For a 26 year old to share with a two year old (sibling)

[flowerygardens]

Dss is 26 and ds is 2

Our plan was for ds to have dss old bedroom, he moved out at 23 so we had a spare room and decided to ttc but he moved back home at 24 just before we knew we were expecting back into his old room.
Now there's no bedroom for ds who is in with us for now but would it be unreasonable to expect dss to share with his brother?
We have no idea how long he'll be back home but it sounds like he plans to stay forever now as he doesn't have a great paid job and was struggling to manage on his own.

It's only a 2 bed house and it's council so moving is only an option if we can find an exchange which is almost impossible.
Dp wants to provide him with a home for as long as he needs it but I also need my son to have a room and that was the intended bedroom when we planned to have a baby together in what was then the spare room but dss ended up moving out for such a short time that he still sees it as his room as it always has been.
It's not that I don't want dss there but I had my only child on the expectation that he will have a bedroom because at the time one was spare and understand dp position but feel dp is unreasonable saying he can share our room or we can sleep in the living room which is not how I planned to raise my child.
Dp has been a single parent to ds since he was very small and he doesn't have contact with his mother so I see that to them it's his room and only the age gap between the brothers that's making it difficult because they'd probably need bunk beds.
I honestly feel like everything has backfired and don't know how dss can ever move out now because his situation hasn't changed and he is very comfortable back at home.
I don't think dss would be happy but he has a home and we have to find a way to sleep everyone.

What age is your partner? It’s understandable that his son didn’t expect his father to he getting someone pregnant if he’s 26 so he moved back to save money thinking that was his forever bedroom.

Or did he have his son really young so he’s only in his mid 40s?

Does your council house has a separate living room? Is the kitchen big enough? Do you have a dinning room?

My friend has a two up - two down house with a tiny kitchen. The living room is now his eldest’s bedroom, the dining room is now a very welcoming family room with one big sofa, Tv and a wood burning stove. The table is placed in an alcove when not in use and pulled out for meal times, folding chairs from Ikea are kept in a cupboard.

My other friends had their toddler in a tiny “bedroom”made out in an alcove in their landing. I though it was a bit crazy and undignified to start with but it worked well until they moved a year later.

Who parents a 26 year old unless they've got additional needs?
Nobody owes him anything.

Cool. Mum and dad pay for everything. Then are expected to share with a small child or squat in the lounge and kids (26 year old!!!) lives it up in the bedrooms.

Nah. He shares with his brother or is a “big boy” (he is 26 -not 6!) gets a job and pays his way. How long is this going to go on for?! Zero chance of me bank rolling someone for this long. I am in the master bedroom as l paid for over 50% of the house.

My partner is 44 and I am 33…he has a 24 year age gap between his children. One at 19 one at 43. not u heard of or weird.

Not really, his dad has a new partner who's moved in and is of child bearing age and he's moved out leaving them alone in a two bedroom house.
Not exactly shockingly out there.

@TruthorDie I've asked the OP but unsure if they work? My suggestion is possibly pooling all of their wages together to privately rent a property with an extra bedroom.

I honestly think it would be extremely unreasonable and, to be frank, odd for them to share. There is no reason the older sibling can’t move out. Give them a reasonable time frame of a few months and your younger child should share with you in the meanwhile.

But he might move out again in a few months and leave them struggling having given up a council house.
I wouldn't advise this.

Yeah. I would not give up a council tenancy

I've heard of 'forever homes' but a 'forever bedroom' in someone else's house is a new concept.

@chocolatessquare I would give up a council tenancy and rent privately if it meant I could give my family the space they needed, personally speaking.
That's what hubby and I do. Both working but on crap wages. Privately rent.

Caravan or shed as a den for DSS and his little brother sleeps in his bedroom. You're a family of four now so best to try to make it work if you want to be happy.

But op isn't responsible for her 26 year old step son and shouldn't have to make sacrifices for another adult, he needs to get his own home.

Not a good idea to make dss share with ds. I wonder if you think it will force him to move on quicker?

However, what it will do is make ds dependent on dss. After all, if ds wakes in the night, do you honestly expect dss not to tend to him and wait for you to come in? No, of course dss will deal with him, and then when dss does finally leave, ds will be devastated and unsettled at night.

Of course some parents may decide to downsize but many of us have parents who still live in the family home.

There are exceptions like if a parent has announced they’re going to foster for example, but generally it’s common to assume - for as long as the parents remain in that house- your childhood bedroom will be available except maybe occasionally used for guests or storage etc. and we may even have a few of our stuff there.

It’s really not a novel idea or concept.

Am I the only one who sees the only person who is at a disadvantage is OP and her son? DH and DSS must be rubbing their hands in glee having a lady in the house.

As someone pointed out, all this points to DP’s parenting and I am yet to find 2 blokes who wouldn’t happily welcome a woman to live with them. Most women do the lion share of housekeeping.

therefore, as someone else analysed previously, it’s for Op and her 2 year to go find a suitable home for her and her son, as DP cannot house all 4 of them together! With DP’s attitude and COL crises, I can see how this current arrangement is long term hence OP’s frustration before her son is even a bit older to need his own room.

@chocolatessquare He is still her husband's son though? My hubby and I rent privately and our 4 yo daughter is in with us as my sons (his stepsons - 14 and 17) can have their own rooms. I would not be happy if he said that our daughter should take prirroy over my sons at any point. Especially if his son can't afford to move out for whatever reason. It's so bloody expensive!

@Hello432 Where does the OP state this? I'm a woman and my husband does all of the cooking and half of the rest of pretty much all housework and childcare.
Why on earth is it up to her DP to house them all?

But presumably your sons will have moved on by the time your daughter hits puberty and needs her own room, or they could share?

I agree with you, OP can split the bigger room. Or OP can split the living room and kitchen. She can make the living room a bedroom and have a small kitchen. I assume it will be for 3-4 years, not forever, maximum 5 years. I know it's not ideal...

OP make what you can now with your living space. There's plenty of YouTube videos with ideas how to split a room and to make it nice.

I said most women.

i am a woman and DH does 80% of house keeping. My male siblings do the same if not 100 % most times. But we all know majority of women do more. It’s fantastic if op does little of it or none of it. She can come and tell us.

@SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname I'm returning to university to do my Masters and push my career forward so we will hopefully be able to afford a bigger rental. It's not solely up to my hubby to provide for all three kids. Especially not for his stepsons.

Well, I was thinking that perhaps the 26 year old doesn't really treat the OP as a proper full on parent level in the hierarchy of the house, or perhaps doesn't even treat it as the OP's house. If the OP is having a baby she conceived quickly there is a good chance that she isn't more than a decade older than the DSS. If the DSS is 26,his dad is going to be at least 45. I don't know, maybe it doesn't matter at all, I was just thinking that a particular dynamic goes into a step parent relationship when the mum is a fair bit younger than the dad, and perhaps not decades older than the step kid.

@Hello432 So I'm assuming it's not just your DP who provides financially for your family either?