AIBU to feel a bit cross that DS’s 13 year old friend knocked and came into my bedroom while I was in bed

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

DS(13) had some friends stay over last night. DS always knocks on my bedroom door these days. Unless I am actually naked or getting dressed I say come in. I’d gone back to bed this morning. Cup of tea and a book. I get hot at night so nightie just a tiny slip. Yesterday’s clothes on the floor. Room a bit of a mess. DS had already knocked and come in 3 or 4 times asking trivial things. And that was fine.

A further knock on the door. I say come in. And it’s his friend coming into the room (DS was downstairs cooking bacon and didn’t know what his friend was doing). Friend is there standing over me in bed saying “quick question”. I replied. “I thought you were DS would you leave please”. He did (it turned out the question was do we have Nutella). He knew I was in the room. Knew it was my bedroom. He was seeking me out to ask about Nutella.

I feel embarrassed (probably as much about the state of the room as being in bed if I am
honest) and a bit cross about it. I am pretty laid back usually. This is the house my children’s friends choose to hang out at (DS is youngest of 3) specifically because it’s all fairly chilled here. I know I said come in. But it never occurred to me it would be one of the other boys.

In the interests of full disclosure DS’s friend is autistic. I am not speculating about that. I know it to be the case as his mother has talked about it. I acknowledge that recognising personal boundaries might be more challenging for him. So I also feel slightly guilty for feeling cross.

I have messaged DS and told him I don’t expect that to happen again. But I feel like I don’t want to go downstairs now until they have all gone. I am not going to say anything more about it to the boy or to my DS.

I am content to me told on here to get over myself. But I do feel my personal space was invaded. Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit cross about it? And to stay upstairs till they all go home?

He's 13, get a grip!

Kid was being brave to come and talk to you. Over reaction. Poor kid. He knocked, not just barged in.

What would I think if I was told my kid was staying for a sleepover and the mum was lounging in bed in a nightie, and then complaining on social media that my kid dared knocking at her door to ask her a question...

This is the house my children’s friends choose to hang out at (DS is youngest of 3) specifically because it’s all fairly chilled here. not sure I agree on the definition of "chilled"

I think you're overreacting. Especially as he's ND. If my kids have had friends over, I've always dressed appropriately so that nobody feels uncomfortable. He knocked and you told him to come in. I realise you didn't know it was the friend but I think asking him to leave in the way you did was unnecessary. The poor kid is probably mortified.

It's no big deal but you feel what you feel

This is utterly bonkers. He didn't barge in, he knocked. You said to come in. Crazy thread!

Did you read the OP? He knocked and she said come in. He had a boundary and had common courtesy.

And he feels comfortable in your home which is a positive reflection on you !

He's a kid. They don't have a full understanding of what is innappropriate/apppropriate. (This is also why they are vulnerable to being exploited by adults). I think you did the right thing by saying you thought he was your son, could you leave. Its actually better to set boundaries like that because it keeps children safe too. But I don't think he was wrong to not realise.

You're being so dramatic.

I’m sorry but that is rubbish , you knock on a door and someone says come in then you go in you don’t shout through the door . Why would going into a friends mums bedroom be intimate

But thirteen's a really difficult age for boys because they are still very much children in lots of ways. But just starting to enter teenage hood and be perceived as "teenage boys" rather than "child." They need discipline and boundaries, but they aren't bad in the main.

I think it's a good rule to always wear something that you are happy for the people currently in your house to see you in. What if there's suddenly an almighty crash and shout from the kitchen? Are you sprinting out there in your "tiny slip" to see what's happened, or are you getting dressed first?

It's the 'please leave' that has got me here too. The poor lad. It's a good job he is a bit ND and wont notice or he'd probably be terrified to ever come round to see your DS again.

Onelifeonly · Today 12:54
It could be because a 13 yo more aware of the unwritten social rules would realise that walking in on someone else's mum in their bedroom is too intimate. A NT teen might have said, "it's x here, just wondered if you have any Nutella”

Intimate? It’s a child asking for chocolate spread. If OP didn’t want to feel exposed maybe she ought to have put some more clothes on.

He knocked, you said come in, so he came in. What’s to be annoyed about he’s a child. Although I’d say maybe wear something more than a tiny slip when you have your sons friends staying for the night.

I should think DS’s friend has learnt his lesson as you were blunt with him. I reckon he probably thought “I’ve seen DS knock and go in to ask a question, that’s what I do with my mum, so that’s what I’ll do” and then was confused when you told him to get out. I would probably have gone down and told them all “Hey guys, only DS is allowed in my bedroom” so as not to single the friend out and help him understand what he did wrong. Sounds like you got DS to do that for you.

If you feel uncomfortable in a nightie around teen boys then really you should’ve put clothes on - what if one of them had shouted for help/an emergency/whatever and you didn’t have time to get dressed?

You think that's bad, my now son in law, in his excitement, knocked and came into my bedroom while I was wrapped in a towel having just came out of the shower. He wanted my permission to ask DD to marry him! I'm pretty sure he didn't even 'see' what I was wearing lol The wedding was lush!

I think the autism changes everything.

It would annoy me, but if the boy was autistic I'd understand why he didn't realise ahead of time that it was inappropriate.

Tell your DS that he needs to tell his friend that that is a boundary not to be crossed and don't think anymore about it.

Why are you laying around in bed when you have a teen in your house that’s not yours? Get up and then they can ask you where the Nutella is.

think your trying to imply something here that’s not here tbh.

And yet you continue to add to the 'drama' when op has posted herself that she's over it

Op sorry but if you have someone's child staying over assume they could come in and be ready for this. This is not the child's fault. And your post is really ott about him seeking you out for Nutella. When we had sleep overs I always made sure I was up and dressed before the kids and dressed correctly in the night in case there was an issue. You just don't know. This is a you problem not the child.
P.s he also knocked!!!! Next time ask who is it before you say come in.

Why were you leaving a bunch of 13 year olds to make breakfast? I mean I’m not saying you should have made breakfast, but I can’t imagine being in a state of undress when I had a bunch of 13 year olds at home.
it sounds like he was polite and was asking a reasonable question. But also see how it would be awkward all round.

Don't say "come in" in response to a knock if you don't want people to come in! If you have different rules for different people in the house then you need to ask "who is it?" before directing them to come in or not.

You are 100% in the wrong here and your DS's friend did nothing wrong. Please apologise to him.

I would assume its because 13 year olds are more than capable of making their own breakfast 🙄
I would have told ds to stop pestering me tbh. Friend did exactly what he had seen your ds do 3 or 4 times.