to ask people not to control their children

[FunnysInLaJardin]

I was very controlled as a child, loving background but food was tightly controlled.

As a result I have a binge eating disorder.

I see so much on here about parents wishing to control what food their child eats and what tech they have access to.

It all comes from a good place, but just be mindful that if you control your child's choices you may inadvertantly end up damaging them.

give your child a choice and enable them to make the right decisions, don't decide for them. Like my parents did

I completely agree with. Far too many controlling, obsessive parents about. They control every aspect of their childs life. They are unknowingly doing it,and in years to come I believe the generations will teach that. Its like looking back on mygrandparents disciplines, not great,but accepted in the day.

EDs have such complex aetiologies I’d wager there is far more going on than simply your family’s approach to food in childhood.

If food control led directly to EDs then the highest rates would be in developing countries where food poverty is rife. However, rates of EDs are highest in the west where there is far more food and far less restriction.

One of my oldest friends grew up without a TV in the house. She and her sister spent loads of time doing other things - sports, activities, hobbies, crafting, exhibitions, reading, theatre etc.

Its not about the availability of food. It's about the attitude towards the food.

In developing countries there's no one telling young people they can't have cake cos it'll make them fat. There just is no cake. But if there was, no one would say it'd make them fat, they'd just enjoy the food they have.

EDs are more rife over here because there's huge amounts of food, and varieties, and a massive focus on body image. Combine those two things, especially in a child who hasn't learned that people can think different ways to each other yet, and there's psychological damage a plenty. Which can lead to EDs.

How do you know? People in developing countries can still take the attitude that cake and sweet stuff is bad for you. India has one of the highest levels of diabetes in the world so people are conscious that reliance on processed and high carb food has damaging effects.

At the same time, in poorer areas there couldn’t be a stronger form of food control than families portioning out small amounts of food to each member.

As I said EDs have complex causes in which diverse mental health challenges - low self esteem/confidence, self hatred, body dysmorphia, depression, anxiety, trauma, self harm, addiction, obsessive/compulsive behaviours may play a part.

It’s notable that in families with multiple children subject to the same environment only one may develop an ED.

Exactly this.

I’m not sure about your logic? People living in poverty aren’t “controlling” it’s their circumstances.

Also - referring to my above post - how would you even measure the prevalence of ED’s in underdeveloped countries?

It’s like saying children don’t wear ill fitting shoes in countries where they don’t have shoes?!

You cannot compare the norms of a 70s childhood with today. You just can't.

It was entirely normal not to watch much TV. There were only 3 channels and very little programming was for children. My parents choice of what we watched ALWAYS took precedence over me and my brother's.

It was entirely normal to control food. Snacking was not a thing at all. We ate what we were given or not at all. There wasn't massive choice anyway. I remember one of the school dinners was cow's tongue. 🤢

The parenting role was different. Children were to well presented (no choice in what we wore), quiet when in the presence of adults (church, etc.) and swift slap would be the result of annoying an adult.

But, we had masses more freedom. I could leave the house in the morning with sandwiches and not be expected home until dinner. This was normal.

None of what I have written here is normal now. I have not raised my DC like this AT ALL. My parents and PILs do not interact with their grandchildren like this...but I do still see echoes.

Part of growing up is seeing the generational norms pass. I have IBS, allergies, asthma and eczema most likely brought on by formula milk and weaning at 12 weeks old. I don't blame my parents. They did what was normal at the time.

Know better, do better.

Circumstances result in the strict control of food. Whether that control is due to lack of supply or from personal theory the upshot is - restriction.

Thanks for the interesting discussion.

For me it boils down to ensuring that setting children boundaries and helping them make good choices doesn't spill over into controlling behaviour

Incidentally I do have DC to whoever asked. 2 teen boys

I’m not sure we are doing better as a society.

Modern parenting has created overweight/obese, screen-addicted, attention deficient kids with less emotional resilience and less physical fitness. I’m not sure that’s any great step forward.

I brought my kids up in the 70s way and it does make a difference.

Far fewer children die though.

The comparison on SIDS alone is staggering between the year I was born and 2012 when DD1 was born.

That’s a different issue - it’s the result of medical advances particularly in neonatal care and also increased public awareness. Intensive care for babies including premature babies hugely improved from 1975 onwards.

At the same time asd, super allergies, diabetes, cancer rates have risen.

All good parents have to ‘control’ their children’s behaviour to a degree. You know that the first time they toddle near a busy road and you grab their hand.

Some parents get off on that and become tyrants. It’s fucked up parenting that is the problem - not ‘control’ per se.

This is a general comment, not necessarily aimed at the OP, but I find it sad the go to nowadays is to make our parents responsible for all of our problems in life.

Sometimes, it’s because of our own choices and behaviours, and lack of personal responsibility/ accountability that something has gone wrong. Our parents are not the only influence that shapes us into who we become.

But the restriction is completely different: one is out of control the other circumstance. I’m really struggling to wrap my head around the point you’re trying to make.

So you have two teen DS and you don't exert any control over their tech? So you're potentially happy for them to watch violent and extreme porn then? Or access sites that aren't appropriate? I don't understand how you believe that it's not wise for parents to exert control over their children's access to tech?

SIDS is but one example.

Here's drowning deaths:

www.watersafetyscotland.org.uk/docs/delivering-accident-prevention.pdf

Children are physically safer now. Fewer children die from accidental death than when I was a child in 1970s.

This reduction is multi-faceted but part of it is better supervision from parents because children don't disappear all day to play.

Restriction is restriction. The effect is the comparable whatever the genesis.

Ok, reading your subsequent posts OP , you are talking about control for the sake of control - basically exercising power over your children not for their own good but because you can.

I’m sure everyone would agree that acting like this towards your kids is not ok.

But that’s very different from letting them make their own choices around food/tech. Controlling your child’s diet and tech access, for their own safety and health, is a huge and necessary part of parenting.

The important thing is to make sure your rules are actually necessary for your child’s benefit, and not just because you enjoy being in charge.

SIDS is one example of medical condition - there are many others. Medical advances since 1970 have played a key role in reduction of child mortality.

Now children have fewer accidents because they are more supervised and more likely to be at a pc than up a tree. There are fewer deaths but an increase in disease.

And OP I would say too much freedom is just as harmful as too little - be careful you’re not
overcompensating for your own childhood and allowing your DC to do things that will be harmful long term.

It is neglectful to not make good choices for your children before they are old enough to understand the consequences of their choices and make informed decisions.

I don't know if it really works like that OP, my parents were not controlling at all of what I ate and I also developed a binge eating disorder. I often wish my parents were more clued up on healthy food when I was younger and had encouraged us to be more active but they were doing the best they could and even if they had done all that I'd probably still be as I am.