Being punished for break up

[Gilliano1974]

Ive been separated from my husband for 3 years and we have a 4 year old autistic boy. We get on great and the way we co-parent should be made into a manual…..it’s working so well for us and our boy.

My husband’s family are having a get together at the end of July. The home where the party is being held is fabulous with fantastic gardens. My son will absolutely love it!!!! I’ve never had any issues with his side of the family, we still ring each other and we all share a family WhatsApp.

Today I asked if I could go to the family gathering as I’d love to see my son explore the gardens and watch him with the family. I said I’d cook a lasagne as I’m famous for them and the family has always loved them. This was my mother-in-laws reply…..

Hi sorry late reply
Ah it's not my call. Trish is having family because it'll be the last time any family get togethers happen there be4 they move to their new home . Don’t worry Luke will of course see his other relatives at his aunty Trisha's ,we'll make sure you have lots of pics!! X

So it was a no. I’m so upset by this. I feel because I’m the one who left the relationship I’m being punished. I feel like she’s saying that because I’ve left I have lost all privileges to attend family gatherings and I’m no longer welcome. If it was my family and my ex husband wanted to come I’d have absolutely no problem, nor would my family. I feel it’s a bit childish.

My initial reaction was to not allow my son to go without me but I don’t want him to miss out.

What are your thoughts? I’m I being too sensitive?

Just for context I left him due to lack of support for me when my mental health declined after I had my son. I found text messages on his phone saying he wanted to punch me, calling me a c**t and making up stories about me for sympathy. I’ve forgiven all that and we are great friends, though I’d ever g get back with him.

I think it's great that this thread has caused you to rethink the current arrangements in your relationship with your ex.

But this post confuses me. What do you mean about watching the family "fall in love" with your son? That indicates that he has had little contact with his father's family. Is that the case? If so, why? Do they all live very far away from you or something of that nature?

OP also consider its probably them setting out how they want it to be going forward as 3 years is a long time now for the dust to have somewhat settled from breakup. They may have gone along with u coming before just to keep the peace etc as it was all new but new house ,new beginning and new expectations are being set which is a good thing.

I guess I just still love them all no matter the circumstances.

This struck me and says a lot about you. I hope you manage to say this to your ex MIL and others sometime, I'm sure she will find it very moving.

I wish I had thought to say this to my late MIL before it was too late. Sadly the SILs don't speak to me now (apart from one) - because they fell out with my ex over the death of MIL and I ended up an innocent caught in the crossfire.

Hi, yes. His Aunt (my exes sister), Uncle and 2 nephews live in Qatar and other than his grandparents and dad he doesn’t see the rest of the family very often, just seasonal holidays x

I’m with you as well. If dh and I split I know my sil would still invite me to get together with family. Even if dh had a girlfriend she wouldn’t give a second thought to me being family.

So many posters on mumsnet have really sad lives it seems. I know you’ve taken some comments on board but don’t drown yourself in such a negative outlook. So many separated families who co parent should look at keeping a family unit with the in-laws.

Thank You! I’ve known everyone for 25 years as we were friends before dating so it’s hard to be excluded. I have to admit though my ex is confused and after 3 years is not even trying to move on, he definitely holds some hope and I guess I’m feeding that. I think I need to step back x

But does it feel right?

Does it feel right when you know he is confused about the relationship? But carry on regardless?

Does it feel right when you assume you are to be included and you aren't?

You are both family to your son. That will never change. But you decided to end the relationship with your husband. That changes the whole dynamic. And there's lots of other people who impact that dynamic.

Healthy families have boundaries. And it's not a problem. You can still have a great relationship with ex AND have boundries

And as you can see it's creating issues. You felt it was appropriate to be invited. His family didn't. That didn't feel right to you, to the point you thought about making your son miss out. Did that feel right?

If you have got to the point you are considering stopping your son doing things because people won't treat you as though you are still together, it's not really going so well.

Yabu. I'm shocked you think you be invited. You not family. You were rude to ask. Let your DS go with his dad and you have some time yourself

Double posting for some reason....

Oh goodness, that’s so sad. I will remember that and I will let her know if the circumstances feel right xx

Stopping my son going was just a knee jerk reaction, I would never have done that. This thread has made me think and really reconsider my whole situation. I’m glad I posted it, I needed the to hear all this. Thank you so much for your input xx

Are you separated or divorced?

I think some families would have been generous and invited you too.

I know families where the parents of a child mix freely with their respective new spouses and even have holidays together.

I also know families where parents keep in touch with their 'ex' daughters in law or sons in law.

Whoever 'walked away' is meaningless.

The fact you both co-parent successfully means your divorce hasn't changed that.

Sorry.

She is the mother of their grandchild and always will be.

There are lots of families who don't cut ties because of a divorce.

Bless you! You sound really lovely. Don’t worry about having tried to get an invitation when perhaps it would have been better not to have done so. These things happen and it’s probably all forgotten about by now.
It sounds as though your ex in-laws think you are lovely too, so I’d be happy with
that if I were you.

I suppose that is the difference with us. Me and ex have moved on. I have a new partner. Ex knows we are not getting back together and is fine with that. He gets on well with my partner too!

Sorry but you no longer family! Plus in future a new partner wouid be going to gatherings leaving you in the cold anyway. I agree with other's it was peculiar to expect to go.

Maybe the father of your child has a new ‘friend’ and wants them to come along. To save you being upset and possibly ruining things for the party that haven’t invited you. It’s ok not to be invited, your son will enjoy himself and you can treat yourself with peace and quiet. X

YABU I’m afraid. It’s amazing that you and your ex get along and are able to co parent well for the sake of your child. However you can’t expect to still be invited to family events.

I think you are being unreasonable and it’s a bit weird that you asked to be honest, you have no right and why would you. You need to create your own memories with your DS. I think you had a very nice and polite text from your MIL.

I don't invite my ex to my family gatherings and I am not invited to his family's events either. I am not part of his family, he is not part of mine. What made you think you would be invited?

That is so. But the events that ex-in-laws go to tend to be ones about the DCs. For example, both my ex, my late DH, my SS, and my DD all went to a grandchild's christening, as did my SD - all invited by DS and his DP. But I would not expect to go to a party with my ex's family if it was not to do with his and my DCs or DGC.

This. The dynamics change regardless of how well you co parent. It’s a painful fact to learn, as I found out myself, but you are no longer part of their family and therefore it would be very odd if you went along.

Family is many different things. But apparently your son and his father don't belong to one who is inclusive. I don't think you were wrong for asking but apparently they have removed you completely. Remember that because there will come the time where they will ask for inclusion.

It can depend. I went to my ex-SILs wedding. Ex has come to visit my DB and DSIL. It works well for us.

YABU she never said you weren't welcome she said it wasn't her call for one. Ask Trish not her. Secondly even if you aren't why do you well entitled to be allowed to go. This is your ex's family and whether you get on or.not it's up to them who go to their events.