to ask people not to control their children

[FunnysInLaJardin]

I was very controlled as a child, loving background but food was tightly controlled.

As a result I have a binge eating disorder.

I see so much on here about parents wishing to control what food their child eats and what tech they have access to.

It all comes from a good place, but just be mindful that if you control your child's choices you may inadvertantly end up damaging them.

give your child a choice and enable them to make the right decisions, don't decide for them. Like my parents did

Or kids just learn that chocolate is a 'sometimes' food? Like they should.

Don’t get it. I had to ask approval for whatever I wanted to watch on TV when I was a kid and we had very limited viewing hours. I wasn’t allowed to just watch what I wanted whenever I wanted. Lots of my friends had more relaxed rules than I did

Exactly. Also the same as another poster who couldn’t believe kids begging for a tv in 70’s and it not ending badly! My parents didn’t get a tv until at least mid-70’s and carrying on begging and pleading with them would have resulted in short shrift frankly. When we did get a tv my mum used to watch daytime soaps and it was then turned off. It would go on after dinner for my father to watch the news, then it would be turned off. Mum and I used to watch Dallas once a week but it was on after my father went to bed (early to bed as rose at stupid o’clock), so we would put it on so softly as to not to disturb him, as light sleeper and small house, that we basically had to lip read. Apart from that we watched a movie on Saturday nights 8.30-10.30pm but there was only two or three to choose from and parents made the choice.

My grandparents were well off and I can’t remember them not having a tv. But it still wasn’t a case of kids being able to watch anything anytime and being ‘controlled’, it was that people didn’t have them on much and when they did it was for a specific purpose, not surfing shows/content/movies like we do now. My nan used to watch two game shows early evening Mon-Fri (wheel of fortune style), and my grandfather used to watch Benny Hill once a week and would watch a Carry On film whenever one was showing. Apart from that tv stayed off. If I stayed with them they would let me watch Doctor Who as a ‘kids program’😆. None of this is controlling or abusive, it was just a different way in a different time.

That's a bit general to chuck out as advice to every parent. There has to be some control to better guide children through life in many different ways. Your parents messed up on a specific issue - food. I get your point but you might want to specify control over food. I’m sorry for what happened to you but this thread isn’t particularly helpful.
Do you have kids of your own?
You can post a thread detailing everything you've been put through, that might help you more.

There's a happy medium. My toddler would eat cake all day left to her own devices.

Also, for many, many reasons, tech and food are quite different. Are you really suggesting all children should have unlimited internet access?

Children need guidance and training to deal with both food and tech appropriately. That's a parent's job and just letting them do what they like is failing to do that job properly. Incidentally, just controlling them is also failing. The goal is to get teens who can have more and more freedom because they've been shown how to be responsible.

I think theres a balance, we do restrict refined sugar (not very well, she ends up with one thing most days) or say no snack half an hour before dinner. But in terms of quantity of food she may eat at dinner or lunch we never interfere. It’s up to us to provide reasonably healthy food and up to her how much she eats of it.

On TV we are a bit more relaxed, she has a lot of activities (between 8-9 hours a week) and she’s ahead at school and we do work at home most days. We also play family games, read a lot etc but mostly we are out a lot. So if she wants to watch TV it’s fine. But I would absolutely restrict or monitor usage of anything linked to the internet for her own safety.

I think people here are being a bit harsh, my mother heavily restricted food (not in a healthy way in an abusive way according to my psychologist) and it will give you disordered eating. I know a little girl who’s mum always seems to have chocolate or sweets ready for her and thats not great either.

OP, I absolutely get you and I'm sorry your post is being misunderstood by many. I wonder whether it's a case of people who have not experienced being on the receiving end of gratuitous controlling behaviour in familial relationships find it hard to see that what you are describing is not simply 'parents setting firm, healthy boundaries'. Controlling behaviour, punitive restrictions or coercive control in parent and child relationships are definitely a thing, just as it is in spousal relationships. This is about parents inducing fear, guilt, shame and humiliation ‐deliberately‐ to influence children's choices or to remove access and any degree of autonomy altogether. I work with safeguarding children in education, and certain descriptions of this kind of controlling behaviour are definitely red flags.

