AIBU to feel a bit cross that DS’s 13 year old friend knocked and came into my bedroom while I was in bed

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

DS(13) had some friends stay over last night. DS always knocks on my bedroom door these days. Unless I am actually naked or getting dressed I say come in. I’d gone back to bed this morning. Cup of tea and a book. I get hot at night so nightie just a tiny slip. Yesterday’s clothes on the floor. Room a bit of a mess. DS had already knocked and come in 3 or 4 times asking trivial things. And that was fine.

A further knock on the door. I say come in. And it’s his friend coming into the room (DS was downstairs cooking bacon and didn’t know what his friend was doing). Friend is there standing over me in bed saying “quick question”. I replied. “I thought you were DS would you leave please”. He did (it turned out the question was do we have Nutella). He knew I was in the room. Knew it was my bedroom. He was seeking me out to ask about Nutella.

I feel embarrassed (probably as much about the state of the room as being in bed if I am
honest) and a bit cross about it. I am pretty laid back usually. This is the house my children’s friends choose to hang out at (DS is youngest of 3) specifically because it’s all fairly chilled here. I know I said come in. But it never occurred to me it would be one of the other boys.

In the interests of full disclosure DS’s friend is autistic. I am not speculating about that. I know it to be the case as his mother has talked about it. I acknowledge that recognising personal boundaries might be more challenging for him. So I also feel slightly guilty for feeling cross.

I have messaged DS and told him I don’t expect that to happen again. But I feel like I don’t want to go downstairs now until they have all gone. I am not going to say anything more about it to the boy or to my DS.

I am content to me told on here to get over myself. But I do feel my personal space was invaded. Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit cross about it? And to stay upstairs till they all go home?

Wow you sound like hard work. Get a grip.

I feel sorry for the boy - you telling him to leave. I'd have just answered his question.

@ImplacableDiscernment I definitely was not aggressive. I see that the boy witnessing DS knock and be welcomed in would have lead him to think it was ok for him to do it too.

I agree that this is not something to be cross about. Not with myself and certainly not with him. Thanks again. I’ll go and get on with the day now. And yes I shall definitely be going downstairs!

I see that the boy witnessing DS knock and be welcomed in would have lead him to think it was ok for him to do it too

Even without seeing your ds do that, knocking on the door of someone you want to speak to is just standard behaviour.

Ffs you said come in and so he did, then you told him to leave which he did. And now YOURE cross at him, and told your son it’s not to happen again?! How is this anyone’s else’s fault but yours?! Next time - no one comes in.

Entire over reaction.
Firstly he knocked, you weren’t naked and he asked a question.
secondly you KNOW he has autism and thirdly really if you have children in your home you either get up and be around whilst they breakfast or accept, that they are comfortable enough in your home to be able to speak to you.

For what it’s worth I’m a mum of 3 sons and have had lots of sleepovers here and also been serenaded by my sons and their friends both drunkenly and when celebrating my birthday !!

He’s both too young to care/ fully realise the intrusion ( he knocked and was told come in), and also probably less attuned to intuiting how a much older person of the opposite sex might feel about it because if the autism. He was thinking about Nutella. He knocked. In his mind that’s all that was needed to achieve the goal of finding out about the Nutella.

I might not go downstairs but mostly because you’ve probably unsettled the lad and seeing you might deepen his awkwardness. But if you want or need to go down, go.

You're upset because he knocked in the door when you weren't dressed. The solution to this would be to be dressed.

This

@SallyWD he didn’t ask the question. I asked him to leave before he did. I was reading, not looking at the doorway. Thought it was DS. Looked up as he said “just one question”. He was standing right by the bed as it’s near the door. I felt embarrassed and really taken aback so just asked him to leave. I would have sounded more timid than aggressive.

@JasmineTea11 I am not usually hard work at all. But accept I was on this occasion.

I’m autistic. If I had done this and was told off like this when I was 13 at a friends I would probably never go back. You probably don’t think it was ‘telling off’ but that’s how I would have taken it and then I would have thought about it over and over for days and days and assumed you hated me now because I had fucked up yet again but wouldn’t have really understood what I had done wrong.

Poor boy , he’s knocked and then you’ve been quite rude if you said please leave in the same tone that you’ve written it here . Also this is not about being autistic , he’s a guest in your home , has politely knocked and waited for a reply .

Fwiw I loathe sleepovers because I accept I have to be up, decent and on hand from the time the first guest arises. Until you are hosting adults and can excuse yourself from this the night before, that’s part of the deal.

He should have got your son to come up and ask .

I am downstairs now. It’s all fine. No awkwardness. I’m over all. Friend is fine. Oblivious I think to any upset on my part at all. Thanks all for the head wobble. I’ll bow out now.

I would feel the same as you OP.

Just as he may be ND and think differently about coming up, we all react differently to this sort of thing and I would feel intruded upon.

Yes exactly. I really can’t see what the boy did wrong unless you think that none of your DS’ friends should ever try and find an adult to ask questions too? Even if they are as silly as asking whether you have nutella or not

Why are you wearing a slip nightie when you have teen boys around that are not yours? Wear appropriate clothing.

The kid did nothing wrong.

Honestly, my issue wouldn’t be that he knocked and came in. These kids are old enough to be making bacon in the kitchen, then they’re old enough to use their own damn eyeballs to work out if there’s Nutella. It’s not likely to be in your bedroom is it? (Well, not for G-rated reasons.) Why should you be going downstairs to look for it? Is it in the fridge or the pantry? No? Work it out then…. No Nutella.

You’re projecting your anger. The kid did nothing wrong.

Bedrooms are not automatically off limits. For example, if you had an adult house guest, they had a question and couldn’t find you, they knocked on your bedroom door (in the day time) and you said “come in”, what would you expect them to do?

You are embarrassed and angry with yourself because you know you should have got dressed before that.

Op has responded very reasonably. However as this is AIBU this won't stop many more replies.....

Since he did knock, and you did say come in, I don’t really think you can object.

I do remember, however, being pretty cross when long ago (well before mobiles) I found a friend of a dd sitting cross-legged on my bed, using the phone on my bedside table. She hadn’t asked, and there was a phone downstairs.

I told dd that in future, my bedroom was strictly out of bounds to friends. Dd thought I was being OTT, but tough.

I doubt he noticed your attire nor the mess in the room. He just wanted to know about the nutella and that's all that would be on his mind. Next time your child has friends over ask who it is when you hear a knock on the door. At 13 it's a sign of his autism that he didn't see it as inappropriate to open the door, rather than speak through it.

I don't think you have to be up and dressed but get some appropriate pyjamas - shorts and a t shirt style or similar for these occasions.

Yeah, get over yourself. He won't care about your room etc.

Have you had the conversation with your DS that your bedroom is out of bounds to friends?
When mine started having friends over, I made it very clear that our room and the en suite were out of bounds. They've all respected it.

If you haven't done that, it's on you.

Glad it's all panned out ok but the fact that your son came in several times asking for trivial things, followed by his friend, would suggest that you do need to be up supervising. Not hands on maybe but available downstairs and dressed, in another part of the house.