By not telling my baby's dads gf he has cheated

[diamondinterior01]

So, when I was pregnant my then partner left me, wanting nothing to do with me or the baby, no explanation just stay out of my life!
Fast forward 9 months I'm flicking through facebook, I see him in a woman's profile pics I click on it and to my horror, see he has a girlfriend and THREE young children, one is 4 weeks younger than my son.
I messaged him and asked what the hell id
Going on, at first he said they wasn't together when we was (LIE) then he said, well, I never said I wasn't with anyone, what the hell, trying to get off on a technicality.
So my question is, should I just leave the situation alone and get on with my life or should I let his girlfriend know? I'm so torn, do I really want to blow up a poor innocent woman's life and three children's also?

You should reach out to the grandparents. Someone I know went through something similar. The Dad wanted nothing to do with the child but the grandparents ended up wanting to spend time with him. Eventually the Dad came round somewhat, and did spend some time with him when the child was at his grandparents. Your child deserves to know his family if they are willing to get to know him. If you try and they don’t want to know, then at least you know you’ve done all that you can do. I know that people might get hurt but it’s the adults job to think about the children and their wellbeing.

I think you need to see what happens after your child maintenance claim tbf.

@DaughterNo2 why? What do you mean?

Because it may become obvious at that point, whether his partner knows or not 🤷‍♀️

@DaughterNo2 he has blocked me on everything, he did that the day cms called him to confirm his details

You say you dont know what to do as you dont want anyone to get hurt, well someone is going to get hurt either way. Either you tell the wife now and she is hurt (not by your doing but her husbands) or you stay quiet and your son is hurt when he is older and understands more. He will be upset you went along with keeping him a secret and not giving him the chance of meeting his siblings. I know its unlikely they will have a relationship however if you can make the truth known you can hold your head high and say you did all you could. The older he gets the harder it will be to reveal this secret. I know what i would do.

I wouĺd wait 2 months then tell her.

@diamondinterior01 sorry i phrased it badly i meant i wouldn’t tell the wife for my own selfish reasons I wasn’t saying you were being selfish.

my selfish reasons would be:

1. not making life harder for myself, who knows how they will react, will he be angry and make your life harder than needs to be?
2. I’d play nice until he’s locked in with cms.

I can't believe you're entertaining not telling her. That poor woman living a lie.

Her partner will probably cheat on her again and could give her any number of STIs. It's irrelevant whether you/your child will have a relationship with them. In my view, it's very immoral for you to say nothing now that you have this information.

Just send a message: Hi XX. I'm sorry for what I'm about to tell you. A year ago/In xx month I met your partner, he gave me the impression he was single and we dated for a few months. I would never have dated him had I known he was with someone else and have been feeling terrible since I came across you on Facebook and realised.

I now have a baby and your partner is the dad. Whilst he wants nothing to do with his baby, I wanted you know this as I would have wanted to know too. I have also put in a claim for child maintenance.

I am so sorry to have been the one to give you these news. Please don't feel you need to reply, but I'm happy to answer any questions you might have."

I found out at 23 I had a younger brother and sister through my dad. They were told straight away that they had a half sister. But my mum left the area when I was a baby and didn't make the effort to find out anything about my dads side. So as a 23 yr old woman I was devastated finding out I'd missed the whole childhoods of my younger siblings, I met my bro when he was 15 and sister at 20 and 16yrs later we are still in contact, trying to make up for the time we missed.

Parents/adults should put their children's needs first, always. It isn't about adults feelings.

Why is this so important?
Why put a child through an enforced relationship with strangers who happen to (perhaps, not confirmed) share a few dna stands, given by a man the OPs children do not know. Another stranger
Cruel on so many levels

He may have done, but why shouuld op be one to devastate 4 other lives?

But you did not want anything to do with this sperm-producer. He is out of your life.
Now all of a sudden, just because you have seen what you are assuming to be another woman with his kids, you want your kids to know these 'grandparents and aunts' and to play happy families with these 'step-siblings'?
Why? Why the change of mind? Why devastste a bunch of people? It won't make the bloke who impregnated you want another 'family'. It won't necessarily mean this woman, her kids and the rest of the 'family' you have seen on fb will want a relationship with your DS.
You are hurt, but think carefully about what outcome you think you want compared to what is likely to happen if you get in touch

This is NOT an episode of Long Lost Family.

@Sondheimisademigod No, it is him that wants nothing to do with my son. I would like my child to have his dad in his life. I'm aware this isn't a tv show, hence why I'm asking others opinions. Get off your high horse

Apologies.
But the principle, whether you think it 'high horse' or not, stands; you cannot force a family or relationships. You cannot be the one to cause the devastation that will inevitably ensue if you drop this bomb

She didn’t cause the devastation - the father did! Why should she put herself out to hide his bad behaviour? I’d be honest and let the chips fall where they may.

The devastation that will be caused if op contacts the woman and her kids, trying to force a relationship with the father's family and the half-siblings

The devastation had already been caused, by this man getting another woman pregnant. OP doesn’t have to keep his secrets.

RTFT

She’s not trying to force a relationship. She’s well aware they may want nothing to do with her child and is trying to decide whether or not to let the family know of her child’s existence. She’s balancing the pain she’s well aware that will cause, against the pain her child is going to feel in years to come, when he asks about his paternal family. And she’s made it quite clear that she’s not making any decisions lightly.

What is wrong with you?

This man has already caused devastation via his actions. He is most likely a serial cheater putting his current partner at risk of STIs. It will hurt his kids more the older they are when the inevitable breakdown happens.

The poor partner absolutely deserves to know what a scumbag she's with!! It would be selfish not to tell her.

Do you know for certain that the older children are his?

Nowt wrong with me

If he won't tell her you must.

That is not the responsibility of the OP.

Do you know what…. You’re a really nice person. Being in this situation but being able to show such a huge amount of empathy for his wife shows me what type of woman you are.

Your son will grow into a great man if raised in your footsteps.

As to the rest, I think if there was no child then I’d let it go, but since there is then you don’t deserve the recriminations if it comes out later. Put the truth out, that letter someone posted earlier was a nice one, and then step back.

That way you can be open and honest with your son from the start. That’s the primary relationship to nurture.