As a PP pointed out, how 'control' and restriction is meted out makes all the difference. And that's ALL on the parents, or the person doing the controlling. Healthy boundaries, or not being able to afford certain foods, is of course different, but some parents definitely use food ‐or any number of things‐ as levers of control and subjugation, far beyond the realms of reasonable 'guidance'.

My autistic DC, a young teen, is massively sensory seeking through certain flavours and specific textures, and has no 'off-switch' -consuming these foods is her favourite stim and she fixates on them strongly. So I have to restrict their availability. But I'm really careful to do this in a way that does not in any way convey a power-over relationship, and I accept that she will sometimes get around me. And, while not great, it's OK.

I was brought up the opposite, I had to clear my plate and on at least one occasion I was force fed.

I have a complicated relationship with food.

As always, tread a common sense middle line.

Sorry you have suffered op but their is a world of difference between controlling and abusing.

Children feel safe with strong boundaries and in turn trust that you will keep them safe.
Pushing those boundaries is normal.

I don't agree with children doing and eating as they please without boundaries/control.

Great idea OP. Give kids free reign and they'll never suffer from poor mental health.

Obviously they'll eat crap, be in poor physical health and be exposed to all sorts on the internet but as long as their parents give them the choice, they'll turn out fine.

Studies generally show a correlation between an external locus of control (belief that the individual has little control over themselves & environment) and eating disorders / obesity. Development of an external locus of control can be a result of environmental factors, both wider structural ones ie poverty or homelessness, and more intimate domestic ones. There is also, interestingly, a correlation of ELOC with OCD, anxiety, depression etc.

As another poster has explained really well, the issue is not healthy boundaries. It's also not even necessarily food, it's about control for the sake of control. There are many reasons a parent might be overly controlling - fear, insecurity, social anxiety, dominance - and many different mechanisms of control, including food.

This is a very good point - the type (and availability) of ‘junk’ food has vastly changed since the OP’s childhood in the 70s. In some ways, parents may need to be stricter now.

Likewise, the rules the OP describes around TV are quite typical of the time - I was a child in the 80s and we weren’t allowed to watch TV all the time, and it was usually my parents choosing what we watched. And I agree with PP that screen time needs to be more regulated now with access to the internet being the main issue.

I'm very relaxed, we don't impose tech restrictions (yet, that may change as she gets older) but we do just do a variety of activities. She's more likely to choose going in the garden than playing on her tablet.

I don't force any food in, i.e. veg, but I do put it on her plate and ask her to try it (if she doesn't, it keeps going on the plate when we're having it til she does and decides if she likes it). She's more likely to have fruit than biscuits.

But. She's only a child. And the last few of days has decided she only wants ice cream. For breakfast. And every other meal. First day we tried offering alternatives. Not having it. By today the answer is just no. Because she is 2.5 and ice cream is not a suitable meal. But by your "not controlling" them logic I should let her decide, which would mean she'd only eat ice cream. And if she is allowed to only eat ice cream, all the healthy food she currently eats will stop.

My SIL is very controlling of what her children eat. With the boys, there’s not been much of an issue. But her daughter is a different story. She’ll binge on anything given the opportunity and is very fearful of food around her mum. It’s very sad.

Yes!! I grew up with a Mother who lived and breathed diet culture. She was clearly in a binge and purge cycle, but the problem was she bought the whole house (especially me, youngest child and only daughter) into her regime. I remember everytime she started a diet she would say “everyone needs to lose some weight” and being encouraged to follow her regime (WW/Rosemary Coleeny whatever it was at the time). But at weekends and when she’s on annual leave she’d binge and if you questionned it she’d say “I’m on my holidays” it was so confusing.

At 8 she thought I’d been dieting all week and got me a chocolate bar and said I’d really worked hard for that - because I’d restricted myself all week. She put so much responsibility onto me at a very young age to eat “well” but realistically what I ate was totally in her control - it was her house.

I went to weight watchers with her at 18 and when I reached goal she told me it was very heavy still, it wasn’t I was a size 8/10 and felt really good! I started to realise then that my own bad relationship with food was all down to her.

