AIBU to feel a bit cross that DS’s 13 year old friend knocked and came into my bedroom while I was in bed

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

DS(13) had some friends stay over last night. DS always knocks on my bedroom door these days. Unless I am actually naked or getting dressed I say come in. I’d gone back to bed this morning. Cup of tea and a book. I get hot at night so nightie just a tiny slip. Yesterday’s clothes on the floor. Room a bit of a mess. DS had already knocked and come in 3 or 4 times asking trivial things. And that was fine.

A further knock on the door. I say come in. And it’s his friend coming into the room (DS was downstairs cooking bacon and didn’t know what his friend was doing). Friend is there standing over me in bed saying “quick question”. I replied. “I thought you were DS would you leave please”. He did (it turned out the question was do we have Nutella). He knew I was in the room. Knew it was my bedroom. He was seeking me out to ask about Nutella.

I feel embarrassed (probably as much about the state of the room as being in bed if I am
honest) and a bit cross about it. I am pretty laid back usually. This is the house my children’s friends choose to hang out at (DS is youngest of 3) specifically because it’s all fairly chilled here. I know I said come in. But it never occurred to me it would be one of the other boys.

In the interests of full disclosure DS’s friend is autistic. I am not speculating about that. I know it to be the case as his mother has talked about it. I acknowledge that recognising personal boundaries might be more challenging for him. So I also feel slightly guilty for feeling cross.

I have messaged DS and told him I don’t expect that to happen again. But I feel like I don’t want to go downstairs now until they have all gone. I am not going to say anything more about it to the boy or to my DS.

I am content to me told on here to get over myself. But I do feel my personal space was invaded. Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit cross about it? And to stay upstairs till they all go home?

You sound rude and a little bit strange. It’s not anyone else’s fault that your bedroom is a mess and that you feel embarrassed about it! It’s a bit of a non-event but you have decided to make it into one.

Why are you laying around in bed when you have a teen in your house that’s not yours?

Can you explain what you mean by this @Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink ?

Edited to re word, why would this be a problem?

He knocked. You said come in. You can't blame him.

Good on you OP. It's not often people get told they're being a bit unreasonable and they actually listen.

No doubt people will still be saying your unreasonable and hard work for hours if not days yet, because they don't read your update. 😂

This is completely your fault - he knocked, you said come in! You made a mistake in thinking it was your son, that's all. Really, get over it.

I’m glad you’ve realised that you are actually overreacting. Poor boy.

This! Also.. teenage boys tend to get up late.. wait time where you lounging in bed in your slip with other people’s children in your house..

@twodowntwotogo she has 'got over it'. Read her update.

You are being totally unreasonable and lazy tbh. The child knocked. If you are letting DS friends stay over why aren’t you getting up and dressed. I would be getting up and making them breakfast.

Totally agree. I want my children's friends to feel comfortable in my home and quite frankly could not care less if a 13 year old boy saw me in bed in a slightly messy room.

I would be very unhappy about that too...but ultimately he did knock first and you did say come in. I think the difference here is his autism and not knowing social norms.

Exactly !! 🤣

I think you are making this a much bigger issues then it is.

Your children still need back-up and your friend's child maybe isn't used to being as independent as yours. He is maybe used to having an adult to check stuff with more, either because parenting styles are different, or because his disability means he needs a bit more support. I can see why you were rather surprised he came into your bedroom, but he knocked and you said "come in" so I think you just chalk this one up to you misunderstanding who it was and him thinking it would be ok. Maybe actually get dressed had go down when this friend is here this time? I'm not saying that to imply you are lazy for not normally getting up with your son, but just think about what his friend maybe needs. My son 11 goes to the park with friends on his own, but he has one friend (who has a disability) and always says his parent's would go with him. Technically, if he is playing at ours, I could get him to go over without me (with the other boys), as parents have never asked me not to, but I don't, because I don't think this boy would be comfortable with that. I don't think you are ABIU, but you are an adult and capable of being rather more thoughtful about the thought patterns of a young (disabled) boy.

I wouldn't expect my son to keep coming in & out of my room if he had friends to be looking after tbh.

Keys & locks are a great invention!

The fact he likes Nutella.

NT's detest the stuff, especially since the formula has changed.

Even a tiny brass bolt is easily fixed to a door and frame.

Stops ''Barge ins''- but as least the boy knocked...and OP said ''Come in''.

I don't think the lad did anything wrong. He was staying over at his friend's house, where he is comfortable. 13 is still pretty young and he's ND. He had a question and wanted to ask an adult. He knocked.

At 15 or 16 then I can imagine it being more weird him coming into your room, but not so much for a ND 13 year old. (I have a 15 and 12 year old).

I doubt he noticed the "state" of the room or what you were wearing.

Maybe lay out ground rules with your DS for next time that you don't want his friends in your room and he is responsible for them.

There aren't any barge ins though. They knocked and waited. OP invited them in

You almost got all the prissy mumsnetisms in one comment. You just missed ‘give your head a wobble’

I find that incredibly over dramatic. He must have been quite hurt.

I feel sorry for the poor lad. He knocked and you said “come in”. How was he to know that you were expecting him to be your son? He’s a 13 year old child - he won’t care about the state of your bedroom. Fine for you to say “in future please don’t come in my bedroom” but also don’t say “come in” again next time you get a knock at the door.

I can't imagine wearing next to nothing in a house full of teenage boys. I always wear men's pj bottoms and a t-shirt, then would slip on a sports bra to go downstairs.

Unless you had expressly told this boy to never knock on your bedroom door or ask to speak to you while you were in that room then YABVU.
He is 13! He just wanted your input. Maybe if your son has friends sleeping over you get up when they do or you sleep in more than a tiny slip. I don’t think he was wrong to want to ask you a question or by seeking you out. You just happened to be in bed. If he was 16, then YANBU but he’s not.

You mention he has autism and about boundaries.

But he did right by knocking. You told him to come in. He didnt do anything wrong. And he left when you asked him to.

He did nothing wrong. He didnt come in uninvited.

Fair enough to tell the kids its not to happen again but you're being very odd in considering hiding away for the rest of the evening.