For a 26 year old to share with a two year old (sibling)

[flowerygardens]

Dss is 26 and ds is 2

Our plan was for ds to have dss old bedroom, he moved out at 23 so we had a spare room and decided to ttc but he moved back home at 24 just before we knew we were expecting back into his old room.
Now there's no bedroom for ds who is in with us for now but would it be unreasonable to expect dss to share with his brother?
We have no idea how long he'll be back home but it sounds like he plans to stay forever now as he doesn't have a great paid job and was struggling to manage on his own.

It's only a 2 bed house and it's council so moving is only an option if we can find an exchange which is almost impossible.
Dp wants to provide him with a home for as long as he needs it but I also need my son to have a room and that was the intended bedroom when we planned to have a baby together in what was then the spare room but dss ended up moving out for such a short time that he still sees it as his room as it always has been.
It's not that I don't want dss there but I had my only child on the expectation that he will have a bedroom because at the time one was spare and understand dp position but feel dp is unreasonable saying he can share our room or we can sleep in the living room which is not how I planned to raise my child.
Dp has been a single parent to ds since he was very small and he doesn't have contact with his mother so I see that to them it's his room and only the age gap between the brothers that's making it difficult because they'd probably need bunk beds.
I honestly feel like everything has backfired and don't know how dss can ever move out now because his situation hasn't changed and he is very comfortable back at home.
I don't think dss would be happy but he has a home and we have to find a way to sleep everyone.

@Needmorelego Edited - thanks!

You’re a real hardcore LTB type aren’t you. Op hadn’t suggested splitting up as an option. It’s just a bedroom issue not a relationship one.

You are being unreasonable to expect an adult man to share a room with a 2 year old, even in a bunk bed?! I can’t believe you’re even considering it. It would make more sense to have them with you, and either tell him he needs to look for somewhere else to live or find somewhere yourself until your child is old enough to need their own room.

As it's HA putting up stud walls/ caravan on drive is not allowed and at 26 DSS is not a dependent so you wouldn't be eligible to bid on larger properties
Surely DSS realises that things changed when he moved out?
I think it's a tad immature that he expects to slot straight back in to his bedroom.
For now I would keep DS in with you, but he'll need a bed soon
Sofa bed in lounge for DSS
Or a divider/ screen for them both in the biggest bedroom
i think you and DP should discuss with DSS how he sees the situation working

@Delphiniumandlupins Assuming one/both parents are working and adult son is also paying towards rent, privately renting somewhere bigger could be an option?

These are exactly the same answers as last time OP…because you have exactly the same options. What did you expect to get from repeating this thread?

Cost of living is tough, so I understand why your DSS wants to stay. You don't have the space though.

So I would put them in together but make it very clear to DSS that he has to accommodate the two year old, not the other way round. Lights out and silent at two year old's bedtime etc.

DSS's situation should be temporary and it's completely unreasonable for your DPs 26 year old child to want or expect precedence in getting a room over his 2 year old child.

The other option is DSS sleeps on the sofa until he finds somewhere.

half way in, I realised I had seen this same scenario before, but this time around with a clear Q designed to make majority of pp to say dss must move out pronto.

previous tthread wasn't that clear cut and I guess op didn't like what she was told.

@TenderChicken
lots of adult children live 'at home'

It was his and he brought his son up there with that room as his bedroom.

I feel sorry for your stepson being forced out of his childhood room. Yes, he's 26 but it's still his dad's home.

How much rent does dss pay? Is it comparable to a room in a house share? I think when paying rent you sort of do deserve your own room. However he could get a room in a house share easily working full time on minimum wage (depending where you live) many people do it! I would start by charging market rate for the room and then extra for food or give him his own cupboard and shelf in the fridge to sort his own food. Don't be doing his washing or anything like that make him live as an adult and do his share of housework etc so staying home isn't as inviting.

I know it's hard because he moved out then back. And he's not your child so the bond isn't quite the same but personally I could never tell a child of mine they can't live at home. I tell them regularly they will always have a home with me. I'd let them live at home into their late 20s definitely if I knew they were saving for a house as when I die there won't be an inheritance this is all I can do for them.

I have a double bed with a single bunk over it. For a time I slept in the double with my toddler and my dd was in the bunk as my disabled child needed his own room. Got a fold away dining table and all the toys and a wardrobe go in the living room. In the end I chose to put myself in the living room as I needed my own space at night and got the kids high sleeper beds so they had space underneath for their toys. There are lots of solutions when you put your mind to it

I know lots of 20+ year olds living at home - it's so expensive to buy/rent!

So if I have three kids, I should never be allowed to downsize because I need to ensure all three of them have a play to stay with me until I'm dead and they're 70+?

A child should have a place to stay in their parents home for as long as they need it.

He’s not a child though @Choochoo21 , he’s a proper adult. I agree that they shouldn’t just kick him out, but they need to sit down together and discuss the situation.

My DH always shared with his older brother ( only a five-year age gap). Neither of them particularly liked it, but space was limited. His brother put a strip of duct tape down the middle to ensure that DH kept his toys on his side! 🤣

@OhcantthInkofaname

what? Why?

personally I could never tell a child of mine they can't live at home. I tell them regularly they will always have a home with me. I'd let them live at home into their late 20s definitely if I knew they were saving for a house.

This!

I think you’re being unreasonable to your DSS. It was his house long before you came on the scene, he moved out and back in before you even knew about DS. Have you actually listed on swap sites to try a swap? Have you talked to DSS/DH? You could privately rent somewhere bigger as 3 adults sharing costs. Have you considered it’s your DSS home and that parenting doesn’t stop at 18 so he might need support from you and DH?

Who the fuck feels sorry for a 26-year-old adult who thinks he is more entitled to the scarce space in his father's home than his 2-year-old brother is?! 🤯

To be fair, it could become a relationship issue if the OP's partner does not grow some balls and tell his son to start acting like a grown-up.

@CuloGrande

@Normallynumb says that as DSS isn't considered a dependent, they may not be eligible for a larger property…not sure whether that’s accurate.

As it's HA putting up stud walls/ caravan on drive is not allowed and at 26 DSS is not a dependent so you wouldn't be eligible to bid on larger properties.

Does that apply to swaps?

He cannot share with a two year old. It doesn't matter whether anyone feels it fair or not, he just can't have the room because the two year old needs it more. This house is too small for the people living there now. The 26 year old either needs to be encouraged to move out or find some other place to sleep - caravan in the garden, maybe? Converted shed? Ultimately, he is heading towards 30 and I can't believe he really wants to live at home forever. Can you help him a little with the rent if that's what's holding him back?

Well that’s next years post …

His brother put a strip of duct tape down the middle to ensure that DH kept his toys on his side!

@BruFord hahahaha. Thank you for making me chuckle.

I must say I don't have a personal experience of this.

@ColinMyWifeBridgerton

Hoe is that remotely relevant to the OPs thread?

My parents fostered once I moved out, I wouldn't dream of moving back and expecting my old room to be sitting as I left it, it's always been my parents house and that was the room they provided while I was a dependent, what they do with it now is entirely up to them.
I don't get why a 26 year old has any say, he should be grateful he's been taken in when his plans didn't work. He's not entitled to a room at 26 a two year old is.