to ask people not to control their children

[FunnysInLaJardin]

I was very controlled as a child, loving background but food was tightly controlled.

As a result I have a binge eating disorder.

I see so much on here about parents wishing to control what food their child eats and what tech they have access to.

It all comes from a good place, but just be mindful that if you control your child's choices you may inadvertantly end up damaging them.

give your child a choice and enable them to make the right decisions, don't decide for them. Like my parents did

It's still circumstances over attitude. It's very hard to binge eat when there's no food around. It's hard to judge people for an extra portion, making them conscious of eating "wrong", if you're lucky to get one portion in the first place.

In poorer areas in developed countries, people eat worse because of cost rather than choice. If you have a fiver a week to buy food, you aren't buying salad and apples. You're buying the £1 boxes of UPFs in Iceland, because it will go much further and last longer.

Whereas those of us with enough food can pick and choose. And we are swayed by those around us and the way they behave towards food. We can have certain things restricted from us (cake, sugar, chocolate etc) by other people. Which leads to eating it in secret, or binging when you can get it. We can be told we're fat because we eat too much, which can lead to us restricting our own food.

I know people who don't know when they're full because they were forced to stay at the table til their plate was empty. They weren't allowed to listen to their bodies telling them they were full because of a fear of food waste and a lecture about "starving children in Africa". They now struggle with over eating.

There are studies all over the internet about it, and in psychology journals etc. Try having a search.

Mirabai, come on! Surely you must be able to see that the reason for restricted access to food is everything in this context? To deny this appears wilfully obtuse.

And BodyKeepingScore (weirdly apt username), the OP has clearly said that this isn't to do with parents keeping healthy boundaries, but rather what happens when excessive control is exerted over children.

@IllMetByMoonlight It seems wilfully obtuse to deny that restriction is restriction. Of course it’s not everything. But that is not to say it’s nothing - there are certainly differences.

Indeed the effects of food deprivation on the brain - whether intentionally via anorexia or unintentionally via food poverty - are the same.

@FunnysInLaJardin im sorry you went through this. I hope you are getting help with your issues.

I think you raise a really important issue (especially on a parenting forum!).

Your parents were obviously at the extreme end of control parenting and it was unhealthy as would be parenting at the other end of the spectrum. Obviously a lot of parents fall somewhere in between.

However I do think as a society we have inherited the notion that children need to be controlled for ‘their own good’. I think children need guidance rather than control. And as another poster pointed out one of the best ‘parenting strategies’ is for us to set the example ourselves. As adults I think we believe we know best as that was the way we were raised, but I think given the chance children would make good choices for themselves. I think we’re raised with the notion that adults ‘know best’ and that can easily slip into over-control even with the best intentions (been guilty of this myself).

If you really stop to think about it we as a society control pretty much everything about children’s lives from what they learn, to the physical space they inhabit, their resources, their time, their bodies and their food/drink. The question is where do we draw the line?

But we're not talking about the effect of not enough nourishment on the brain. We're talking about the effect being held to certain rules around food have on a person's attitude towards it in the future.

This isn't about the physical reaction to a lack of food. It's a psychological reaction to having someone control your intake and the reasons they give you.

You're deliberately misunderstanding.

Is is me, to a T. I constantly eat until I’m uncomfortably full because as a child I had to clear my plate because ‘starving Africans’ and there was never ever a snack available so if I didn’t clear my plate and I was hungry then I stayed hungry. Even though I’m now 40 and I know why I’m doing it it’s a really hard habit to break.

I didn't say I didn't keep an eye on what they access but no I don't control it. I do my best to educate and help them make healthy decisions.

Because do you know that you can't actually control children for very long. Once they are out in the world they will come across all manner of unpleasant things.

You have to teach them how to deal with that

reading the responses here, it is very interesting how many people say that they willingly control their DC.

I actually think it comes from a place of fear. It takes brave parenting not to micromanage and control your child. You have to have faith that your child with guidance will make good choices and that is a lot more difficult than an outright ban

So what happens if guidance and keeping faith don't result in your child making good decisions?
How long do you keep going?

I didn't say I didn't keep an eye on what they access but no I don't control it. I do my best to educate and help them make healthy decisions.

Have they ever made an unhealthy decision? What did you do?

