Being punished for break up

[Gilliano1974]

Ive been separated from my husband for 3 years and we have a 4 year old autistic boy. We get on great and the way we co-parent should be made into a manual…..it’s working so well for us and our boy.

My husband’s family are having a get together at the end of July. The home where the party is being held is fabulous with fantastic gardens. My son will absolutely love it!!!! I’ve never had any issues with his side of the family, we still ring each other and we all share a family WhatsApp.

Today I asked if I could go to the family gathering as I’d love to see my son explore the gardens and watch him with the family. I said I’d cook a lasagne as I’m famous for them and the family has always loved them. This was my mother-in-laws reply…..

Hi sorry late reply
Ah it's not my call. Trish is having family because it'll be the last time any family get togethers happen there be4 they move to their new home . Don’t worry Luke will of course see his other relatives at his aunty Trisha's ,we'll make sure you have lots of pics!! X

So it was a no. I’m so upset by this. I feel because I’m the one who left the relationship I’m being punished. I feel like she’s saying that because I’ve left I have lost all privileges to attend family gatherings and I’m no longer welcome. If it was my family and my ex husband wanted to come I’d have absolutely no problem, nor would my family. I feel it’s a bit childish.

My initial reaction was to not allow my son to go without me but I don’t want him to miss out.

What are your thoughts? I’m I being too sensitive?

Just for context I left him due to lack of support for me when my mental health declined after I had my son. I found text messages on his phone saying he wanted to punch me, calling me a c**t and making up stories about me for sympathy. I’ve forgiven all that and we are great friends, though I’d ever g get back with him.

@ Gilliano1974 there are very few MN threads where people actually seem to listen, understand and take what's said on board. Don't take the actions of your inlaws personally, it's just what happens with divorce.

Put some boundaries in place, protect yourself and carry on being a good co-parent with your ex, because you sound great.

100% this!!!

No you're seperated. The family see you as seperated. They are on his side no matter what and even if they are super pally with you you are an outsider. Make some distance.

Op it seems you are keeping this very close almost marriage because it suits you. You don’t really want to move on romantically, so it suits you.

But you seem to want all the benefits of being married to him, without being with him. And you want everyone else to do the same. Still treat you as a unit. The your gut feeling is that you are being punished if everyone else doesn’t go along with it. Because you still see yourself in more than a co parenting relationship on some level.

You know it’s causing confusion for him. You know he isn’t ready to move on because he is in the semi relationship with you. But you don’t want him. It’s time to piss or get off the pot so to speak

Honestly everyone….thank you all so much!!!! This has been a massive eye opener for me and like a counselling session. I’m definitely coming away from this with a new perspective. I honestly think I’ve been completely self absorbed for the past three years and felt sorry for myself. It’s difficult when you are the primary carer to let go because it’s so hard, especially when your child has special needs, however I realise now that because of the situation I’m going to have to. It was my choice after all and I think I wanted everything the same but just different houses and no romance….. that’s not fair on anyone. Thank you all again xxxx

My MIL told me a few months ago I'll always be family but I don't believe it. She also said she won't take sides when we split. Her behaviour is telling me she is taking sides as she isn't supporting me. It's hard when I did nothing wrong. It's all him. People are just weird.

One million percent!!!! This thread has changed the way I’m thinking completely!! I’m not a bad person, just muddling through life the best I can. We all make wrong choices and thanks to everyone here I can see I have been doing it wrong for some time 🫣 I’m taking this all on board and can hopefully make better choices and set clearer boundaries xxx

Yeah they told me the same but I’m not sure what story he told them when I left. That’s none of my business though haha. I know they all respect me and know they all think the world of my son. That should be enough and I definitely think I’ve been pushing the boundaries too much xx

Agreed. They are not your family. Honestly it's perfectly normal the host has said no. I understand you and your ex are doing great as ex's. That's wonderful for your child. But that does not mean any of is family want you there.

I think she meant it but her actions aren't matching. I'll be moving hours away so it will become irrelevant.

Make sure you or your ex check there is no pond.

Small children and ponds and people looking after them who aren't aware of ponds/don't know how small kids just take off, can be disastrous.

Haha lots of people say that!! I’m really not sure it can work and I’m frightened to try in case it all goes tits up again, it may just prolong the separation and pain. I don’t feel like I’m in love with him anymore so I don’t want to try to give something that’s not there xx

Yes, there’s part of me that worried about this as my son has no sense of danger, however I know his daddy would never take his eyes from him xx

Honestly Op, better boundaries is the ways and you won’t get these hurt feelings you experienced.

My son is autistic. I am a single parent household though I have a partner who doesn’t live here. And was single for quite a while. I was always the main carer. So I get it.

I get the attraction of lots of the benefits of being in a relationship and not living together. But it’s different when it’s a new partner and never lived together rather than a long relationship that’s split up.

It’s good you are realising that things have to change. The marriage is over. But you can establish a new relationship that’s actually comparing. Not this limbo.

and honestly, it’s going to be more confusing for your son if his father meets someone new and then it all changes. Or if you unexpectedly meet someone.

I think it's great that you are now going to maybe have more boundaries. It's helpful you get a long that will make it easier moving forward with your own lives whole parenting in a more healthy way. Don't be hard on yourself. If the worst thing from the breakdown was you were too friendly and attached that is pretty good!

A good parent wouldn't stop their child attending an event the other parents family held.
I think it's weird you want to go. You split up 3 years ago. You instigated it because the other parent has not supportive according to you. Move on. The lasagne thing is even weirder -they were likely being polite.

My mum and dad divorced but stayed the best of friends

hiwever I couldn’t ever imagine my mum expecting to go over me dads for a party

i I mean come on!

however due to how well my parents got in I had no issue whatsoever with their divorce

just think how good it is for your son.

If you wanted to give it a go because you were both still in love you would be back together.

The relationship has stayed how it is out of convenience and some misguided ideals.

If you don’t romantic my love him it would be a disaster. Especially for your child. Too confusing.

The door closes and doors go both ways. Maybe it's time for a bit of distance. You're too emeshed in your old life.

I think the notion that when parents separate, they are no longer “family” is a cultural one rather than based in fact- you are still a family to your child, and I think it’s admirable to try to maintain this link and in the best interests of the child.

imagine if we lived in a world where people were able to respect and honour the child’s family. if people could actually support separated parents to make this work, and help them over the inevitable hurdles.

because for your son to be told explicitly or implicitly - this is a family occasion therefor your mother is not here- , what sort of message does that give him? You’re an outsider, he’s half an outsider.

People are generally too stuck in their ideas about what is to consider this- I’m with you on your original post.

clearly your sons grandmother did not mean to be hurtful towards you, but I don’t think you did anything wrong whatsoever. Hold your head up high babe

She isn't your mother in law she's your ex mother in law and he's your ex husband not your husband. They are your sons family but not your family so they will invite your son but not you because you aren't part of that family anymore. But that's all perfectly normal and nothing to get upset about. They aren't being mean they are just doing what most people would do. So it's not personal and you don't need to feel upset.

Thank you so much!!! I think you are the only one who really understood where I was coming from. I always feel we should do what feels right instead of having to follow the “norm”…. However not everyone thinks like that so I have to respect it xxx

F