Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Favour for a friend

155 replies

MyOhSaid · 30/06/2024 18:22

I have a friend, not super close but we share a hobby, see each other once a month on average.

She asked me recently if I could look after her dog for a couple of nights; she'd messed up some dates for boarding him and would have to cancel plans if I couldn't look after him. I said yes (her dog is easy to care for).

This was a couple of weeks ago - it was fine, dog was very happy, but I admit I am a bit surprised that she didn't offer anything like a bottle of wine, or chocs, or even a card to say thank you.

My DH thinks I'm unreasonable as you shouldn't expect anything from friends, that you do favours and that's that. It's not that I expected it, but in her place I would 100% have bought something to say thank you.

I feel a little differently about her now - just a bit used, but hopefully I'm being daft so please tell me if I am!

OP posts:
Bloom15 · 04/07/2024 08:39

I wouldn't be helping out again - she barely thanked you and you're not even a good friend. Inquisitive only help out a really good friend for 2 weeks. That is far too long

Awrite · 04/07/2024 08:43

I'm with your husband. I wouldn't think to get offended by this. I regularly feed a friend's cat. She can count on me. I wouldn't dream of feeling used, she's my friend. I don't do it for presents.

freshbluesnow · 04/07/2024 08:50

Awrite · 04/07/2024 08:43

I'm with your husband. I wouldn't think to get offended by this. I regularly feed a friend's cat. She can count on me. I wouldn't dream of feeling used, she's my friend. I don't do it for presents.

You missed the bit where the only thanks the OP got was, "Cheers for that."

LittleCarrot12 · 04/07/2024 08:53

I would have given something. That’s rude

BonneMaman77 · 04/07/2024 09:12

It seems the dog sitting has added a new lens on your friendship. The thoughts you have are hear now and no matter what you decide you can’t un-think it and it will stay in your head and gnaw at you at some level.

You can either choose to test this friendship by taking the dog again, 2 days or 2 weeks doesn’t matter. If she doesn’t show gratitude in the way you want then what? If she pays your cost and dog walking cost but nothing else as a thanks then what?

You are also testing yourself given the past experience you describe. This may be a leap of faith for you personally to say yes only when you absolutely want to do that specific thing for someone. But not be a pleaser.

Or you can choose to keep the friendship as it is and not take the dog again.

I personally wouldn’t take the dog again. I have a little bit too much going on in my life now to take more on in my head

PeachBlossom1234 · 04/07/2024 09:55

I’m currently on holiday and my house sitter decided to bugger off and leave my 3 dogs alone on day 3 of a 2 week holiday so I have had to rally the troops and no joke the people who have helped me out have been amazing. I have sent flowers to 3 people and I’m going to take the other one for dinner when I’m home at the weekend. I am eternally grateful for them stepping in - my dogs are so precious!

So no, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a thank you, even just a box of fudge from the services/airport!

PopandFizz · 04/07/2024 10:00

I think many people would get you a bottle of wine or whatever but it's not outrageous not to - maybe shes planning on buying you a drink/coffee/lunch or whatever when you next meet up.

I think it's unreasonable of you to be annoyed that she didn't because, your DH is right, you don't do it for those reasons you do it to help your friend out. I used to dogsit for a friend whilst she went away on holiday, I had to stay at her house because she had safety stuff in place for the dog and I had to catch an hour train into work. She stocked the fridge and left me £20 for takeaway 1 night but didn't pay me the train fare back. She brought me a lovely mug from her holiday (new york!). That was fine I wasn't annoyed just happy to help out a friend.

Sad world when people get annoyed because they EXPECT a thank you gift. I assume that they actually said thank you on pick up and in the lead up when you agreed to it.

RandalsAunty · 04/07/2024 10:08

Some people just think differently. Maybe for her it was not a big deal and she would have done the same if someone asked her and didn’t expect anything in return? Or the other way round, did she ever done something for you so you owed her? I know a person who “keeps a tab” and if they do something for me - give me a lift for example then I know they will remember and I would be expected to drive next time.
The way it works with closes friends is that they are there for you when you need them and don’t expect anything back. They also know you are they for them. You don’t reciprocate every single favour (or buy a thank you gift!) and overall over time it evens out.

rookiemere · 04/07/2024 10:36

It's not really about the gift. Profuse thanks would have been almost as good.
In that situation I would have been falling over myself to express my gratitude, even if you love dogs she must realise it's a big ask.

Rubyupbeat · 04/07/2024 10:41

I personally would always give a thank you gift, but I never expect one for myself. A favour is just that, not a paid deed.

