to ask people not to control their children

[FunnysInLaJardin]

I was very controlled as a child, loving background but food was tightly controlled.

As a result I have a binge eating disorder.

I see so much on here about parents wishing to control what food their child eats and what tech they have access to.

It all comes from a good place, but just be mindful that if you control your child's choices you may inadvertantly end up damaging them.

give your child a choice and enable them to make the right decisions, don't decide for them. Like my parents did

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

We don’t know OP’s family’s financial circumstances - food control may have been a combination of beliefs and economics - that’s the point.

Read all OPs posts. It comes from her parents growing up during the war and her mothers anorexia. We do know this information. They were also the same with her TV watching, very controlling.

I presume OP knows her own background and started a discussion around control for controls sake, because that's what she worries about.

@FunnysInLaJardin

It’s interesting your parents were war children - so were mine. Living through rationing I think made people mindful of the value of food and organised in its use - thus home economics were practised and food not to be wasted. It’s very different now.

Also that your mum had anorexic tendencies - which is a key factor in children’s EDs which you wlll know.

I guess my problem with the “trust your children” approach is that - in many families that leads to childhood overweight/obesity. Among my kids - one underate naturally and was never hungry. If I left him to eat what he wanted it would be very little. Instead we worked on his digestion and to find foods that he liked that were also nutritious.

I think I understand OP's point. It's important to help your child move from an external locus of control (doing or not doing things because of something external, such as a parent) to an internal locus of control (making wise decisions about things yourself). Where parents are too controlling for too long (eg never allowing a child to make their own decisions about what to eat) the child may never develop that internal locus, may never have confidence in their ability to self-control. It's a process and it takes years. It's not about giving your child completely free rein from day 1 but about gradual adjustment.

I can completely see how someone with their own issues around food passes them on by being too controlling- they see food as something fearful and appetite as something to be controlled absolutely. They are therefore too afraid to let their child take any control themselves. Child then reaches adulthood having never made their own decisions about what to eat and never learnt the natural lessons that come from getting it wrong sometimes (eg eating too much and feeling uncomfortable)- the only lesson they have learnt is that access to food might be restricted so you should eat what you can when you can.

I have read her posts thanks and she has not given any info about finances at all.

My family was relatively well off - private school, music lessons, foreign holidays etc- but despite or perhaps befcause of this - food and clothes were carefully managed as there wasn’t a lot of spare cash. That was the same with most families I knew. Back in the 70s there was much less credit, far fewer food shops, restaurants and takeaways.

I presume more control would not have children under 10 carrying knives and being out till midnight and later wandering the streets

There was no control and we were brought up on processed shit food. I have BED too.
I don't think it's as simple as you were given guidance of what foods you should caused this.

I find it depressing the one day my kids will
probably blame me for all that’s ’wrong’ in their lives! I hope they remember the good bits too…

You have it in a nutshell @Tilly22222 and have explained my point far more eloquently than I have been able to.

and @Mirabai it wasn't an economic issue. My parents were well off

I don't blame my parents for all that is wrong in my life. As I said in my OP my parents were loving and I had a good upbringing.

The aspect that they got wrong was thinking they had to control me rather than trusting me to work it out for myself, obviously with careful guidance.

@FunnysInLaJardin So were mine. Food control is generally a combination of factors as I have said.

The aspect that they got wrong was thinking they had to control me rather than trusting me to work it out for myself, obviously with careful guidance.

You don’t say what form the control took.

One person’s control is another’s careful guidance..

I don't think there is a solution. My parents weren't controlling or lax, they took a middle ground. We ate healthily but with a few treats, and had some tv and tech but not too much. They set great examples themselves and live healthy happy lives. Meanwhile I binge eat and am overweight, and always have been. One sibling is like me, the other slim. I obviously don't blame my parents! Just the way I am I suppose.