By not telling my baby's dads gf he has cheated

[diamondinterior01]

So, when I was pregnant my then partner left me, wanting nothing to do with me or the baby, no explanation just stay out of my life!
Fast forward 9 months I'm flicking through facebook, I see him in a woman's profile pics I click on it and to my horror, see he has a girlfriend and THREE young children, one is 4 weeks younger than my son.
I messaged him and asked what the hell id
Going on, at first he said they wasn't together when we was (LIE) then he said, well, I never said I wasn't with anyone, what the hell, trying to get off on a technicality.
So my question is, should I just leave the situation alone and get on with my life or should I let his girlfriend know? I'm so torn, do I really want to blow up a poor innocent woman's life and three children's also?

I suspect that she might be a bit ‘shoot the messenger’ at first, but when she calms down and realises you did nothing wrong, I expect she’ll realise you did her a favour. It might be too painful for her to encourage a relationship between your child and hers, but you’ll be able to explain to your son when he’s older that you did try.

Do it in writing rather than approaching her directly.

Maybe something like
‘Dear…
I’ve thought long and hard about whether to write this letter since I found out about your existence, but have decided that you deserve to know and I would want to be told if I were in your position.
I met (insert scumbag’s name here) in 2023 and we began dating. I fell pregnant in … and he subsequently abandoned me, telling me he wanted nothing further to do with me or the baby. I recently saw your fb photo and have realised that I was inadvertently ‘the other woman’. I am so incredibly sorry; I had absolutely no idea that he wasn’t single and never would have gone near him if I’d had any inkling he was in a relationship. I didn’t meet any of his family because he told me that they didn’t speak.
I contacted him on … to confront him about lying to me and putting me in this dreadful position and he told me that he’d never actually confirmed to me that he was single, so he hadn’t technically lied to me.
I understand that this may come as a massive shock to you. I’ve just submitted a claim for child maintenance and will be happy for a dna test to be conducted if he denies paternity. I’m also happy to answer any questions you may have.
As I said, I now have a son, born on …. I’m sure that this will be too much for you to even think about right now, but if you wanted your DC to have some sort of relationship with him in the future, this is definitely something that I would be open to.
Best wishes etc.

An awful letter for anyone to receive, but she’s going to have questions and doubts and those should answer the immediate ones. What a shitbag this man is.

How long had you been together?

I think that letter is a very sensitive way of putting it, my son has a whole other family out there, an aunt and nan and grandad at the very least. Why should he miss out

I would definitely contact her as your children are siblings. As they get older they won’t care what their parents think about contact.

We were together 10 months we met in the gym we both went to

This would be an incredibly cruel thing to do.

Just like the OP, the other mum has done nothing wrong. She’s got a newborn baby and finding out what a shitbag her partner is, the man she’s chosen to have children with, is going to blow her world apart. She’s going to be thinking about how she’s going to cope and how she’s going to feed her babies. Why would you want to make it even worse for her by prioritising revenge on him? That is never going to lead to any kind of amicable relationship between the two mums as the children grow up. It’s just causing hurt where it isn’t deserved.

OP you were the OW. You didn’t know but you were. He’s gone back to his wife/partner. Don’t blow her world apart.

Just let it go quietly. There is not much chance of a relationship between the siblings if dad doesn’t want that, and he doesn’t.

She deserves better u would want to know ... the letter someone wrote on here is brilliant BTW GOOD LUCK X

Get a DNA test first ordered by the court. Or he will spin her a tale, and you will be made out to be crazy and saying a child is his when it’s not. Let the evidence prove it. Don’t message her personally. Give her an letter of evidence

That's the thing, what if I tell her and it's for nothing, my son never ends up knowing his family because she isn't interested.

I’d tell the grandparents, see how they act from that. They might force his hand to tell her.

She might think km doing it out of spite and bitterness

Can't say I ever thought I'd be in this situation, it's all I think about, day and night, it's draining

If I was in her position, I wouldn't be wanting my children to have a relationship with their half-sibling - the evidence that their father had cheated. They're not 'family' in any meaningful sense of the word.

I do think she deserves to know, though.

OP doesn't need to say sorry. She hasn't done anything wrong. This is a bit of a soppy letter if you ask me. I would leave out the emotions and keep it to the facts.

OP she'll probably hate you for a while, but I'd want to know.

You may have nothing to do with any of them, but he has parental responsibilities, even if just financial. The truth is better out than in.

If you want your son to know his family contact them yourself, his mum and his dad.

Yeah I’d tell her. It’s totally up to her what she does with that information but if you are 100% certain that your DS is his (and I mean no disrespect by that) then she absolutely has a right to know. Your DS also has a right to know in the future who their dad and potential half siblings are too.

Isn’t it just delaying the inevitable though? Eventually the OP’s little baby boy is going to become a strapping teenager who probably has some things he’s going to want to say to his father. And living in what sounds like the next town, and being around the same sort of age, he’s going to want answers.

So do you answer his questions at an early age, (obviously in an age appropriate way) so he grows up used to the situation or wait until he’s a teen, with all sorts of questions and a lot of anger at things being kept from him? What if he tracks down his sister, finds out where they live and goes knocking on his father’s door? It would be easy enough to do, especially in this day and age, and being so close.

Although the OP has a moral obligation to be as kind as she can to the other mum, she’s got to put her son’s emotional wellbeing as a priority. I’m not convinced that the other mum finding out in 15 years time would be a better outcome for her or the OP’s son.

I’d wait six months so that she’s got things a bit more under control and then tell her.

I think you need to tell her, as sensitively as possible. The message that someone posted above is really well worded and appropriate imo.

I've had something similar happen to me, I had been seeing someone for a few months when his pregnant other girlfriend messaged me to let me know what he was up to. Fortunately I wasn't pregnant, and although it was a really tough time I was so glad she had the balls to message.

She wouldn’t be saying sorry because she’s done something wrong. She’d be expressing her sorrow that she’s had to break such horrible news to her.

Yes, you could make it factual and not include any emotion. But wouldn’t it be better for all the children if neither of the mums hated each other, or held the other responsible for breaking up a family? Because the man in this situation sounds unlikely to hold up his hands and admit that it was all his fault.

Then at least she knows the truth. We all deserve that. I can't think of anyone who would rather not know.

If he was sleeping with two of you it’s not a huge stretch to think there might have been another one, so I’d still say STI tests are needed by all involved.

Plus, I try not to use the word ‘clean’ in relation to test results, as it implies a positive test is ‘dirty’ which is not the case. It’s simply a positive or negative result, not clean or dirty.

Well then

Tell her

If I was her, I would want to know because I would want to know my spouse or boyfriend had put my health at risk.

I would have zero interest in worrying about a relationship between the half siblings. That would be the responsibility of the shared parent during his custody time.

I might be able to forgive cheating, but not cheating that produced a child. There are two outcomes there with staying together. 1) he abandons the baby and I lose all respect for him or 2) I have to accept the child into my home as my step-child which I could not do. The only real option is divorce so he can be a parent.z