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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Being punished for break up

131 replies

Gilliano1974 · 29/06/2024 17:31

Ive been separated from my husband for 3 years and we have a 4 year old autistic boy. We get on great and the way we co-parent should be made into a manual…..it’s working so well for us and our boy.

My husband’s family are having a get together at the end of July. The home where the party is being held is fabulous with fantastic gardens. My son will absolutely love it!!!! I’ve never had any issues with his side of the family, we still ring each other and we all share a family WhatsApp.

Today I asked if I could go to the family gathering as I’d love to see my son explore the gardens and watch him with the family. I said I’d cook a lasagne as I’m famous for them and the family has always loved them. This was my mother-in-laws reply…..

Hi sorry late reply
Ah it's not my call. Trish is having family because it'll be the last time any family get togethers happen there be4 they move to their new home . Don’t worry Luke will of course see his other relatives at his aunty Trisha's ,we'll make sure you have lots of pics!! X

So it was a no. I’m so upset by this. I feel because I’m the one who left the relationship I’m being punished. I feel like she’s saying that because I’ve left I have lost all privileges to attend family gatherings and I’m no longer welcome. If it was my family and my ex husband wanted to come I’d have absolutely no problem, nor would my family. I feel it’s a bit childish.

My initial reaction was to not allow my son to go without me but I don’t want him to miss out.

What are your thoughts? I’m I being too sensitive?

Just for context I left him due to lack of support for me when my mental health declined after I had my son. I found text messages on his phone saying he wanted to punch me, calling me a c**t and making up stories about me for sympathy. I’ve forgiven all that and we are great friends, though I’d ever g get back with him.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 30/06/2024 23:02

AnotherUdderName · 29/06/2024 21:20

Are you separated or divorced?

I think some families would have been generous and invited you too.

I know families where the parents of a child mix freely with their respective new spouses and even have holidays together.

I also know families where parents keep in touch with their 'ex' daughters in law or sons in law.

Whoever 'walked away' is meaningless.

The fact you both co-parent successfully means your divorce hasn't changed that.

Sorry.

Edited

They’re not divorced.

LoveLifeBeHappy · 01/07/2024 17:14

Gilliano1974 · 29/06/2024 17:31

Ive been separated from my husband for 3 years and we have a 4 year old autistic boy. We get on great and the way we co-parent should be made into a manual…..it’s working so well for us and our boy.

My husband’s family are having a get together at the end of July. The home where the party is being held is fabulous with fantastic gardens. My son will absolutely love it!!!! I’ve never had any issues with his side of the family, we still ring each other and we all share a family WhatsApp.

Today I asked if I could go to the family gathering as I’d love to see my son explore the gardens and watch him with the family. I said I’d cook a lasagne as I’m famous for them and the family has always loved them. This was my mother-in-laws reply…..

Hi sorry late reply
Ah it's not my call. Trish is having family because it'll be the last time any family get togethers happen there be4 they move to their new home . Don’t worry Luke will of course see his other relatives at his aunty Trisha's ,we'll make sure you have lots of pics!! X

So it was a no. I’m so upset by this. I feel because I’m the one who left the relationship I’m being punished. I feel like she’s saying that because I’ve left I have lost all privileges to attend family gatherings and I’m no longer welcome. If it was my family and my ex husband wanted to come I’d have absolutely no problem, nor would my family. I feel it’s a bit childish.

My initial reaction was to not allow my son to go without me but I don’t want him to miss out.

What are your thoughts? I’m I being too sensitive?

Just for context I left him due to lack of support for me when my mental health declined after I had my son. I found text messages on his phone saying he wanted to punch me, calling me a c**t and making up stories about me for sympathy. I’ve forgiven all that and we are great friends, though I’d ever g get back with him.

Today I asked if I could go to the family gathering

You are no longer part of the family; you are now his ex-wife and are only seen as the mother of his child.

Additionally, being there isn't healthy for you. Can't you see how awkward it would be? Everyone would be gossiping about your presence.

Riversideandrelax · 01/07/2024 20:10

LoveLifeBeHappy · 01/07/2024 17:14

Today I asked if I could go to the family gathering

You are no longer part of the family; you are now his ex-wife and are only seen as the mother of his child.

Additionally, being there isn't healthy for you. Can't you see how awkward it would be? Everyone would be gossiping about your presence.

Everyone would be gossiping about your presence?? What on earth? Doesn't happen with us.

DoughBallss · 02/07/2024 11:53

‘My initial reaction was to not allow my son to go without me but I don’t want him to miss out.’

Well done for resisting the urge to use your child as a weapon…wow 😳

JJJxox · 02/07/2024 17:32

Bless you, I’ve just read through some of your responses to your original question …
I just wanted to add for some perspective from the other side, when i first met my partner he and his ex had a very similar relationship to you and yours… it was so confusing when he would tell me that he was meeting his ex and son to go out for dinner I genuinely thought that there was more to it… also family occasions she would always be around him and his family… it made me feel really crappy I had in my head that his family wouldn’t like me because I wasn’t her and they all seemed to do so much to keep her in their lives… I did find it really odd to be honest…
its nice that you have a close relationship but are you stopping each other from moving on?

LoveLifeBeHappy · 10/07/2024 12:27

Riversideandrelax · 01/07/2024 20:10

Everyone would be gossiping about your presence?? What on earth? Doesn't happen with us.

If you're not part of the family and you attend when you shouldn't, you're the elephant in the room.

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