to ask people not to control their children

[FunnysInLaJardin]

I was very controlled as a child, loving background but food was tightly controlled.

As a result I have a binge eating disorder.

I see so much on here about parents wishing to control what food their child eats and what tech they have access to.

It all comes from a good place, but just be mindful that if you control your child's choices you may inadvertantly end up damaging them.

give your child a choice and enable them to make the right decisions, don't decide for them. Like my parents did

I'm sorry your reflections on your childhood are that you felt controlled. Can you elaborate a little on what exactly it was that you felt damaged you by limiting access to screens or food? I'm of the mind that some things absolutely should be decided by parents, but I think that debate and your own experience don't necessarily go together!

This advice doesn’t work for every child. “Bad for you” foods are designed to be very addictive. When you have a bit you want more and more. I expect there are children that would just eat and eat and eat. Parents should be there to moderate their children’s diet and make sure that doesn’t happen.

There's a middle ground though isn't there? If it was up to them entirely my children would eat chocolate and play Roblox until they puked and passed out.

I control what my child eats as I am their parent. I teach them about healthy choices; until they can make smart choices, I am in charge.

You have a mental illness, that’s awful for you, but it’s not reflective of most people.

What age are you talking about?

Of course a parent should be in control of the tech their child has access to.

Everyone makes decisions for their children though.

Do you have children? If so, do they decide everything for themselves? Where do you draw the line? What about children with SN that means they can't make safe choices?

I was given free rein as a child. I’m a well-adjusted, happy adult. Could have benefited from more guidance… But, I find myself bringing my child up the same way. It’s working out (so far!)

My upbringing was the opposite, no control, very little parental input, I have a binge eating disorder.
With adult dd I went for a more balanced approach, healthy food, treats in moderation. She had an eating disorder as a teen.
Sometimes I wonder if these things are more of a reflection of our neurobiology than being purely about upbringing. Iirc eating disorders have close links to autism.

I should have been more controlled though. My grandparents would encourage me to overeat sweets and my parents didn’t stop them. A child doesn’t know it’s not a good idea to eat more crunchie bars in a row. I have problems with finding my off switch even now.

There is a middle way and it’s up to parents to guide their children so that they can find it.

I'm quite relaxed when it comes to my 6 year olds eating however i do have to control how much sugar and chocolate he is allowed and sonetimes hide it. He has a very sweet tooth and once managed to get up before me and eat his way through 3 easter eggs and their accompanying chocolates (there are nany more incidences if sneakiness). I've also caught him trying to eat sugar out the bag and he frequently used to beg and scream for chocolate. We've got into a routine now where he knows he'll have his chocolate/pudding once he's eaten a good amount of his dinner and he doesn't beg or sneak food anymore. He also has free access to fruit/vegetables and some snack bars and crisps. We still have treats if we're out and about or if someone he visits gives him something but we have to be strict.

I'm sorry you have mental health difficulties over this though it must be truly difficult. Unfortunately though if I didn't control somethings my son eats he would end up quite poorly.

OH is a policeman. You need to control your child's access to tech or worse things than a binge eating disorder will befall them.

I think it depends on the age of the child. Young children won't necessarily make good choices about healthy food or screen time. All children need some boundaries, for example bedtime/teeth brushing etc. You can't give children choices about every little thing. The best way is to gradually increase their independence and autonomy as they get older so that they become self-sufficient adults. It doesn't sound like your parents did this.

give your child a choice and enable them to make the right decisions, don't decide for them.

Nah, I would've lived on chocolate and crisps if my parents were that lax.

Give them a choice between what anyway?

Two or three healthy foods for dinner? - YANBU

Choose whatever they want to binge on? - YABU

Why would you NOT control what tech your children have access to?

Are you suggesting we just hook them up to the internet and let them view whatever they want?

I'm sorry you suffer from BED, but please don't assume it's your parents' fault!

If they prevented you from overeating as a child, or refused to give you loads of treats, then that's normal and appropriate parenting. If they starved you then that's a different matter altogether.

You call it control, I just think it's different styles of parenting. My philosophy is everything in moderation.
My DC had limited access to tech and junk food when they were little. DC1 is at uni and happy to cook healthy meals. Won't eat burgers, sausages or chicken nuggets.
DC2 is a typical teenager, but he actually came with me today for dog walk & a chat. His reason he felt like he needed a break from playing Xbox.
Looks like I've done something right.

This.

You are pushing blame onto your parents, when it isn't justified.

Parents are responsible for making decisions for their children

There are many different levels of control, and many different ways that control can be served.

I was controlled as a child, but in a loving and kind way. My parents had my best interests in mind and I knew that growing up. I knew when they said I needed to save my birthday money it was because I was wanting to go on a school trip the following year.
I knew when they said we aren't buying treats on our outing today it was because we couldn't afford to do both the trip and buy extras.

My DH was also controlled by his parents. He wasn't allowed access to money but this lasted up into adulthood, all his wages had to be given to his mother. He wasn't allowed extra food but this was because his father resented feeding the children he didn't want to have. (He is now NC with his family)

We control our child, he has rules he needs to abide by. He goes to bed when we say, he showers a certain number of times, he brushes his teeth and hair, he eats mainly what we allow him too - he has some free will here.
But he's 11. If I gave him all the control he would never wash, change his clothes, only go to bed at 2am and only eat chocolate spread....so it's good to be controlled in a loving way, until we can learn the life lessons needed to do things ourselves.

Also, when you say 'don't decide for them' with regards to food

Many parents can't afford to be cooking 2,3,4 different dinners for their different children.

Someone has to make the choice, and that someone will invariably be the parent.

The thing is, certain foods and screens are addictive. I don't tightly control either with my kids but I do have certain limits for their own wellbeing. I agree with other posters that there is a middle ground.

But surely there has to be an element of control, it's called parenting. Most 7 year olds I know would eat chocolate ice cream and doughnuts for breakfast and live on their iPads if they didn't have someone saying they couldn't!

Some foods are treats that only happen occasionally, and it isn't safe or healthy to be glued to screens all the time, Children without fully formed impulse control shouldn't be expected to manage this without parental boundaries

I agree totally op. One of my DD’s friends food is restricted & she can polish off a 5 multipack of Doritos in one sitting when she comes to play. I can see (usually before a holiday) she gets skinny then gains weight. Yo-yo’ing all the time. She will either eat everything here or say she’s not having seeets at the minute because of xyz.

I was shown (for all
my mother’s faults) a really healthy relationship with food & was sternly told if I ever mentioned weight/diets & I have a totally ‘normal’ relationship with food. My DD sees me eat healthy but have treats & I’m never ‘on a diet’. She eats what she wants (within reason, she’s not getting a bag of haribo right before bed🤣).

Everything in moderation.

Tech isn't going anywhere but it's OK as part of a balanced lifestyle. Same with sugar/junk food.

Children don't have the capacity to moderate this themselves so they need parental guidance and yes, control to ensure these things are part of their life in a balanced way.

My parents did this too op so l try and be very relaxed, but dd just doesn't make good choices so l have to intervene sometimes

I'm sure you don't mean it to, but this post has a sinister undertone feel with the "don't control your child's tech access" which seems something very random and a stretch with your post supposedly about food and your ED. Very odd add on.