By not telling my baby's dads gf he has cheated

[diamondinterior01]

So, when I was pregnant my then partner left me, wanting nothing to do with me or the baby, no explanation just stay out of my life!
Fast forward 9 months I'm flicking through facebook, I see him in a woman's profile pics I click on it and to my horror, see he has a girlfriend and THREE young children, one is 4 weeks younger than my son.
I messaged him and asked what the hell id
Going on, at first he said they wasn't together when we was (LIE) then he said, well, I never said I wasn't with anyone, what the hell, trying to get off on a technicality.
So my question is, should I just leave the situation alone and get on with my life or should I let his girlfriend know? I'm so torn, do I really want to blow up a poor innocent woman's life and three children's also?

@OneShyLimeBird at risk? In what way do you mean?

You could well become an outcast in the community and rumours could spread about you

@OneShyLimeBird oh, I don't care about that and we live in different towns

One day your son will ask questions about dad. He will go looking when he is old enough. He will want to know who his dad is. He will want to know why his dad wasn't around.
He deserves those answers.

So, it either comes out now, or some time in the future.

It will be messy now, it will be messy in the future.

You don't owe anyone anything. Nor does he

If he didn't want a baby, he should not have engaged in having sex with someone that wasn't his partner?
He also should have been more responsibile and put on a condom, if he was going to shag around.

Conception is a risk of sex even if all the precautions are put in place.

This is his issue, not yours, not the other woman's, not her children and not your son's.

It will be upsetting for everyone. But it takes two to tango.

An outcast? Those days are long gone.

I agree. I think this is in the best interests of op's son. I think tbe letter a pp suggested is a good one too.

They already have been devastated, they just do not know yet. It is a ticking time bomb that is better done now than later, for all the children involved.

@Snugglemonkey inevitably I'll be the bad one in everyone's eyes though

Maybe but not to your child for not keeping them a dirty secret from their half siblings even if they don’t want a relationship when older they will at least know he exists.

Perhaps in the short term. Does that matter? Would you rather it be your sin who gets the joy of having to make these choices? Him to be rejected? Yes, he might be rejected now, but he is too wee to notice. Better that this plaster is ripped off and everything settles while he is wee.

Then when he is older, you will have information for him and will be able to tell him that he did not deserve to be a secret, so you stood up for him.

Perhaps you will gain him grandparents. Perhaps even half sisters (in time). You can but try to make good come from this mess.

@Snugglemonkey one of the other things I think about is, desperate people do desperate things, what if he decided to harm me and or my son if I speak up? Maybe I watch too many crime docs

You can't be serious

Remove everyone else from the equation then. Make it all about your son.

When your son is asking about his paternal family, are you going to tell him that his sisters don’t actually know he exists because you decided to keep his father’s secret? Or are you going to tell him that you approached their mum and told her that you hadn’t known about their relationship but that you now have this perfect little boy that her girls should know about?

Thanks to his father, he’s going to feel rejected, hurt and angry. Any child would if their parent(s) treated them like his father has done. So do you want him to feel hurt and angry with you because you’ve kept him a secret and potentially denied his sisters the chance to have a relationship with him? Or do you want him to direct his feelings towards his father because you’ve done everything you could to facilitate a relationship?

Yes, a bomb is going to go off in everyone’s life and I’m quite sure that you are going to get some undeserved blame, because it’s easier to blame a stranger than the man who is supposed to love them all above everything. But that bomb has been set off by HIS actions and it is only a matter of time until everything comes out in the open. There’s no putting your child back in the cupboard and pretending he doesn’t exist. Whatever path you take, you cannot stop that bomb going off eventually.

I think you should tell her because I would want to know. Because his daughters may not want a relationship with him, but they definitely can’t have a relationship with him if they don’t know he exists. And, most importantly, because one day, he’s going to ask you why you didn’t tell them about him and I don’t think ‘because I didn’t want to hurt them’ is going to be acceptable to him.

How about contacting his parents instead? If they look half decent that is…
They are your son’s grandparents and might actually want a relationship.

the children wont have a relationship
dont stir the pot

What would your advice be to the OP in fourteen years time when her teenage son is asking her why she kept him a secret?

Or when she has to navigate between either refusing to tell her child who his father is, or running the risk that she tells him and he approaches his half sisters directly, who will have no idea of their father’s affair or the existence of the OP’s son, who will likely question their mother who, in turn, will likely want to speak to the OP with a million questions, the first of which is likely to be why she didn’t say anything at the time.

If we were just dealing with adults here, then there would be an argument for whether or not it was stirring the pot. But there are children involved who are going to want answers in the future, irrespective of whether they have the option of relationships with half siblings.

I think this is a good alternative.

If you are going to tell then I think it is best to do it sooner rather than later down the line. If you aren't going to tell then I think it would be best just to forget the dad as nothing good will ever come of it. At the end of the day you didn't know and were fed lies, you have done nothing wrong.

Yes because this is csi or midsummer murders. 😅😅🙄

@OhmygodDont I know it seems far fetched but it does happen, I know it's unlikely but not exactly impossible

Just seems like another excuse or reason tbh.

If you don’t want to tell her don’t but the odds are one day it will come out, if you really thought he would be the type to harm you or your child you wouldn’t of messaged about it and sent child support after him 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think I'm too soft, I'm so worried about hurting the family (not him) I just got the child maintenance through and I feel bad at the amount he has to give me, it's a lot in my opinion

If it’s genuinely a lot. She’s going to find out unless they have super spare cash when corners start being cut and days out cut down or whatever. He will either come clean or make an excuse. Or she will go digging find the paperwork and then go fishing for the ow who she will likely think is still an on going women.

If his currently playing away with someone else when she finds the cms paperwork any dodgy stuff with a new mistress she will think is you, and to save his new sexual partner he will properly tell her it is you. Because he will get to set the story.

You can simple send a factual letter? Email or Facebook.

Hi, I realise this will be a shock I was dating John for 10 months before I fell pregnant, I thought we where in a exclusive relationship however it transpired he was not who I was led to believe he was, we last slept together on X date.. the only contact I’ve had with him since is via (text?) to arrange for him to pay maintenance for our child, born (date). I have no intention of trying to contact yourself again. However if you wish to ever talk regarding our children being half siblings (random made up email just for this purpose) is always open. I’m ever so sorry to have to let you know this way, but you and your children deserve to know just as much as (baby) will know he has half siblings.

Random women.

No - it's not up to the 'dad'

You're grappling for excuses as to why you don't have to do this.

But you don't. It's not your moral responsibility. The fact that you now have this knowledge doesn't automatically place the onus on you for disclosing it. The likely fallout and the blame being foisted onto you is the reason why you're hesitant. If you don't want to take this upon yourself, you don't have to.

The only person to whom you owe a truthful explanation is, in the fullness of time, your child. His father has already rejected him; you can't force that relationship to happen. You are therefore perfectly justified in taking the course of action you feel best protects him from the pain of further rejection, as well as the fallout caused by his father's actions which are no fault of your own.

You owe no justification to anyone for your choices in this matter. If you choose to tell her then this decision should be yours, not because it's what the moral guardians of Mumsnet tell you to do.

Women are not responsible for what men do.