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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH took our DD2 trampolining in her pyjamas

345 replies

Edenmum2 · 30/06/2024 23:06

I don't know why it annoyed me so much. He has her one-on-one on Sunday mornings (I have a lie in as I do all night wakings) and took her trampolining. He had 2 hours to get her up and ready. Im pretty sure he didn't clean her teeth either. Definitely didn't brush her hair.

He turns up at lunch time all proud of himself and she's still in her pyjamas! Now filthy because they went to the park after.

I don't want to be a nag, I don't want to be negative, I love them bonding and I'm appreciative of him taking her but I just can't shake the fact that his standards for her are so much lower than mine. Like every time I leave her in his care she looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards. Really I can't think he has any other reason to not get her dressed beyond 'I couldn't be bothered'

Am I being a terrible nag? Would it bother you? I just feel like I take on all the mental load of her entire life and he can't even be bothered to get her dressed.

Would it bother you?

OP posts:
6pence · 01/07/2024 08:33

This is a hill worth dying on. You need to set your boundaries for her care in his hands. Make it an issue now to prevent trouble/resentment further down the line.

What does he say when you question him?

He’s not doing basic care and its neglecting her. Tell him if you did the same, you’d have social services come knocking. He has to properly parent as you do. It’s not nagging, it’s imperative he steps up.

WhataPlank · 01/07/2024 08:37

My job involves me having to take a lot of safeguarding training.
One thing that always comes up as a classic red flag is when a child is out of the house in inappropriate clothes and is dirty.
I'm not at all saying that your husband is a safeguarding risk, but they are viewed as symptoms of neglect - if someone at the park routinely saw a parent bring a dirty, ungroomed child in their pajamas out; they'd have a legitimate reason to call social services.

WhataPlank · 01/07/2024 08:38

Sorry, I should expand that explaining it is a common safeguarding red flag could be an objective way of bringing it up - rather than something to do with personal preference.

CatrionaBalfour · 01/07/2024 08:38

letting her lie in
They're parents and share the care. Some people on here are acting as if the DH is giving the OP some sort of massive privilege, instead of - well, just being a dad.

Mischance · 01/07/2024 08:40

Leave him be and enjoy your lie-in. Dads do stuff differently and that is fine. Don't fall into the trap of being the fount of all wisdom on child care as that will put him off getting involved. Your way need not always be the right way.

Let them have fun together!

S00tyandSweep · 01/07/2024 08:41

It would be so tempting to phone him at work today (or get someone else to) and tell him that social services have called you and that the trampoline park gave your details as they were worried your daughter wasn't being properly cared for.

It was obvious she hadn't been washed or dressed recently and SS want to make an appointment to visit the 3 of you so he can explain why his child's basics standards of care weren't met; which day can he meet them this week?

SS also need to speak to his friends, neighbours, family and coworkers to see if they think he's a negligent father and if there's been any signs of abuse, because lack of hygiene for a child is often an early indicator of this.

He needs to prepare a written statement explaining why he didn't (in the two hours he had available) brush his daughter's hair or teeth, change her clothes or wash her face, so SS can ascertain if he needs to attend parenting courses and (in extreme circumstances) see if DD needs to be taken into care.

I wonder if he actually had to explain what he'd done (or hadn't done) to an authority figure, he'd actually realise what a pathetic parent he was.

The bar is set so ridiculously low for men and their parenting (if they bother parenting at all). Teeth cleaning is a literal 2 min job and can protect your child from years of pain and discomfort; why wouldn't you do that?

CatrionaBalfour · 01/07/2024 08:42

"Dads do stuff differently". Not all of them. Some manage very well with the basics and giving their children fun activities.

Mischance · 01/07/2024 08:43

All the people talking about social services and safeguarding are totally wrong. I was a social worker and I worried more about ultra tidy/clean households and perfectly groomed children.

Your child and her Dad were having fun - end of. You do it your way and let him do it his.

Mischance · 01/07/2024 08:44

I am utterly staggered that people find this any sort of problem.

Buttoneyed · 01/07/2024 08:45

Mischance · 01/07/2024 08:43

All the people talking about social services and safeguarding are totally wrong. I was a social worker and I worried more about ultra tidy/clean households and perfectly groomed children.

Your child and her Dad were having fun - end of. You do it your way and let him do it his.

Hopefully OP never gets poorly then and dad needs to look after DD for a week or longer. If he does it his way for too long, the child will have matted hair and rotted teeth.

wombat15 · 01/07/2024 08:47

Mischance · 01/07/2024 08:44

I am utterly staggered that people find this any sort of problem.

Unless you don't think dressing and washing your child in the morning is part of basic parenting why are you staggered. I am staggered that in 2024 posters still see parenting as a women's job with the father helping her rather than being a parent.

LlynTegid · 01/07/2024 08:48

It would annoy me OP. It is never too early to set some basic standards, and changing into day clothes is one of them. Same with teeth cleaning.

One small step to having one less person be a slobby lazy adult.

LlynTegid · 01/07/2024 08:48

wombat15 · 01/07/2024 08:47

Unless you don't think dressing and washing your child in the morning is part of basic parenting why are you staggered. I am staggered that in 2024 posters still see parenting as a women's job with the father helping her rather than being a parent.

Show quote history

Well put.

