Being punished for break up

[Gilliano1974]

Ive been separated from my husband for 3 years and we have a 4 year old autistic boy. We get on great and the way we co-parent should be made into a manual…..it’s working so well for us and our boy.

My husband’s family are having a get together at the end of July. The home where the party is being held is fabulous with fantastic gardens. My son will absolutely love it!!!! I’ve never had any issues with his side of the family, we still ring each other and we all share a family WhatsApp.

Today I asked if I could go to the family gathering as I’d love to see my son explore the gardens and watch him with the family. I said I’d cook a lasagne as I’m famous for them and the family has always loved them. This was my mother-in-laws reply…..

Hi sorry late reply
Ah it's not my call. Trish is having family because it'll be the last time any family get togethers happen there be4 they move to their new home . Don’t worry Luke will of course see his other relatives at his aunty Trisha's ,we'll make sure you have lots of pics!! X

So it was a no. I’m so upset by this. I feel because I’m the one who left the relationship I’m being punished. I feel like she’s saying that because I’ve left I have lost all privileges to attend family gatherings and I’m no longer welcome. If it was my family and my ex husband wanted to come I’d have absolutely no problem, nor would my family. I feel it’s a bit childish.

My initial reaction was to not allow my son to go without me but I don’t want him to miss out.

What are your thoughts? I’m I being too sensitive?

Just for context I left him due to lack of support for me when my mental health declined after I had my son. I found text messages on his phone saying he wanted to punch me, calling me a c**t and making up stories about me for sympathy. I’ve forgiven all that and we are great friends, though I’d ever g get back with him.

YABU. It’s weird you even asked. If you leave the relationship, you’re no longer family and so of course won’t be invited to family gatherings

You aren't being punished, you just aren't invited. Don't stop your child from going, that would be petty and twattish.

I think yabu. What happens if he gets a new partner and he wants to take his partner to meet his family or something? Be a bit awkward for the partner to have you tagging on all the time.

What if the shoe was on the other foot?

Would a woman whose husband/partner left be expected to welcome him at her family gathering?

I think you know the answer.

There are consequences to breaking up a family unit and this is one of them. I’m not assigning blame because you might have had a valid reason to leave. I’m just stating a fact.

No, this is his family, not yours. Its sad with a break up, because you don't only break up from the spose, you also break up from the in law relationships. Just let your son go and find your own feet.

It isn’t the norm to be invited to the ex’s family gatherings. And it was a bit strange that you asked, your poor ex MIL being put on the spot.

It's hard when you split but the reality is that you are no longer part of that family, it doesn't mean they don't care for you or want to see you it means when their having a family get together you won't ne involved. It's also better for your son to see you getting on as friends but not being one family. In the future one of you may meet someone else and it would be harder then.

You're the odd one for asking tbh. Think her response was very measured.

I can't believe you even asked 😬

They're not your family anymore. You have absolutely no right to ask for an invitation.

You need to reword the post too, it might help you reframe your boundaries. He's your ex husband,she's your ex mother in law. You are no longer part of that family, although your son is. Exes new partner will be, as you will be invited to family gatherings when you have a new partner

I agree with the others. If they had invited you then that would be different but they didn't, and you made things awkward by asking.

Yabu. It's cringey to ask if you can go to someone's party.

The other thing is that you didn't even ask the person who was hosting the party, you asked your ex MIL instead. How can she say it's ok for you to go?

I feel like she’s saying that because I’ve left I have lost all privileges to attend family gatherings

Well... What did you expect? You did leave the family and that has natural consequences, and those consequences are to be expected, honestly. Your former family members may feel awkward having you and your ex at the same event. It's a bit puzzling that you don't grasp this.

In any number of families you wouldn't be excluded. You happen to be in one where that's the case.

It's good that you two get on and are able to co-parent amicably, that's admirable.

But the reality is you're not a family anymore. You made that choice, so yes of course you're going to start being left out of family things. They're still kind to you and treat you with respect, which is good, but they are no longer under any obligation to invite you to things!

YABU you are no longer family. It's amazing that you get on so well, don't ruin your amazing co parenting relationship.

Is it possible that you are also autistic OP? As it is odd that you think YANBU tbh

I don't think they are wrong to not invite you and I think you are cheeky to ask!

However, if you two have an excellent coparenting relationship and you regularly see your exes side of the family I can sort of see where you are coming from.

YABU. It's about having appropriate boundaries. You're no longer the daughter in law so you won't be invited to family gatherings. That's just factual, it's not that they hate you, want to punish you etc.

I left my marriage and have maintained a good relationship with my former in-laws. We message and meet up for a coffee when they're visiting my ex, but I don't go to family gatherings. It's nothing personal, it's just not appropriate for me to be there. That space is for my ex's partner.

Sorry OP I cringed a bit for you inviting yourself along to a family do where you are no longer part of the family. I thought your MIL’s response was very sweet to be fair. I think you need to have an objective look at things because co-parent doesn’t mean co-family. You’ve got a system that works and that’s great, but don’t mistake it for anything like being part of the family unit as you were before. FWIW I don’t think you are being punished, I think that they are making clear and sensible boundaries. This is all meant very kindly from me by the way.

I get on fairly well with my ex husband's family, and he with mine. Neither of us would expect to be invited to family gatherings. It would be disrespectful to our new partners I think!

For example, his half sister lives somewhere that I have visited before on holiday and may do I again. I met up with her for a coffee when I was there last time, and might to in future. All perfectly amicable. No way would I expect her to invite me to a large family gathering that would also include my ex and his new partner! Same with my brother - he still often meets my ex for social occasions but I assume wouldn't ask him to a big family do!

It's great that you get on well with your ex, and still have civil relationships with his family. But you have to allow him to move on now. Could it be he has a new girlfriend he is bringing to this get together for example?

YABU to invite yourself to a party being held by someone that’s no longer your family. I can’t believe you had the cheek to ask tbh and think your ex MIL was very polite under the circumstances.

Your DS can go with his dad - they’re still his family.

Thank you everyone, you’ve all given me some clarity. I’ve messaged her to apologise for putting her on the spot and told her I totally understand.

I guess I just still love them all no matter the circumstances. Of course I’ll let my son still go, he’ll absolutely love it xx