Just out of interest, if you had a child that was grossly overweight and you’d tried pussy-footing round the issue, and educate them about making healthy choices, and it had made no difference, how would you solve the problem?

It might well be the link for her, but that doesn't mean it's the link for anyone else. That's all I was saying.

As for EDs being a reason not to control tech access; that makes no sense to me at all. A whole generation of children and teens are suffering the worst mental health ever and there's lots of evidence that is down to smartphones and social media taking over from free play. I feel pretty confident in stating that unrestricted access to tech would not reduce the risk of eating disorders.

Oh and just to add, I didn't state that parenting didn't contribute to my ED, it absolutely did. I don't think anyone alive's mental state isn't influenced by the way they were parented.

Yabu. Learning good boundaries is an important part of childhood and being a teen.
Yes I will control the amount of biscuits etc my kids eat as I can't afford to buy multiple packs and everyone needs to have some

Same with tech. Healthy habits are important - how are these to be developed if not by parental boundaries

My 8 year old would have lunch at 10am if I didn't control what time "lunch time" was. It's particularly difficult in the school holidays when she will constantly ask for chocolate and snacks. I'm not sure what would happen if I just said yes to every food demand, potentially an overweight child with some health concerns.

I’m not you’re just not seeing the bigger picture.

Some families have rules around food from philosophy and some have rules around food because money is tight. Some may be a bit of both.

The effect is feeling deprived of certain kinds of foods that are off the menu at home.

Food restriction from either source may impact the relationship with food in the future, or it may not - it depends on the person.

In the context of this thread that's not what is being discussed and therefore you're deliberately going off topic.

I will not be derailing the thread any further with you.

I know someone who was extremely controlling with food and it has affected their DC a lot.

That's not to say I think you give DC complete free reign. But you have to let DC make some decisions or they will never learn to make wise decisions.

I had an eating disorder and had no limits on anything but I do get what you are saying. I think it's balance not permissive though

Great post. Moderation is key. There is no point in banning 'unhealthy' food. It will always be around. The important thing is to instil a healthy attitude which means never over indulging in anything.

I think this was very, very common. We can take it a generation further upstream - one which grew up with war rations. That must have results in all manner of 'controlled' eating and a difficult relationship with food.

We cannot change the past, or how we were raised. We can change our response to it.

@CharlotteBog luckily for me my approach has worked but then parenting is totally subjective. I can’t say what I would do if it hadn’t. I do know that I parented very differently to how I was parented. Only with regards to control though. My parents were good and loving in many other ways

And fwiw my parents grew up during the war and I do think that informed their approach. That and my mums propensity to anorexia

reading the responses here, it is very interesting how many people say that they willingly control their DC

Everyone controls their DC though to a certain point and it’s disingenuous to think otherwise. Food - who shops? A toddler doesn’t have cash, have the ability to drive a car, shop at a supermarket. So parents buy the food, thus parents control the food. When ours were kids we never had junk/processed food in the house as DH and I didn’t eat it so why would we have it at home? We never had crisps, soft drink, lollies, biscuits, ice creams, packaged foods in the cupboard/fridge (apart from dry pasta, tinned tuna for tuna bake etc), so therefore we ‘controlled’ that our kids never ate junk/processed food at home.

They had canteen lunch once a week, (here, no school lunches but canteens where back in my kids day you had to write on a bag, put money in and hand it in to canteen before school, nowadays it’s all on app that parents use, not kids!). We ordered a salad sandwich on wholemeal for them. Then once every 6 weeks they got to pick whatever they wanted, meat pie, sausage roll or whatnot. They were given canteen money once a month to choose something to buy at lunch, an ice block or whatnot.

That’s all parenting, and responsible parenting is controlling what your kids have access to and what they eat. Exactly the same for tech.

@FunnysInLaJardin binge eating is so hard - I have it and my mum's idea of exercising control was to occasionally call me a piggy if I ate too much and point out that I didn't have her superior self control. I still don't like eating in front of her as she's bound to make some kind of comment on my eating.

Fwiw I feel both that you have to slide from teaching good routines, to helping them make good choices but some of us are always going to struggle with food regardless of parenting and it's important to understand the genetic factors - no surprise your mum had her own issues.