DF’s close female friends = invited to wedding but not stag (as is usual)

DF’s two female friends he’s not seen much of for ages = not invited to wedding, but now possibly invited to stag?

Yeah that’s just odd. If I’ve understood correctly.

Sounds like your fiancé has realised his best man was serving himself and has explained his very reasonable position - great result! Glad it’s all resolved 🥳

I wouldn't want to do the stag events, and whilst some women may enjoy it, it is a typical lads event and drinking rum with a bbq. Which is why I am questioning why invite them, would they enjoy it? Fiance has said one of them is very girly girl and probably wouldn't stay anyway. She's quite reserved and wouldn't want bad language and boy banter, which is why I am questioning why change his event to accommodate women?

uggghhh this is one of the most nauseatingly sexist things I have read. Women are allowed to drink rum and enjoy “banter”. ( “boy banter” on the other hand is typically code for misogyny and shouldn’t be enjoyed by anyone). We don’t all have to be “reserved”.

I can’t tell if you don’t trust your fiancée or you are just regressive and sexist and like to compete/ compare yourself constantly to other women.

YABU.