AIBU to feel a bit cross that DS’s 13 year old friend knocked and came into my bedroom while I was in bed

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

DS(13) had some friends stay over last night. DS always knocks on my bedroom door these days. Unless I am actually naked or getting dressed I say come in. I’d gone back to bed this morning. Cup of tea and a book. I get hot at night so nightie just a tiny slip. Yesterday’s clothes on the floor. Room a bit of a mess. DS had already knocked and come in 3 or 4 times asking trivial things. And that was fine.

A further knock on the door. I say come in. And it’s his friend coming into the room (DS was downstairs cooking bacon and didn’t know what his friend was doing). Friend is there standing over me in bed saying “quick question”. I replied. “I thought you were DS would you leave please”. He did (it turned out the question was do we have Nutella). He knew I was in the room. Knew it was my bedroom. He was seeking me out to ask about Nutella.

I feel embarrassed (probably as much about the state of the room as being in bed if I am
honest) and a bit cross about it. I am pretty laid back usually. This is the house my children’s friends choose to hang out at (DS is youngest of 3) specifically because it’s all fairly chilled here. I know I said come in. But it never occurred to me it would be one of the other boys.

In the interests of full disclosure DS’s friend is autistic. I am not speculating about that. I know it to be the case as his mother has talked about it. I acknowledge that recognising personal boundaries might be more challenging for him. So I also feel slightly guilty for feeling cross.

I have messaged DS and told him I don’t expect that to happen again. But I feel like I don’t want to go downstairs now until they have all gone. I am not going to say anything more about it to the boy or to my DS.

I am content to me told on here to get over myself. But I do feel my personal space was invaded. Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit cross about it? And to stay upstairs till they all go home?

He knocked and she said come in , that is nothing to do with being autistic .

Then your response was perfect.

Glad you are going downstairs. 💐

When hosting a sleepover you always make sure that you’re dressed appropriately for other people’s DC to see you in the middle of the night for emergencies/trivial things. Surely this is common sense OP? Such an overreaction

I don't think he did anything wrong. He knocked on your door, you told him to come in and he asked a question. I can understand you being embarrassed your room was a mess but I doubt he noticed.

I always tell my DC's friends to come and find me if they need me, even in the middle of the night.

However, if it makes you uncomfortable then make sure the friends know your bedroom is out of bounds and to get DS to be the middle man in that situation.

Definitely this.

I still overthink a certain comment thirty odd years ago. I had followed the "rules" and felt confused and upset how I'd got it wrong.

He seems like a very well mannered boy.

I assume your son sent him up to ask? Better setting boundaries with him that he can relay to his friends.

Your ds had knocked and entered several times so he thought it was ok. Just take it in your stride. Perhaps tell them all not to come into your room when you are in bed. DS’s friends feel welcome in your home - that is a testament to your kindness. Don’t spoil it. The young need someone on their side.

Just give the poor kid clear instructions about why you didn’t like what he did and what he should do next time. Don’t make a big deal about it, but do make it all explicit for him. Being shit at interpreting social cues is frequent behavior among Austistic people.
So, tell him you thought it was DS not him knocking at your door, so you said come in when you weren’t really dressed how you would be to talk to his friends so you felt uncomfortable. Next time, if he needs to ask a question and your bedroom door is shut, you’d like him to knock AND say who it is knocking. That way you can either answer the question without him coming in or you can sort your clothes so you’re happy to be seen by a friend of your DSs.

Kudos for taking it in the chin and coming back to post this.

He knocked. You said come in
He came in.
Unless you had your tits and fanny out for all to see, I would forget about it

I'd probably be with you if it was like, 6am or something, but I think he had a reasonable expectation that as everyone was up and about, you'd be available. A 13 year old should be able to expect they can ask an adult in the house a question if they need to.

And I'm not judging you for being in bed, I'm still sat in bed too.

I think you're being unreasonable.

I think when there are children other than your own in the house you adjust your norms to consider this.

Usually I sleep naked, but when girlfriends/school friends are over, I put pjs on - just to minimise the risk of embarrassment for everyone involved if anyone did come in in the night (for an emergency or similar)

You knew they were there - so it was altogether possible they might come knocking. Next time ask 'who is it?' before you say 'come in'

Why put it down to being ND? It’s quite normal to knock on a door, if you’re told to come in then open the door. He’s obviously seen OP DS do this so following the same process. The mistake if anything was OP assuming it was her DS and saying come in. Nothing to do with being ND.

You haven’t done anything wrong OP, I would feel the same in your position and you’ve been very open and honest about it all.

Also age 13, end of Year 8? I would say that is over the age when you would want a male visitor in your bedroom. He will very possibly be starting to think about females, but it’s also possible the Nutella will distract him from the image of you in your slip!

But I agree that he didn’t mean anything by it and that you should just go downstairs and act normally.

Same here, I can't see the issue.

You say they like to hang out at yours as its ‘chilled’, but you sound far from chilled. I might be a bit annoyed with myself that I didn’t ask who it was, but not something I’d take my son to task over.

I wouldn’t be sat reading in bed wearing a slip if I had a houseful of teenage guests but I’m not a very laid back person.

I’d be up, dressed and getting on with my day, they could cook bacon in the kitchen but I’d be nearby to answer any Nutella related queries (and watch out for kitchen fires).

I have a 13 year old DS and wouldn't be impressed if he came home to tell me his friend's mum let him into her bedroom (when he'd politely knocked first to ensure it was appropriate) and she was lying on the bed in a 'tiny slip'. Get over yourself, you are in the wrong here and not him. And autism has nothing to do with it.

Maybe he knocked expecting you to say "Yes?" so he could ask through the door, but you said "Come in" so he did

It could be because a 13 yo more aware of the unwritten social rules would realise that walking in on someone else's mum in their bedroom is too intimate. A NT teen might have said, "it's x here, just wondered if you have any Nutella."

There are guests in the house. Even if they're not your guests but your son's, get up and dressed as soon as you realise other people are awake. It's only polite. If you don't want to be 'properly dressed' you could always just chuck on a t-shirt and leggings so you look dressed.

The boy knocked and waited for an answer. Presumably you were wearing decent pyjamas? Personally I don't see any issue here.

Totally reasonable to feel narked, but why hesitant about going down?

DS's friend obviously comfortable in your home but I doubt that he'd have noticed if you were swinging from the lights. He's male and 13. Totally self absorbed.

The autism is irrelevant IMHO. He needs to know where the boundaries are and to respect them. It's called common courtesy. DS will probably tell him but it wouldn't hurt to tell him yourself. Also to know and WAIT for permission to come in. Again, manners.

Sorry, but all this drama and all this time posting from OP for a non event.

The last thing I would say to our kids’ friends when they stayed over was “you know where I am if you need anything”. Then I’d put on pyjamas (which I don’t usually wear).

You’re over-reacting.

I wouldn't worry about this at all. When my DC were teens and had friends staying I always said if they had a problem they could get me up anytime. Only happened a couple of times, but both involved friends who had had accidents and they needed my help and reassurance. One fell into the stream outside our back door and the other had tripped and banged his head. Much better they have the confidence to speak to you. Just let it go.