By not telling my baby's dads gf he has cheated

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So, when I was pregnant my then partner left me, wanting nothing to do with me or the baby, no explanation just stay out of my life!
Fast forward 9 months I'm flicking through facebook, I see him in a woman's profile pics I click on it and to my horror, see he has a girlfriend and THREE young children, one is 4 weeks younger than my son.
I messaged him and asked what the hell id
Going on, at first he said they wasn't together when we was (LIE) then he said, well, I never said I wasn't with anyone, what the hell, trying to get off on a technicality.
So my question is, should I just leave the situation alone and get on with my life or should I let his girlfriend know? I'm so torn, do I really want to blow up a poor innocent woman's life and three children's also?

This is why I'm thinking is it actually worth it, the mum of his other children will likely not want to have to see my son and I can't blame her really, then I've wrecked their lives for what? Nothing! I just don't want to be be the bad person in my sons eyes when he's older, I feel like it's a no win situation

@PrueRamsay I don't think they'll be in the same sort of circles but obviously I cannot guarantee it

I think that’s a bit of a facetious and passive aggressive way of going about it, when OP already knows there’s a cross over in terms of pregnancy dates, etc.

This poor woman is going to read that message and her brain is going to do every single bit of gymnastics that it possibly can to reassure her that it’s all not as bad as it seems. And if she confronts this POS man with half a story, she’s being set up to be on the back foot and he’ll find a way to spin a line.

Just tell her the full truth as you know it, if you’re going to tell her OP.

I would tell her but not when he's only three weeks old.

@SlugGloves I think If I do let her know I'll be honest, like you say of I'm not she's then on the back foot and will no doubt find out I'm lying at some point and wont then trust anything I say

If you didn’t have his child then I’d agree you’d be blowing their lives up for nothing. However at some point she is going to find out as your child will want to know who their father is. I would tell her what you have said in that you don’t want to hurt her and definitely are not saying it so you can have her partner but in her shoes you would want to know. I think if you didn’t tell her and she finds out, then it looks like you knew you were taking part in an affair.

@Daisys24 this is true, she would never believe I didn't know and neither would I tbh and then she would instantly hate me and any relationship between the children wouldn't be happening I wouldn't of thought

It might stop your DS potentially shagging one if his half sisters though.
I've got this situation in my family and it's best to be honest. Children ask questions as they grow. You'll have to invent a lie and stick to it. If it comes out when they are teens, it isn't going to be good. My cousins not finding their half sibling because of the time span has changed how they thought of their parents. They knew that their Dad was a bit of a twat, but feel very let down by their mother, keeping the secret.

@Ponoka7 but it's the dad that doesn't want any contact. I haven't said he can't and I wouldn't stop him as I don't think that's right, how I feel about him is irrelevant

@Ponoka7 I want him to have a relationship with his dad and if it was possible his half sisters. Imagine having 3 half sisters and never knowing them, how sad is that

You wouldn't be turning anyone's life upside down - that's on him.

I'm another one who thinks you should tell her. The lying, cheating POS needs to face the consequences of his behaviour!

@Runnerinthenight I just don't want anyone getting hurt and feeling like it's because of me, all I want to do is the right thing by my child, I'm struggling to work out what that is though

Children could meet when older and possibly date. A remote chance but it does happen.

I would tell her that you were in a relationship with a man who dumped you out of the blue when you were expecting his child and have now discovered that you were an affair and would like your child and her children to be aware they are siblings and form a relationship.

You are saddened that this news is distressing for her and that you mean her no harm and only wish for the children to know each other especially as they are so close in ages.

OP her life is already ruined. She is with a man who cheated on her and got another woman pregnant. He probably is still cheating with someone else. By telling her, you are not ruining her life. You are giving her very important information about the life she is already living.

Her life is ruined right now, she just doesn't know it. Do her the kindness of opening her eyes. It's not fair otherwise.

Although I agree wait until baby is a tiny bit older.

Whole thing sounds like a shit show with only kids in the middle who are probably going to get hurt along the way.

Id say focus on your own child and not bring any unnecessary drama into their life.

you might aswell tell her now as soon as a maintenane claim comes through she'll find out anyway

Everyone would want to know.
She deserves to know.
He's done this. Not you.
I'd send the letter.
Tell her you don't expect a reply.
But if she wants to speak she can call you. When she's ready.

So sorry op x

@whynotwhatknot I think he'll hide that from her easily tbh

@MadameMassiveSalad does anyone have anything to gain through her knowing though

The likelihood that he will cheat on her again, or has already done it before, if high. Safe her more years of misery living in the dark, and tell her!
just do it briefly and can’t and make it clear you’ve got no skin in the game as not expecting anything from the ex or her, but thought she should have the chance to know the truth.
She’s living a lie, so you’re not running her life, but giving her the chance to see the truth.
needless to say, blame is all on him.

Leave well alone, the messenger always gets shot.

Yes. Your son can gain the chance to know that side of his family, and the dignity of not being kept a secret.

I wouldn’t for selfish reasons, sort cms before you do anything.

Sorry for typos, save, calm and *ruining!

@Saramiah I don't think they will want anything to do with my son