Being punished for break up

[Gilliano1974]

Ive been separated from my husband for 3 years and we have a 4 year old autistic boy. We get on great and the way we co-parent should be made into a manual…..it’s working so well for us and our boy.

My husband’s family are having a get together at the end of July. The home where the party is being held is fabulous with fantastic gardens. My son will absolutely love it!!!! I’ve never had any issues with his side of the family, we still ring each other and we all share a family WhatsApp.

Today I asked if I could go to the family gathering as I’d love to see my son explore the gardens and watch him with the family. I said I’d cook a lasagne as I’m famous for them and the family has always loved them. This was my mother-in-laws reply…..

Hi sorry late reply
Ah it's not my call. Trish is having family because it'll be the last time any family get togethers happen there be4 they move to their new home . Don’t worry Luke will of course see his other relatives at his aunty Trisha's ,we'll make sure you have lots of pics!! X

So it was a no. I’m so upset by this. I feel because I’m the one who left the relationship I’m being punished. I feel like she’s saying that because I’ve left I have lost all privileges to attend family gatherings and I’m no longer welcome. If it was my family and my ex husband wanted to come I’d have absolutely no problem, nor would my family. I feel it’s a bit childish.

My initial reaction was to not allow my son to go without me but I don’t want him to miss out.

What are your thoughts? I’m I being too sensitive?

Just for context I left him due to lack of support for me when my mental health declined after I had my son. I found text messages on his phone saying he wanted to punch me, calling me a c**t and making up stories about me for sympathy. I’ve forgiven all that and we are great friends, though I’d ever g get back with him.

Oh god this sounds exactly like my mum. After she left my dad she was hugely upset that it meant that she wasn't treated exactly how she always was by his family. She even huffed and puffed because my step mum sat with my dad's siblings at my wedding even though she was on the top table.

They're his family, not yours.

No, no new girlfriend, I wouldn’t have asked if that was the case, that would definitely make me a nutter haha x

It’s interesting that you refer to him twice as your husband. Both that and wanting to go to his family gatherings are very unusual for a separated/divorced woman. Is there something more at play?

im sorry because I know this isn’t what you want to hear but this is dh and son’s family but they are no longer yours.

It’s great that you have managed to forge such a good relationship as co-parents and ex partners but I think it’s lulled you into thinking that automatically extends to the rest of the family too but it doesn’t.

I know it must be hard knowing you are not automatically part of certain parts of your sons life now and you are hurt to be missing things with him but the truth is you know he is with good people and while you won’t see him having certain experiences he still is having them surrounded by people who loved him.

I grew up in a similar circumstance after my parents divorced, they got on very well once the hurts had become the past and worked well as friends and co-parents infact even to the point of doing Christmas together sometimes! and one parent did carry on good contact like you with their ex in-laws but that parent wasn’t invited to family events like the one you just described.
they would occasionally see each other or visit with each other and got on well but from the divorce onwards each half of the family got together or celebrated separately and the ex in the scenario wouldn’t be there. As children it wasn’t odd it was our normal.

please try not to refuse your son the opportunity to spend time with his family I can understand you jumping to that because you were hurt but it’s not about you it’s about him and I promise you it will only hurt your son in the long run! As long as you know he is safe and looked after then that’s all that matters isn’t it?

I guess it might seem cheeky when you don’t know all the details. We all still take my son out together, she gets invited to mine for dinner, I go on holidays with me ex and son…..if she wanted to come to one of my families gatherings I’d be over the moon. I guess I have different boundaries to most people, I maybe need to rethink them 🫣 I’m just super friendly and would never want any animosity xx

@Gilliano1974 why should you be invited to their family gatherings?? you are no longer a member of their family! get your own family gathering arranged!

You are absolutely right. Thank you so much for your input and your story. He’s absolutely safe with his daddy and family and for that I’m so grateful. I guess I did make it about me in my head so I’m glad I posted and got some really good advice. It’s completely changed how I feel about it ❤️ xx

Would you have wanted to go if the party was at a tiny flat in a crappy part of Town?

I think ‘Luke will of course see his other relatives at his aunty Trisha's’ means ‘give our side of the fam a chance to enjoy Luke’. Ex-MIL probably read your text as while her son’s not good enough, you’ll still take access to the fancy house and grounds ta very much.

Hey, no, I think because we are not divorced I just still slip up and say my husband. It’s hard though to describe a whole relationship and circumstances in one small post. We are certainly not conventional exes that can’t stand the sight of each other haha, we’re better friends apart than we were together xx

You sound very sweet and well intentioned OP and I hope that you do something nice on that day for yourself.

They're not your family. It was weird to ask but sounds like you've sorted it now.

From your initial post I'd say you also asked the wrong person. If 'Trish' is hosting the party shouldn't you have asked her rather than the former MiL?

Absolutely I would!! You’re reading too much into that. My son absolutely loves the outdoors and their garden is absolutely gorgeous….I would love to see his face as he explores and share the experience with him. However, this post has helped so much and I understand that I can’t be there for every experience and it was not right for me to ask. I’m humbled xxx

I think the sensible thing would have been to ask your ex to speak with his family to see if they’d be ok with you joining, instead of asking directly yourself.

You asked to go to your ex husband’s family event and can’t understand why they’d say no? It’ll be a totally different dynamic if you were there. I get grieving the life you thought you’d have but this is a little weird.

Well you do talk about the house and gardens a lot!

Its a lot of change for you Op and your ex doesn't sound very nice (but you sound lovely) so just move on now, do something nice for yourself that day and look forward to hearing all about it from your son later

I did and he said he’d have no problem with me going. I could have left it at that and turned up haha, however I thought I’d better check it was ok. I’ve completely rethought the situation and realised I shouldn’t have asked anyone at all, not even the ex, and I’m very sorry I did xxx

Do you have many friends OP? Are they friends of the marriage? What do they think about the setup?

I’m sorry that suddenly they don’t class you as family anymore OP. They are all still your child’s family, but your child is your child so it’s hard to wrap around why you are not welcome just because you’re not with the child’s dad. It’s like the previous relationships mean nothing. It can be hard to process when your brain is wired to be kind and think that everyone should get on like grown ups. I hope you have your own family who is loving and kind, because not having your own family and loosing them on top is upsetting, but just cruel reality I’m afraid.

I do feel for you, and think you’re getting quite a hard time, especially when people don’t know the dynamic.

It’s a hard pill to swallow when you realise it’s true that they’re his family, not yours, and that things will usually cool off between you all when the relationship breaks down. Especially as you once did (and probably still do) consider them to be part of your family too.

unless it is an event focused on your mutual child, your attendance would be unusual. Your ex deserves a space to socialize with his family without you.

Is the party not even at ex-MIL's house?

It’s great that you both get on. My ex and I get on well, and for years I did attend his family events, but he’s since got remarried and of course now I don’t. We will always be friends, and if I was his wife I wouldn’t be impressed at the amount he messaged me, I never message him unless essential as I respect he’s got a new partner he messaged me a lot. I reply of course. Our kids are growing up now, so there won’t always be a reason for texting, I think he will feel that more than me.