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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Upset we weren't invited to the wedding

258 replies

Daisypod · 29/06/2024 15:31

My step sister is getting married in august, the invites went out a few weeks ago and it's become clear me and dh aren't invited. I asked my mum about this and she confirmed it, said she had asked my step dad about it and he just said he didn't want to get involved.
Mum and him got together when the kids were older teens/young adults so step siblings have never lived together but we've always got on. We all live in different cities and even countries but we have get togethers at Christmas etc
The wedding is abroad and child free (we have a few kids) but one of the other step siblings got married last year and it was child free and we went and had a lovely time, we had zero problem with this.
It's become clear also that it is going to be a very 'instagramable' wedding and we just don't fit in, all their friends are glamorous and we are homely and overweight.
They have invited family of parents, step parents, full siblings and their partners and about 40 friends according to my mum but we haven't made the cut.
I know the usual mn attitude is people can invite who they want to their wedding but Aibu to feel sad and angry at not being invited?

OP posts:
Dahlia57 · 30/06/2024 22:51

I understand you feeling snubbed and upset. My SIL had a 60th birthday a few years ago. She had a meal out with friends and I wasn't invited. We see quite a bit of each other and worked together in the past. We were bridesmaids for each other many years ago. Some of her friends were invited who I had also worked with in the past. I felt very hurt about this and have never forgotten it but didn't say anything to her and we still see each other fairly frequently. My children also understood my hurt feelings but it was better to stay quiet about it. It just made me wonder what she thinks about me.

71Isla · 30/06/2024 23:03

You are not being unreasonable. My family weren't invited to my Dh's nephews wedding but I won't let it get to me. You don't want a lasting rift. Just carry on with your lives but watch yourselves around them as they are obviously nasty and rude. Hold your head high and do you.x

T1Dmama · 01/07/2024 01:55

I’d be hurt. but I’d think of the money I’d saved in outfits and travel to the step sisters wedding… maybe book a holiday for you and your children instead… for that week!!

Alittlewordinyourear · 01/07/2024 08:29

You are right to feel upset . Now you know how they really feel about you but you also know who they really are - superficial shallow people who care more about “ likes” than people. Give no more thought to them and show zero interest in their wedding, cutting any conversation your mother or stepfather etc may initiate about it. No gift, no card. People like that need to be on the receiving end of hurt .

LazyGewl · 01/07/2024 08:55

Fat discrimination is real - research proves it. I find that when I am overweight some family members try to treat me like dirt. Rise above it. Hold your heads up and cultivate happiness. I assure you that one day they will lose their looks and their inner ugliness will be visible for all to see. Trust me on this. I am older and have seen this happen time and again.

Blossymoo · 01/07/2024 09:01

How horrible. People are just cruel. If it makes you feel any better when one of my oldest, closest friends decided to get married she asked me to be bridesmaid… I was so excited. I’d never been a bridesmaid before, went dress shopping, paid for the damn thing, two weeks later she said to me “I’m so sorry you can’t be bridesmaid now my mum says you are to pretty and will take the limelight off me but is it ok to give your dress to my sister seeing as you have already paid for it?” I was heartbroken. Now to put this into context. I am no raving beauty and have a bum you could park a bus in. I didn’t even go to the wedding after that and it’s never been the same again.

VioletLemon · 01/07/2024 09:03

Stop getting together. My SF passed away 15 years ago after decades of living with DM and my siblings. We got together every Christmas too. Have seen his adult children once since. Far too much forced 'getting on' of blended families and tbh it's a relief to me. Most of the effort was to keep my DM happy.

JustAnotherDadOf2 · 01/07/2024 09:16

That really sucks, fair weather friends living their lives through a social media veneer. Send them a telegram wishing them good luck. They'll need it.

VeneziaJ · 01/07/2024 09:20

Cut them out completely! no Christmas cards, no birthday cards no communication whatsoever and throw a party with the money you saved and invite your friends and the family who actually value spending time with you.

cremebrulait · 01/07/2024 09:30

i personally had a tiny wedding. The expense is unreal. The idea that you should be obligated to invite people seems old fashioned. Especially if you arrange a destination wedding you’re either way bound to upset people. Who knows how many close friends they’ve invited or how many people who aren’t super close were ALSO not invited. There’s a budget, venue capacity, and it’s their wedding. OP how do you feel when people oblige you to do big things? Do you begrudge them?

countcalculia · 01/07/2024 09:32

Blossymoo · 01/07/2024 09:01

How horrible. People are just cruel. If it makes you feel any better when one of my oldest, closest friends decided to get married she asked me to be bridesmaid… I was so excited. I’d never been a bridesmaid before, went dress shopping, paid for the damn thing, two weeks later she said to me “I’m so sorry you can’t be bridesmaid now my mum says you are to pretty and will take the limelight off me but is it ok to give your dress to my sister seeing as you have already paid for it?” I was heartbroken. Now to put this into context. I am no raving beauty and have a bum you could park a bus in. I didn’t even go to the wedding after that and it’s never been the same again.