SheepyDuck · 04/07/2024 10:44

If she’s disorganised to mixup boarding dates, she is probably too disorganised to buy something. I’m not excusing it but it sounds like me🤷‍♀️🤣

LT1982 · 04/07/2024 10:48

Have you seen her since the dog minding? I'd be more likely to treat a friend to a meal out or drinks the next time we met up than to buy a card and this is what friends I house sit/pet mind have done for me too, do maybe she is planning that?

No1toldmeaboutit · 04/07/2024 11:28

I would give something to say thanks but I don’t think you can judge people by your own standards, some people just don’t think like that.

it would have been a nice gesture yes but it’s not the end of the world.

Katbum · 04/07/2024 11:28

If my friends care for my dog, yes I buy them a gift - more usually now I offer money as the dog is not easy to care for and needs medication and special walks.

Katbum · 04/07/2024 11:29

RandalsAunty · 04/07/2024 10:08

Some people just think differently. Maybe for her it was not a big deal and she would have done the same if someone asked her and didn’t expect anything in return? Or the other way round, did she ever done something for you so you owed her? I know a person who “keeps a tab” and if they do something for me - give me a lift for example then I know they will remember and I would be expected to drive next time.
The way it works with closes friends is that they are there for you when you need them and don’t expect anything back. They also know you are they for them. You don’t reciprocate every single favour (or buy a thank you gift!) and overall over time it evens out.

I also agree with this. Keeping tabs and expecting that everything nice you do must be repaid with a reward is exhausting behaviour.

Birdingbear · 04/07/2024 11:49

Real friends don't expect this. If I did this for every friend that did me a favour I'd have no money.

Loafbeginsat60 · 04/07/2024 12:01

Birdingbear · 04/07/2024 11:49

Real friends don't expect this. If I did this for every friend that did me a favour I'd have no money.

There are favours and favours tho. A lift to the station is so different to looking after a dog!

Ddog is staying with granny this week while we are on holiday. He's having flowers delivered to her on the last day to say thanks.

You have to show appreciation for people who help you.

rookiemere · 04/07/2024 12:06

Birdingbear · 04/07/2024 11:49

Real friends don't expect this. If I did this for every friend that did me a favour I'd have no money.

But in this scenario you would still have a lot more money than if you had to pay for dog boarding. Kennels are cheaper but a paid sitter costs from £25-35 per night here.

Emsbutterfly · 04/07/2024 12:14

I agree with you..I would always get a little thing as a thank you.

Seelybee · 04/07/2024 12:15

And there's your massive red flag. You've helped her out for 2 nights and provided totally cost and hassle free dog care for her. Now let's ramp it up to 2 weeks (can't make same excuse about muddled boarding arrangements this time)and save hundreds of pounds in the process because she's tapped into your people pleasing nature. For me that's a firm 'sorry no, that won't work with our other plans'. Doesn't sound like much of a loss if she takes umbrage.

Luxell934 · 04/07/2024 12:15

Was she verbally thankful though?

Emma8888 · 04/07/2024 12:37

If it was an acquaintance (neighbour I'm not close to etc.) then yes, I'd buy a token gift and say thank you verbally. However if it's a good friend, we wouldn't - it would be really odd actually to be given a random airport thank you 'thing' for helping a friend - we just help each other when needed, no expectations of payment / tokens. We do say thanks to each other but it's all pretty casual.

Birdingbear · 04/07/2024 12:42

rookiemere · 04/07/2024 12:06

But in this scenario you would still have a lot more money than if you had to pay for dog boarding. Kennels are cheaper but a paid sitter costs from £25-35 per night here.

Show quote history

I'm just glad I don't have friends like this. I do my friends favours and they do me favours. When you start expecting things like that it turns every situation stressful by over thinking it. But then....I see my friends like family.

freshbluesnow · 04/07/2024 12:58

MyOhSaid · 30/06/2024 22:50

She said "cheers for that" when she picked him up.

When I agreed to have him last minute she said "great" (just read the text back in case I'd missed a thanks there).

Show quote history

Apparently many are unable to read the OP's posts...

Here was her thank you.

rookiemere · 04/07/2024 13:05

"cheers for that" and "great" are hardly big notes of thanks. I'm one of the least effusive people I know, but even I make a special effort for those who have given us pet care, it's not hard to send a follow up text, or even when asking for the two weeks "Thank you so much for helping out at short notice, I think Fido was pining for you after he left. We wanted to go away X-X do you think you might be able to look after Fido again? It would be so reassuring to know he was happy. "