Being punished for break up

[Gilliano1974]

Ive been separated from my husband for 3 years and we have a 4 year old autistic boy. We get on great and the way we co-parent should be made into a manual…..it’s working so well for us and our boy.

My husband’s family are having a get together at the end of July. The home where the party is being held is fabulous with fantastic gardens. My son will absolutely love it!!!! I’ve never had any issues with his side of the family, we still ring each other and we all share a family WhatsApp.

Today I asked if I could go to the family gathering as I’d love to see my son explore the gardens and watch him with the family. I said I’d cook a lasagne as I’m famous for them and the family has always loved them. This was my mother-in-laws reply…..

Hi sorry late reply
Ah it's not my call. Trish is having family because it'll be the last time any family get togethers happen there be4 they move to their new home . Don’t worry Luke will of course see his other relatives at his aunty Trisha's ,we'll make sure you have lots of pics!! X

So it was a no. I’m so upset by this. I feel because I’m the one who left the relationship I’m being punished. I feel like she’s saying that because I’ve left I have lost all privileges to attend family gatherings and I’m no longer welcome. If it was my family and my ex husband wanted to come I’d have absolutely no problem, nor would my family. I feel it’s a bit childish.

My initial reaction was to not allow my son to go without me but I don’t want him to miss out.

What are your thoughts? I’m I being too sensitive?

Just for context I left him due to lack of support for me when my mental health declined after I had my son. I found text messages on his phone saying he wanted to punch me, calling me a c**t and making up stories about me for sympathy. I’ve forgiven all that and we are great friends, though I’d ever g get back with him.

Yes, we’ve known each other for 25 years, we dated 15 years ago then got married so we share a lot of friends. They are all still in both our lives and they really respect how we co-parent together. I’m starting to think we both need to look at our boundaries as we have an unconventional relationship for exes and that might be why I felt punished and left out. I’m pleased I posted as it’s forced me to see things differently xx

I think you need to accept that when marriages end, dynamics change. It’s great you are coparenting together.

But it doesn’t mean everyone else has to continue to treat you as a family unit. It’s really not punishment. Things have changed. That’s just how it is, punishment doesn’t come into it.

I just think you need to get your head round that. And also your son needs to get used to you both parenting him alone.

I also think the whole ‘I would love to see him enjoy their gardens’ and what you wrote about here, does sound a bit like ‘I don’t want to miss it because it’s at a nice house’.

I guess it did come across like that but that’s not what I was trying to express 🫣🫣

My ex takes my son on lots and lots of adventures alone as he has him overnight once a week. The only reason I wanted to go to this one was to experience it with him and for me to watch how the family will fall in love with my son. On reflection this was a selfish thought on my behalf and I don’t think I should have asked xxx

I have this kind of relationship with my ex who I have two kids (one of which we decided to have post separation, that's how close we were as co-parents). Just want to warn you that if/when one of you gets together with someone else it is like an emotional bomb going off (at least it was in my case). Made me realise or rather forced me to confront that the lack of boundaries was actually unhealthy, rather than it being "so healthy that we're able to be such good friends" etc type of thinking. And i was the same as you, no way I'd want to be with my ex romantically again, but him meeting someone else still completely floored me. So be prepared.

That’s a really lovely update OP, good for you, I hope you find yourself something really fun to do on that date instead. You’re child-free for the day/night so go out and enjoy yourself!

I think this is very harsh. I agree that OP is being unreasonable thinking she should have been invited, and for asking to go. But her reasons were sound - she knew her son would love it and wanted to see him exploring the gardens and interacting with his family. The fact that he is autistic is very relevant, and depending on the severity, may explain OP’s desire to see his interactions. This type of mean comment is typical of MN.

It sounds as if in the nicest possible way, your ex MIL is letting you know there's a distinction between 'family' and 'people who get on great despite not being exactly family any more'. I'd definitely think about your boundaries, and I'm wondering - just guessing really from the message - if your ex's mother and sister think your ex is still a bit too involved with you & maybe should be moving on?

I’m actually sat here rethinking our whole relationship!! I’m now not sure how healthy it is and I think I’ve been very selfish. I think I needed all these perspectives to make me look at this from the outside. I’m so pleased I posted as it’s really made me think. Thank you so much for your story, it’s really helpful xx

OP, why are you still going on holiday together and not divorced after 3 years?

I’m a stepmom (a role I adore) and my DH and I have a great co-parenting relationship with their mum and her new husband. We will happily attend family occasions centered around the children (birthdays, celebration dinners after a big sports performance, etc) and collaborate well on child-related things. But that relationship includes strong, healthy boundaries and those existed before I became involved. If I had met my DH and found out he was still married and holidaying with his ex, I would have run the other way because that’s a man who is still actively in a relationship and not ready to move on.