She was sent a photo in a family group of my son having a cookie after a sporting event and she said “you deserve that, you’ve earnt it” and I thought FFS it’s a cookie and here we go again. I’ve asked her not to speak to my kids about food being bad and good. We control what’s in the house and ensure they have a nutritious diet that way. I’ve also asked her to never comment on my weight again. She’ll say “you look better now you’ve lost weight” which I know is her way of saying “you were overweight.”

Ive read Lyndi Cohens book and there’s a chapter on this topic. It all made sense to me.

There's a point In all our lives we have to take responsibility for our own actions and not blame others. Lots of people have disordered eating and they would of all been raised with different parenting styles.

I’m absolutely agree with you op, as this was my life.
I have raised my dc with food that they can eat, healthy and not so healthy, that is accessible. My mum being strict with my food and the endless comments about other peoples bodies and weight as well as mine, led to me craving comfort food and a lifetime of food issues.
However, I don’t know if raising all dc like I do around food would work, especially if they don’t recognise when they’re full. It’s worked for my 3 dc and for that I’m very pleased.

Binge Eating disorder totally dominated my life for 15 years, but my parents were very lax and relaxed. I think you've made a connection which makes sense in your life but correlation isn't causation. The causes of EDs are complex and I don't think any of the research implicates strong boundaries in parents.

I agree to a point OP, my parents were very controlling and there was no leaway for anything, once they had decided something was a ‘no’ that was it. They also could not understand for the life of them why a teenager would want to wear the same clothes or do the same things as their friends. It made for a very difficult childhood where my overarching memory is of unhappiness and bullying and now I’m a parent myself I see the things they controlled were not for my own good at all, it was a power trip.

I am a firm believer in moderation and education when it comes to things like food and tech. Teaching kids about food, letting them help with shopping and cooking from a young age and enjoying family meals together all help to foster a healthier relationship with food so they can make informed choices about what fuels their body. Also encouraging kids to be active through play or sport as they get older so they get the dopamine/ endorphins from this rather than junk food and screens or gaming. It is also about modelling good habits, not making food an issue by talking about calories and diets all the time or restricting screen time for them while you spend hours on your phone.

MsGoodenough, I am sorry you too experienced disordered eating. Your parents being relaxed and not contributing to your ED doesn't mean that there also is no correlation between OP's perception of having controlling parents and her ED. If she says this is the link, it probably is.

Posters who suggest that OP needs to 'take responsibility' -WTAF!? I can only assume you have not experienced the devastation brought to children and young people's mental health by growing up in excessively controlling households, or homes in which one parent excerts an unhealthy amount of control over the rest of the family, nor how this can continue to marr lives well into adulthood. Lucky you. Give the OP a break.

It's just not that simple. For example, my parents were very against alcohol but I had friends who parents had no issue with their older teens going out and drinking as much as they liked - we all drank about the same as teens which was sometimes too much and we all grew up to become adults who rarely drink.

Giving kids free reign can be just as damaging as being controlling, no one can really say what messages kids are going to pick up from what happens around them as they grow up - and they will get to an age where peers have more influence than parents anyway. Also we know there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism and eating disorders - who knows perhaps that is actually what your mum passed on to you.

A mostly healthy diet for children is very important, modelling sensible drinking is important, modelling/teaching healthy ways to handle stress and upset is important. I think blaming this on your parents attitude to food is easy but far too simplistic OP.

give your child a choice and enable them to make the right decisions, don't decide for them.

They're children. Boundaries are a good thing - for their own sakes and for the sake of the people around them out in the world.

I was allowed to eat whatever I wanted when I was a child. I still developed and ED. You need to take responsibility for yourself.

From a very working class family, I was a child allowed unfettered access to sugar and catbohydrate-rich foods. I was a fat child, teenager and adult until I got a grip in my mid 30s. I have still struggled with controlling my weight but haven't returned to being the fat young adult I was previously.

I really wish my parents had controlled my access to the piles of sweet stuff I consumed. Just not having so much of it in the house would've helped.