What a bitch! Did you give her the dress? Please say no.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 01/07/2024 10:16

I would send a card but not a gift, then forget about it. Stay your decent, friendly self and still be pleasant when you meet her in future. Meanwhile, enjoy a holiday with the money you would have spent and have a much nicer time 😀

Piksi55 · 01/07/2024 10:19

YANBU. My goddaughter got married last week and I wasn't invited. I would have loved to have gone. My daughter is getting married overseas next year, 2nd time, just her, partner and the children (no shared children, and all older). My son is getting married soon. Has invited his stepsiblings, but not their partners. All of which makes me sad. What has happened to you is very unfair and unkind. No invite, no present etc. In fact no acknowledgement of the event from you. I would say.

countcalculia · 01/07/2024 11:01

Gill61 · 30/06/2024 20:05

We were invited to our sons wedding but they did not invite granddad or brother or sister but all the brides family were invited the excuse was only people who had done things for them.

Wow, your son was very unreasonable. People who use weddings to score points are really deluded. It's just one day, and people willl forget the wedding but won't forgot that he excluded them.

Donsyb · 01/07/2024 11:22

Daisypod · 29/06/2024 15:52

Thanks everyone for letting me know I'm not unreasonable. Embarrassingly I had assumed I'd be invited and had money put aside and was looking forward to a few days away as it's in a country I love. Childcare wouldn't have been a problem.
I shall try to book something else to do with the kids.

Assuming you had childcare as it was a no kids wedding, why don’t you arrange to go there without them at a different time with the money, seeing as you were looking forward to it?

Crazycrazylady · 01/07/2024 11:31

Honestly I don't see it as step siblings when all parties were adults at the start: it's more that her dad married your mom which is a very different relationship. I understand that you're hurt though and don't see it that way.

Wexone · 01/07/2024 11:33

Blossymoo · 01/07/2024 09:01

How horrible. People are just cruel. If it makes you feel any better when one of my oldest, closest friends decided to get married she asked me to be bridesmaid… I was so excited. I’d never been a bridesmaid before, went dress shopping, paid for the damn thing, two weeks later she said to me “I’m so sorry you can’t be bridesmaid now my mum says you are to pretty and will take the limelight off me but is it ok to give your dress to my sister seeing as you have already paid for it?” I was heartbroken. Now to put this into context. I am no raving beauty and have a bum you could park a bus in. I didn’t even go to the wedding after that and it’s never been the same again.

Sweet Jesus Christ i hope she is no longer your friend and you did not give the dress back
What a see you next Tuesday

xxFairyNuffxx · 01/07/2024 13:11

Blossymoo · 01/07/2024 09:01

How horrible. People are just cruel. If it makes you feel any better when one of my oldest, closest friends decided to get married she asked me to be bridesmaid… I was so excited. I’d never been a bridesmaid before, went dress shopping, paid for the damn thing, two weeks later she said to me “I’m so sorry you can’t be bridesmaid now my mum says you are to pretty and will take the limelight off me but is it ok to give your dress to my sister seeing as you have already paid for it?” I was heartbroken. Now to put this into context. I am no raving beauty and have a bum you could park a bus in. I didn’t even go to the wedding after that and it’s never been the same again.

Please tell me you informed her that her sister could have the dress for what you paid for it, plus a substantial mark up for your time and to soothe your hurt feelings.

One of my bridesmaid's now MIL decided that the flower girl dress I bought for her 1 year old was too plain and embellished it with loads of frou frou flowers, bows and stuff. This was revealed on the morning of the wedding itself. She just wore it, I had bigger wedding morning disasters going on, but when I saw it I just thought... CF.

I was then her bridesmaid in return. That same MIL bought a dress for me off eBay without any discussion at all. My friend showed me a photo. I simply pointed out that nobody could ever think I was a size 12. Nothing else was said, my friend quietly arranged a bridesmaid dress shopping trip for the two of us, as I had done with my girls.

akasalishsea · 01/07/2024 19:33

I am so sad to hear you describe yourself as homely and overweight. This sounds like you put yourself down for your very being and are uncomfortable with who you are. There are no homely people, just different from us looking people or different looking from the crowd we are used to being around. If you judge yourself harshly do you also judge others this way? Perhaps read into things were nothing offensive exist. You did say only full siblings and their partners are invited. This means half siblings, such as yourself are not invited.