Your ex’s family may have a clearer view of this situation than you.

It actually sounds like you view yourself as in a relationship with him. Just not living together.

I wouldn’t worry about it.

splitting up is a massive change, I know it’s hard to just lose a whole lot of people who you shared years with. you were right to seek out advice.

im impressed you have taken everyone’s comments on the chin.

i think this thread has been an eye opener for you but hopefully it sounds like it’s been helpful too.

you are doing a great job keeping things as easy as possible for your son and this will just be another part to it in the future.

my advice would be to use the times away from your son to build a new separate life wether that be a hobby or new or old friends or even just doing something you enjoy like going for a coffee/lunch or having a long bath. Once it’s normal to fill this time it won’t feel so much like it’s empty or you are missing out

Glad you have taken the responses well. IMO you have separated from your husband, if your relationship is good that’s fine but his family don’t and probs WONT include you going forward. There will be a time when your ex has a new partner who will be welcomed into his family. Your son will be apart of that too. It’s best to keep you out of events so in the future this doesn’t become an issue. Not being rude but stay in your lane.

Yes!!!! I’m thinking about our whole relationship now and I bet they do!! He is so not ready to move on and I think that’s down to me. I give him absolutely no encouragement romance wise, however he did say not that long ago he is confused. I’m not looking for a new relationship at all….Im very content on my own for now, maybe forever. I am 49 and I’m over all that haha. I’m definitely going away from this with a LOT to think about xx

OP I really think you need to reconsider your boundaries with your ex. He's called you a cunt, said he wants to hit you and spread lies about you to deny you a support network. And yet you call him a great friend. Co-parenting with him is good for your child but is being friends with him really any good for you?

You’re not part of their family any longer. It’s a bit cringe you asked to go.

Any holidays are just for my son. I don’t drive so we go away to visit theme parks and the like. I thought we were doing great but this post has me thinking maybe we are not and that we absolutely need to do things separately and set boundaries. I’ve never, ever given him any reason to think we could be romantically involved again. I do everything so my son doesn’t feel the break up. However I’m now realising I may be going about this in the wrong way. Me not totally separating from him and getting divorced maybe be still giving him hope. I think you’re right, his family are seeing things much clearer xx

I know where you are coming from as I have a great relationship with my ex-DH.

We still go on trips together, visited his sister together, I always take him out on his birthday and father's day. He brought the children out for ice cream with me on my birthday. We obviously do things together on the kids' birthdays and we always have a Christmas outing together and an outing in the summer usually too. He has come to see my family and they still send him a birthday card.

However his mum and her side of the family will have nothing to do with me. On the odd occasion I see his mum out with him, she will completely ignore me and the children. She won't let the children over to her flat. There's nothing I can do about that.

It's nothing to do with you, it's just how this person is. Just enjoy the good relationship you have with your ex and other members of the family.

And no, my ex doesn't think we are getting back together again!!

I don't think you are really exes. You are husband and wife with an unconventional marriage that involves living apart. You don't have to follow society's norms and have either a conventional marriage or a conventional divorce imposed on you. I do think, however, that you ought totally to each other about yourselves and not just your son.

*to talk (not totally)

Hey…..we’ve spoke in depth about what happened in the past, I’ve both understood and forgiven him. He was struggling too and it was his way to express his emotions. Not the best way to do it but I understand why. I was 44 when I fell pregnant and wasn’t expecting it. It was very hard at the beginning, our lives changed so much. Then Covid hit and the isolation and fear had a significant impact on both of us. I spoke about it, got counselling, accepted medication and over the years recovered from it. He didn’t. His life changed as much as mine and then I left him. He’s still very affected by it all. I’m just trying to be a good person but maybe I’m making things harder for everyone xxx

I agree we need to talk. He’s awful at it haha. He just clams up and won’t speak. I think im easy to talk to so he should be able to express himself. I think he’s just scared to say the wrong thing and prefers to say nothing. It’s part of the reason I left as I just never knew what he was thinking. I did want to do some couple therapy when we were still together but we couldn’t afford it xx

I get on really well with my exes family and always invite them to gatherings regarding our child (birthdays etc) but wouldn’t dream of asking to go to their gatherings. Also I’d allow my child to go places without me when with their Dad, why on earth not!

Do you not understand what a break up is?

I'm glad this thread has been helpful for you

It's great that you're on good terms with ex and his family, but you're not part of their family now. I think that's a hard part of splitting up