By not telling my baby's dads gf he has cheated

[diamondinterior01]

So, when I was pregnant my then partner left me, wanting nothing to do with me or the baby, no explanation just stay out of my life!
Fast forward 9 months I'm flicking through facebook, I see him in a woman's profile pics I click on it and to my horror, see he has a girlfriend and THREE young children, one is 4 weeks younger than my son.
I messaged him and asked what the hell id
Going on, at first he said they wasn't together when we was (LIE) then he said, well, I never said I wasn't with anyone, what the hell, trying to get off on a technicality.
So my question is, should I just leave the situation alone and get on with my life or should I let his girlfriend know? I'm so torn, do I really want to blow up a poor innocent woman's life and three children's also?

Take it from someone with adult children: your kid will more than likely want to find dad, if only just to meet him. Rip the plaster off now.

Be prepared that they may want nothing at all to do with your son. I'd leave it, you can tell your son when he's older.

Oh mate. This whole scenario is tawdry

What if your son meets and falls in love with one of his sisters in the future. Stranger things have happened and they don't live too far apart.

Well when they grow up he might meet one of these half sisters as you not so far away and inadvertently get in a relationship... at some point he needs to know.

Yes, he may be rejected by all of them, I'm in such a state over what to do, I'm trying to work out what is best for my child, I think maybe just leave it, he may get caught out at some point

I have thought about the siblings potentially ending up in a relationship but I think it's quite unlikely

I’d be more concerned with you having to face a very hurt and angry teenager, wanting to know why you didn’t tell any of his paternal family about him when he was born. I don’t think that your average teen will have the emotional maturity to understand the position you’re currently in.

This will have to be visited at some point.

I would get it over with jow so you know where you all stand and bring your son up accordingly and be able to tell him the situation, even if its a shit situation.

This won't be hidden forever so you can either give her the facts now, let her make her decisions, and allow her to get on with whatever she wants out of life (maybe even move on, meet someone decent who won't cheat) or you stress for 15 years, she stays with this arsehole for 15 years and then it all comes out anyway.

I think you are trying to prevent the inevitable. What are you going to do when DC asks who is dad and wants to see him? What are you going to do when he asks if he has another set of grandparents

If you tell DC “I didn’t want to say anything” they may be angry at you.

It is probably best to rip the bandage off now

You could be potentially putting his partner through months / years of being in a relationship with a cheater if you don’t tell her now. What if she finds out he’s cheated in 5 years time? She could be with someone better.

do it before you regret it

I think you are right to wait a few months until she is past the newborn stage but I would do it whilst your child is still a baby and doesn’t understand what is going on.

So what if she has a 3 week old at home? YOu have a 7 week old at home that's also his.

Tell her who she's married to. ANd make sure she knows you've filed for child support.

If there was no child involved and you were just telling this woman he cheated on her - then no, I wouldn’t say anything and I’d let them get on with their lives.

But we’re not talking about telling her he cheated. We’re talking about telling her that her kids have a half sibling and you’ll be claiming maintenance and you want your child to have a relationship with father and half siblings. That’s not something you can keep quiet.

I think 100% tell her now. Otherwise you're denying the inevitable finding out when the kids are all teens, which will be awful for everyone.

I think all women would rather know tbh... The kind message someone posted upthread is sensitively written and the way to go imo

I would definitely want to know if I was the wife, because it's bound to come out eventually and I wouldn't want to look back and know I'd wasted even more time with a cheating scumbag.

This is not your secret to keep. It would be awful of you to make your child into a dirty little secret from his siblings, father and family. He deserves better than that.

Well, wouldn't you like to know if your man was out cheating on you and having a relationship with a baby on the side? He is probably doing the same thing right now but with someone else. I would definately tell the wife, nicely, give your number so she can contact you once she's calmed down. Who knows ? Maybe this will lead up to a friendship where your children can meet regularly? But be prepared to wait and let the news sink in.

The longer you wait, the worse it will be for her.

This makes me think your primary motive is to work out your anger against him. If this was about the siblings getting caught out wouldn’t be in your thought process.

I actually think it is prioritising her in some ways as she will have the full picture and can make an informed choice.

However, I don't think she is the priority overall, the kids are. They are related and if they live near to eachother they will find out.

Perhaps OP could wait a little but I think it needs to be done and OPs priority should be clearing her own head of this mess rather than keeping his secret and putting another woman ahead of herself.

Eta - if he has slept with both women without a condom there could be more and both women should be aware att the earliest opportunity to get a sexual health screening.

I don't even feel anger towards him he repulses me. "Getting caught out" as in I wouldn't have to be the one to turn this families life upside down. If I was angry and wanted to hurt him or get revenge I'd of messaged her immediately upon finding out what he'd done

Granted, I don't care about him or what this does to him, but I am bothered about the girlfriend and children

I’d give it a couple more weeks, then tell her as gently as you can.

Not only will her baby be a bit older but also hopefully it’ll come out and he’ll have to tell her without you being so involved.

It seems unfair that you’ll be the one having to tell her when he’s the one in the wrong.

But on the other hand it may be worth you ‘getting in there first’ and giving your side of the story.

OP, my nephew is your son in this situation, now in his twenties and an uncle.

His half siblings have nothing to do with him, and never have. They have left bars and sports grounds if they see him there.
At one stage he and his half brother were playing in the same football league and the half brother (aged 12-14 at the time refused to be on the pitch at the same time as him, as in told his manager to take him off).

Do not assume any contact will be welcomed because it almost certainly will not be.

This thread reminded me of a bloke from my VI Form college who I knew from senior school. He met a girl in his Economics A level class and started a relationship.

Her mother had a meltdown when she met him as she knew/had always known her DH had an affair that resulted in a child around the same time as her DD. She couldn’t understand why her DD couldn’t see the likeness apparently.

Blew the whole family apart.

The fact there are children involved who are related means you really do have to tell her.

Good luck.