CatrionaBalfour · 01/07/2024 08:49

wombat15 · 01/07/2024 08:47

Unless you don't think dressing and washing your child in the morning is part of basic parenting why are you staggered. I am staggered that in 2024 posters still see parenting as a women's job with the father helping her rather than being a parent.

Show quote history

This 💯

Daisy12Maisie · 01/07/2024 08:50

Lack of teeth washing would bother me but I'm currently wearing my son's big baggy t shirt and a pair of pyjama trousers. They could pass as lounge wear. I'm going to do a big shop at Aldi then I'm going to see my mum for a cup of tea.
I'm going out like this as I'm shattered after 4 12 hour shifts. They were in the clean washing pile so I have just chucked them on. I'm going out this evening so I'll get dressed up then. So it's lazy and doesn't look great that she is in her pyjamas but it's not the end of the world.

OhTediosity · 01/07/2024 08:52

There are some women on this thread who need to be introduced to the concept of weaponised incompetence.

The bar is subterranean.

ageratum1 · 01/07/2024 08:53

S00tyandSweep · 01/07/2024 08:41

It would be so tempting to phone him at work today (or get someone else to) and tell him that social services have called you and that the trampoline park gave your details as they were worried your daughter wasn't being properly cared for.

It was obvious she hadn't been washed or dressed recently and SS want to make an appointment to visit the 3 of you so he can explain why his child's basics standards of care weren't met; which day can he meet them this week?

SS also need to speak to his friends, neighbours, family and coworkers to see if they think he's a negligent father and if there's been any signs of abuse, because lack of hygiene for a child is often an early indicator of this.

He needs to prepare a written statement explaining why he didn't (in the two hours he had available) brush his daughter's hair or teeth, change her clothes or wash her face, so SS can ascertain if he needs to attend parenting courses and (in extreme circumstances) see if DD needs to be taken into care.

I wonder if he actually had to explain what he'd done (or hadn't done) to an authority figure, he'd actually realise what a pathetic parent he was.

The bar is set so ridiculously low for men and their parenting (if they bother parenting at all). Teeth cleaning is a literal 2 min job and can protect your child from years of pain and discomfort; why wouldn't you do that?

You are completely bonkers!

Bernadinetta · 01/07/2024 08:54

People saying “it’s just one day”- yeah it’s just one day because the OP is doing the care every other day. What would happen if the OP got hit by a bus tomorrow? Would the kid never have her teeth or hair brushed or get dressed? Or would the DH step up? (Or would his mother, the child’s DGM take over… hmm).

It’s also not just about doing the care on that one day but about teaching the DC daily habits for life to be able to care for themselves as they get older.

Its absolute basic hygiene and care and the DH sounds lazy.

Greatmate · 01/07/2024 08:55

You could ask him...

Are you neglecting our childs basic hygiene because you are lazy. Or qre you choosing to neglect her to cause a argument and demonstrates your incompetent so you will not have to get up with her on a Sunday morning. Either way your neglecting her. I just wondered what your motivation is.

However, be prepared for the kick off and him telling you he's not helping you anymore (because he probably thinks parenting his own kid is helping you) because I think that doing as little as possible is probably his motivation.

ageratum1 · 01/07/2024 08:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Would op know how to walk in and do her dh day job perfectly?

CatrionaBalfour · 01/07/2024 08:57

To be fair, @Daisy12Maisie , you're an adult, you're understandably exhausted, and making your own decisions. I'm sure that most of the time your self care is good!
This is about a dad and a small child.
Parents are always putting in effective routines and modelling good behaviour. So much so, that a child will get into the habit of finding clean clothes, washing their hands and face and brushing their hair from quite early on. An occasional lapse? No problem, but otherwise I think it's lazy, and only selecting the fun parts of being a dad.

CatrionaBalfour · 01/07/2024 08:59

ageratum1 · 01/07/2024 08:55

Would op know how to walk in and do her dh day job perfectly?

Show quote history

Well if his day job is nursing, probably not. If his day job is putting clothes on small children I would say "yes"

CelesteCunningham · 01/07/2024 08:59

CatrionaBalfour · 01/07/2024 08:38

letting her lie in
They're parents and share the care. Some people on here are acting as if the DH is giving the OP some sort of massive privilege, instead of - well, just being a dad.

And don't forget, she gets the lie in because she does the night wakenings. All of them. Two years of broken sleep for her, a few hours of shoddy care on a Sunday morning for him.

What a hero, eh?

Pickingmyselfup · 01/07/2024 09:02

Yes it would annoy me, if you are leaving the house at least change pyjamas and definitely do their teeth!

It wouldn't bother me if it was a day at home and pyjamas weren't changed as long as teeth were done and they had a bath and clean pyjamas for bed. It also wouldn't bother me if my husband inadvertently put clean pyjamas on instead of leggings although if they were obviously pyjamas I would be raising an eyebrow.

I don't have high standards, I will happily leave the house makeup free and in tracksuit bottoms and a hoody but they are clean and my teeth are done, hair brushed or put back. I expect the same for my children, wear what you like as long as it's appropriate and basic hygiene is done.

S00tyandSweep · 01/07/2024 09:03

@ageratum1 putting clothes on a child isn't exactly brain surgery is it? 😂

Why would any parent not know how to dress their own child? It's not the mum's "job" to dress the children, it's the parent's responsibility 50/50.

Fuck me, we're not in the 1950s people.