AIBU to feel a bit cross that DS’s 13 year old friend knocked and came into my bedroom while I was in bed

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

DS(13) had some friends stay over last night. DS always knocks on my bedroom door these days. Unless I am actually naked or getting dressed I say come in. I’d gone back to bed this morning. Cup of tea and a book. I get hot at night so nightie just a tiny slip. Yesterday’s clothes on the floor. Room a bit of a mess. DS had already knocked and come in 3 or 4 times asking trivial things. And that was fine.

A further knock on the door. I say come in. And it’s his friend coming into the room (DS was downstairs cooking bacon and didn’t know what his friend was doing). Friend is there standing over me in bed saying “quick question”. I replied. “I thought you were DS would you leave please”. He did (it turned out the question was do we have Nutella). He knew I was in the room. Knew it was my bedroom. He was seeking me out to ask about Nutella.

I feel embarrassed (probably as much about the state of the room as being in bed if I am
honest) and a bit cross about it. I am pretty laid back usually. This is the house my children’s friends choose to hang out at (DS is youngest of 3) specifically because it’s all fairly chilled here. I know I said come in. But it never occurred to me it would be one of the other boys.

In the interests of full disclosure DS’s friend is autistic. I am not speculating about that. I know it to be the case as his mother has talked about it. I acknowledge that recognising personal boundaries might be more challenging for him. So I also feel slightly guilty for feeling cross.

I have messaged DS and told him I don’t expect that to happen again. But I feel like I don’t want to go downstairs now until they have all gone. I am not going to say anything more about it to the boy or to my DS.

I am content to me told on here to get over myself. But I do feel my personal space was invaded. Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit cross about it? And to stay upstairs till they all go home?

You are not unreasonable to not want it to happen again but I think you are being unreasonable about not wanting to go downstairs and being embarrassed. You are the adult. The lad probably just felt comfortable in your home that he didn't see an issue with coming in to ask you a question and that is a nice thing. Your DS probably said, "Go and ask my mum if we've got any Nutella."

You're overreacting. The child didn't mean anything by it, and is too young to understand why you would care. He won't have even noticed the room or what you looked like, he was thinking about Nutella 😂
Not wanting to go downstairs is bananas. I don't want to be unkind but being this bothered seems extreme to me.

He doesn't know the nuances in your home. He knocked, you said come in. You asked him to leave, he did. You knew there were other people in the house so should have double checked who it was before responding that they could come into the room.

I would hate that. And the Nutella thing would really wind me up. It’s hard to judge whether the child should know better though (I think an NT 13 year old should). you should be very clear with your kid/s that your room is completely out of bounds while they have friends over unless it’s an emergency.

But your personal space wasn't invaded, you invited him in and then asked him to leave which he did.

If he was there to say DS has badly burnt his hand cooking would you be saying the same.

And why on earth would you stay upstairs till they are gone. You were reading in bed, not wildly masturbating in the mirror.....

All you have to do is tell the boy not to do it again please, and he won't. No need to go into it any deeper.

He knocked.

You said 'come in'.

He came in to ask a question, as he had seen your DS do 3 or 4 times that morning.

I assume you're cross with yourself? I don't think you should be cross with yourself, but maybe put your clothes away and get dressed if you've got a house full of other people's teenage boys? Or don't say 'come in' when someone knocks without knowing who it is. You made a mistake, don't dwell on it and don't feel embarrassed to go downstairs.

DS definitely didn’t say go and ask mum. But I agree the lad just feels comfortable here. Which I am glad about. The bit about not going downstairs was slightly tongue in cheek. But I definitely do feel embarrassed. And a bit cross with myself as well as with him for feeling like that. You are right I need to get over it. Thank you.

as a mother of a grown up son and a teenager I would be pleased that my son's friends feel comfortable and happy at my house, this will serve your son well in the future, it doesn't sound as tho anything disrespectful happened 🙂

Just dress appropriately when there are children in the house?

I have to lie in bed a lot, if I am appropriately dressed I don't see an issue if a child's friends comes in the room.

I find it hard to believe anyone would dress in a "tiny slip" if they had guests in the house.

I'm struggling to see why you're so horrified? He knocked, you said come in, he asked his question, you asked him to leave and he left.
End of non story,

Friend is there standing over me in bed saying ...

Why couldn't he have just opened the door and asked from the doorway?

He's a kid, came into your room to ask a specific question and furthermore, is autistic. Being a kid (and especially a boy), he won't have noticed any mess in your room whatsoever. Yes I imagine it was irritating but to tell him to leave, stay in your room until they went and message your son saying 'I don't expect it to happen again' just seems waaaay too much. I can't imagine being so bothered about something like this.

He’s autistic so he’s following the rules which are knock and wait to see if you are invited in.
Sorry but I think you are being very unreasonable.
However don’t worry about the state of you room, can’t imagine any 13 year old would ever notice.

I don't really get the issue? You told him to come in. He's viewing you as the supervising adult. So put some clothes on and supervise. Or, tell ds not to have friends in the house until you're dressed.

YANBU to feel how you do. As a parent of two (possibly three) autistic children, I’d recommend ensuring clear rules of the house for any future visits from him, because he is unlikely to understand implied or expected rules otherwise.

Sorry I’m a bit confused. He knocked and you said come in and now you’re annoyed because he came into your room even though he asked permission and you granted it.?

YABU. I could understand being cross if he’d just barged in. But he knocked, you invited him in and when you asked him to leave he did. It sounds like he was perfectly polite to me. I can understand being a bit embarrassed but that’s your issue in my opinion. He didn’t do anything wrong.

I agree with you all that I am over thinking. I don’t agree that I needed to be up and dressed given that the children are teenagers not little children. But I agree with everything else and shall get over myself. Thanks all

I can understand why you were uncomfortable, but his age plus diagnosis meant he would have been thinking of nutella, not your state of dress. It sounds a lot like my neighbour's child who can be similarly a bit single-track and unboundaried, but it's in all innocence, he's actually very young for his age.

You're upset because he knocked in the door when you weren't dressed. The solution to this would be to be dressed.

Sorry it's quoted the wrong person.

I would put it down to his ND. I would've thought the default would be to either ask your son, look for the Nutella, or then knock the door and say the question through the closed door? No need to enter the room for something like that.
But you've said noone is to come and knock except your son, it won't happen again. I'm sure it wasn't meant in a rude way. I wouldn't let even my own ones come into my room, unless it was for a bedtime cuddle!

I would put it down to his ND

Put what down to his Nd?

I think you dealt with it well, particularly if your tone wasn't aggressive.

I think YABU. Your DS can make sure his friends now your room is out of bounds.

My 13 year old seeing someone else knocking and coming to speak a few times would do the same, even though it is inappropriate.

This!! He’s done nothing wrong, he’s knocked on your door and you said come in. He’s 13, guaranteed he’s not interested in seeing you in a slip.