to ask people not to control their children

[FunnysInLaJardin]

I was very controlled as a child, loving background but food was tightly controlled.

As a result I have a binge eating disorder.

I see so much on here about parents wishing to control what food their child eats and what tech they have access to.

It all comes from a good place, but just be mindful that if you control your child's choices you may inadvertantly end up damaging them.

give your child a choice and enable them to make the right decisions, don't decide for them. Like my parents did

What are you suggesting, that kids be lied to about what is and isn't good for them?

"Oh yes honey, it's fine for you to have two or three helpings of ice cream instead of just one and then apple or carrot sticks if you're still hungry" or "Yes, please eat another packet of crisps 5 minutes before your tea comes out the oven"?

I suppose then there'll be adults saying "I have an eating disorder because mum and dad never taught me to moderate my intake of high-calorie low-nutrient food".

Tech is fine in and of itself, but the things children can access needs to be controlled and it needs to be broken up with other activities too, because it's good for children to have a variety of ways to enjoy themselves.

I'm very sorry you had an upbringing that hurt you. But children have to be parenting and parents have to control many aspects of a child's like. To not do so is neglect.

I think a lot of posters are misinterpreting. I don't think OP is referring to setting boundaries - which is healthy parenting, I think she means arbitrary rules for the sake of control, which is very damaging. I am watching this play out with food in a family I know, who I consider quite extreme with food: no snacks, no sweet treats ever, no exceptions. I once witnessed a draconian response to finding a small bag of sweets hidden in a bedroom (think grounded for a month). Their eldest is a tween now and is developing an eating disorder. This is an example of control for its own sake, it's not helping these kids to become healthy young people.

One of my DD’s friends food is restricted & she can polish off a 5 multipack of Doritos in one sitting when she comes to play.

But so could most children if the adult in charge allowed it??

Thank you, you have totally understood my op

My child could eat 1-2 bags after tea, not 5!

But still, many children could if the adult didn't stop them.

Well yes, many could. Also, many wouldn’t. Pretty unusual to eat a full multipack after tea.

Could you maybe explain a bit more?

What do you mean about controlling tech and food?

You don't mention extremities, so it sounds as though you have a problem with sensible parenting?

Very sensible advice for any parent whose children were miraculously born with adult levels of maturity for making rational decisions, and a clear understanding of all the consequences of their actions.

For those of us whose children don't fit that profile, a different set of tactics will be needed.

It’s an add on because one of the ways I was controlled was that we didn’t have a tv until I was 10. This was in the 70s. I had to beg for a tv and even then what I watched was strictly controlled. Couldn’t just put the tv on and watch, had to make a case for it

I don't think it's pretty unusual for a lot of kids.

But it's very unusual for an adult to allow it.

Even the salt/fat content would be ridiculously high.

It’s unusual for my kid! Once she’s had her tea she would maybe eat 1-2 then she’d be full.

Also unusual for the other kids that come for tea.

contrary to your experience I was given free rein on both and i was an overweight, shy little girl who was conscious I looked different and couldn't keep up with my friends.

I lost the weight as a teen and never ever looked back. I wish my parents had set some boundaries and hadn't left me to parent myself in that area. But they did the best they could. I love them.

Every parent needs to set boundaries which they can look themselves in the mirror for setting that come from a good place.

I'm not telling you your experience was bit valid. It is. But so is mine. I respect your right to your opinion though.

You're not a parent are you? You can't possibly be and comparing the tech available today to a TV in the 70s. There's a reason schools and child protection organisations emphasise online safety to both children and parents. That's on top of all the studies done in the past 2 decades on the importance of limited screen time and having age related limits due to neuro and eye development.

I think it’s about allow choices within reason. So my children can choose what to watch on their iPads from programs I’ve allowed on the app. There are favourite websites saved to browse, again I’ve selected them.
With food I feel it’s important not to make it a stressful experience, enable new foods to be tried whilst severely limiting the sugar without them feeling I’m limiting it! In the holidays I put the snacks in a basket for each child in a basket for the day and they can choose what they eat when such as apple banana mini breadsticks mini cereal box that sort of thing (I’ve got one with food issues) if they eat it all the only snack is toast!

I think the boundaries we set for our children come from the example we set. Children follow what you do, not what you say. For example, if chocolate is naughty but given as a 'special treat' surely that's a negative message, as it idealises chocolate. Obviously you wouldn't have much in the house, if any, if you didn't value it yourself.

This is very odd, so the bag of sweets of hidden by a very young child indeed, if the oldest is now a tween. I am assuming stolen? So "grounding" for a month means what to a child of primary age?

No sugar is not going to result in an eating disorder. Sugar beet was first bred in Napoleonic times, so very few people before that had sugar, and there were no wholesale eating disorders in the population

When you say food was tightly controlled, do you mean the amount wasn't enough OP?

I wasn’t tightly controlled as a dc but also have a binge eating disorder. I guess it’s easier to blame parents than accept your own part in something.

Tricky, i had loosened what dc have been having but realistically they have almost binged with their snacks themselves
today
Dc2 9yo has had
waffle/ice lolly/2 freeze pops/ crisps/chocolate chip cookie/2 mini muffins/2 scoops ice cream/yoghurt/ a whole galia melon ov er 2 days
Dc1 12yo has had
A doughnut/crisps/freeze pop/ice cream/lolly/ice lolly

they are clearly not regulating themselves

We never had a tv in the 70s because we couldn’t afford one. My parents controlled what I ate because we never had money. We were fed but it was a basic diet of what they could afford.

I wouldn’t have allowed my children to have unlimited tv or watch an inappropriate film or programme. I cooked healthy meals and yes treats were limited. That’s not abusive. You can’t judge every parent on here from your past. I’m wondering how many overweight, screen addicted children would be running around if their parents never had boundaries.

It means no playdates or clubs for a month. Not stolen, given by a friend at school. And it's not about sugar, it's about control.

weird, primary school children bringing bags of sweets to school and distributing them in secret? This story makes no sense to me