To think being homely and overweight as one reason not to get invited to a wedding is an assumption that actually puts you down as well as your step sister because you are accusing her of being superficial. We've been to glamorous weddings (pain in the bum) where everyone dresses up and I have discovered "everyone cleans up" nicely for those no matter their weight, how they perceive themselves or how casual they might be on a daily level because of the more formal attire, make up etc.

If you truly were the only step relative not being invited, which it does not sound like since you said they are inviting full siblings and spouses, something else is at play and you may want to ask your step sister if you have done something to offend her. If you know you have not, then just assume no step siblings are going, it's the norm and no offense was met. In our family dynamics the step siblings met later in life as teens and young adults, have little in common and are holiday friends. No biggie. And it also sounds like if you deem them glamorous to your dowdiness, the comparisons can't help but feel awful and other people pick up on such awkwardness.

If you have decided your step sister is a superficial bitch who is snubbing you but you don't want to ask her directly if you have offended her then you will bring that attitude to every gathering she is at and you will bring unwarranted drama to the family dynamics. Don't go there. Assume no step siblings are invited, be glad to not spend the money to go, enjoy your precious life and lose the weight so you can feel awesome about that aspect of your life- been there (excessively hard work), done that and it truly is a worthwhile effort.

There is a great book called Self Compassion by Kristen Neff and I highly recommend it to people who put themselves down and suffer from worthlessness. It's easier to blame others for how bad we feel about ourselves, including making a step sibling out to be the problem because of this or that, then it is to do the hard work of making ourselves the person we wish to be. Most of the difficulty lies in not recognizing our role in keeping ourselves down through excuses and lack of compassion for self and others. Instead we let anger run our lives. Don't go there. Your step sibling has every right to invite whom she wants to her wedding which means being angry or hurt is not an appropriate response if you believe in her autonomy and even your own when you make a decision that potentially hurts another's feelings, though unintentional. I recommend you send her a beautiful engagement card, if you haven't already, wishing them the best time at their upcoming wedding. If you've sent an engagement card then just send a lovely wedding card congratulating them and wishing them the loveliest of days. This helps keep the family dynamics flowing in a way that doesn't create harmful drama, helps you mature in your compassion and responses to being hurt and helps everyone know you as a mature, confident woman- great example to your children and your family.

T1Dmama · 02/07/2024 07:35

Blossymoo · 01/07/2024 09:01

How horrible. People are just cruel. If it makes you feel any better when one of my oldest, closest friends decided to get married she asked me to be bridesmaid… I was so excited. I’d never been a bridesmaid before, went dress shopping, paid for the damn thing, two weeks later she said to me “I’m so sorry you can’t be bridesmaid now my mum says you are to pretty and will take the limelight off me but is it ok to give your dress to my sister seeing as you have already paid for it?” I was heartbroken. Now to put this into context. I am no raving beauty and have a bum you could park a bus in. I didn’t even go to the wedding after that and it’s never been the same again.

I hope you said ‘yes I’d like what I paid for it… thanks!’

Cattyisbatty · 02/07/2024 08:02

An instagrammable wedding sounds like the most tedious thing on earth so you may have had a lucky escape. Weddings are only really good when you are close with a few of the guests - either friends or family.
You’re entitled to feel rubbish about it, but maybe it’s for the best.

ellyeth · 02/07/2024 20:22

I would be upset too.. I wouldn't go out of my way to be friendly towards them in future.

I hope you can do something nice with the money that you have saved.

Pennypop81 · 02/07/2024 20:55

YANBU spend the money on your kids. Have a weekend with them.

FenT · 03/07/2024 12:07

LuckysDadsHat · 29/06/2024 15:40

Just ignore them from now on. Shown their true colours. And be relieved after the hurt has settled a bit that yoy haven't got to pay out ££££ to give abroad and be celebrating a wedding of someone who is a bitch. Don't send them a present either. No invite, no present.

Love this xx

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 03/07/2024 15:53

Jeschara · 29/06/2024 15:46

Higher your bar OP by not carring about them, they are the sad, plastic,fake, no substance people you really do not need to accociate with.
You say you have a few children, show them you don't care and mean it. You are real people, they are show offs. Carry on being the nice person you are.

This.
Have a great well photographed time on the day of the wedding and splash all over Instagram