Upset we weren't invited to the wedding

[Daisypod]

My step sister is getting married in august, the invites went out a few weeks ago and it's become clear me and dh aren't invited. I asked my mum about this and she confirmed it, said she had asked my step dad about it and he just said he didn't want to get involved.
Mum and him got together when the kids were older teens/young adults so step siblings have never lived together but we've always got on. We all live in different cities and even countries but we have get togethers at Christmas etc
The wedding is abroad and child free (we have a few kids) but one of the other step siblings got married last year and it was child free and we went and had a lovely time, we had zero problem with this.
It's become clear also that it is going to be a very 'instagramable' wedding and we just don't fit in, all their friends are glamorous and we are homely and overweight.
They have invited family of parents, step parents, full siblings and their partners and about 40 friends according to my mum but we haven't made the cut.
I know the usual mn attitude is people can invite who they want to their wedding but Aibu to feel sad and angry at not being invited?

Send a message wishing them all the best. You can rise above this

Yep. So many posts all about revenge.

It's hurtful, but dealing with it with dignity is the mature way to go. Go the revenge route, and you come off worse. Hopefully you have enough self-respect to go high, not low @Daisypod

I sent a good luck message to a very old friend who didn't invite me to her wedding and I'm still cringing over it years later. I wish I'd just said and done nothing.

Come off worse to whom? The awful relatives who don’t care about OP in the first place? Why ‘turn the other cheek’ to nasty people and look like a doormat?

Your step sister sounds like a superficial tw*t! Take that money you saved and spend it exactly as you desire - you'll have a way funner time - celebrate yourself, dh and your kids and have some beautiful times together.

This is hurtful of course, but try to put it behind you and put the money towards a nice trip. If I were you, I'd ignore the wedding - no card or present.

Sad that weddings tend to lead to so much stress and grief. To be honest I only like the small informal ones.

So here’s a brides perspective: I’m planning a wedding both my mum and dad have died and I have a relatively small family, my FHs family is huge, especially when we add in partners. To combat having a massively one sided wedding we are keeping our numbers to 40 for the ceremony. With this in mind we have invited only people we see all the time, people who have some investment in our relationship and get that we will be serving our marriage with a side of humour.
there are aunts and uncles in his family that will be disappointed as they believe they are entitled to an invite, we have sat down with his parents and explained. They don’t like confrontation either so will be saying they are staying out of it.
it’s nothing personal, has nothing to do with styling or if I enjoyed the conversation with them at Uncle Nigel’s 60 party 3 years ago, I just want to know when I trip over my dress walking down the aisle I know all the faces are laughing along with me and not at me.
mic also worked hard to make sure it looks nice because I have low self esteem and just want one nice picture of myself so would be absolutely gutted if someone was calling it ‘instagrammable’ insinuating it was all for show.

YANBU, but neither are they, not even the stepdad.

I actually think he was right to not be involved, because it is THEIR wedding and he has (and should have) no say in it.

You are not wrong for feeling sorry about not being invited but I do not perceive it as a slight. You just did not make the cut, and that is OK - we all have people we care about more and people we care about less (albeit we still may like them and think they are OK).

Your stepsister just does not consider you to be very close to her, and it may sting but it is a reality and she did not do anything atrocious. I'd send her a nice card and mentally rank her into a group of acquaintances, not close people.

I know what you mean.
My cousin got married a couple of years ago and they were stressing over the late stage lockdown guest limit. They invited my brother and his partner but OH and I didn't get an invite.
My brother is a lazy sod and even though they're close he didn't want to travel across the country for it so at the last minute they said they couldn't go. So me and my OH got a last minute throwback invite just to fill the numbers.
I get it but also it seemed like surely my brother and I (actual blood relatives) got invites without our plus one would make more sense in a situation where you're limited? Anyway, my OH and I attended to fill the gap just out of a courtesy really but we know where we stand now in the family at least!

I've just gone over all of OP's posts to separate people's opinions from what she actually said.

OP's never lived with the half siblings, their parents married when children were late teens or young adults. She lives in another country and only sees them at Christmas and occasionally when she visits the specific place the half sister lives in. So, that's a handful of times per year, at most.

They "get on", which in my world translates into they are polite and civil, as relatives living in different countries usually are as they rarely see each other and there's no significant relationships or chances for typical family dramas to develop. There's no indication that they consider each other close family or friends.

Sure, OP can feel as she feels, she says family is important to her. But unless there's something she hasn't mentioned, the distance and lack of contact has meant that the relationship is just a matter of brief encounters at bigger family events.

I thought bubbles at the bridge sounded picturesque. I'm quite upset it was only at the bride

My sister didn't invite me to her wedding, neither did an erstwhile "good" friend or my youngest cousin. Perhaps its just me.

Don't completely blank her and send a card and a token present. After the event gush about how wonderful it looked on instagram and how everyone looked like they were having a great time. It would be interesting to know what her reaction is.

Generally wedding guests tend to be distant family members at the expense of close friends, I think this is in-case great aunty so-and-so has a few bob and you get mentioned in the will. You will never know the reason for the omission but don't worry about it as I'm sure you have better people in your life to spend your energy on. Actual genuine people and not a bunch of size 0, airbrushed avatars.

If you think it is a deliberate slight you could organise a party/barbeque for good friends on the same weekend and make sure there are pictures on social media which she may see. If you are the only ones not invited YANBU but if there are a lot of others in a similar category to you, ie. related by your parent's marriage or not in close regular contact who were also not invited then its not a personal snub.

Its just a wedding. Its just a party tha you don’t get to go to 🤷‍♀️

I don’t understand why all this pressure around weddings. Who gets to go, who doesn’t get to go, what is served and what not. And then all the people who will have a beef about it for years to come. Honestly…. This whole drama would just make me want to get wed in secret.
I don’t know what to say. Two people are about to get married. Why is this about you?

YANBU. I can totally understand your hurt. Been there myself. But put this down to experience. You now know what she thinks of you but don't let it get you down. Think of the positives: you won't be out of pocket for a wedding abroad, outfits etc and you absolutely do NOT buy a wedding gift/stick money in a card. Me, I wouldn't even give her a card after this snub. Come to think of it, I wouldn't ever give her daylight in a dark corner😁😁

It's her step-sister. She ought to be invited. It's a snub and shows exactly what sort of person her step-sister is. Weddings are about joining families, not just personal. Great-Aunt Maud in her killer-tomato hat must be invited. She will say inopportune things and get in the way of the photographer and it doesn't matter.

Yea but why?
And where do you make the cut-off?
And how much should you worry about upsetting people who are invited but absolutely hate the caje/drinks/decoration/seating partner and openly complain about it (are maybe even genuinely hurt).

Because it's family? Had I a step-sister I'd invite her to my wedding. It's courtesy. Not inviting close family is drawing the line too tight.

I'd save my temper for step father who refused to stand up for his wife's child.

Ah, saw OP’s update. So She isn’t a step-sibling. She’s the daughter of your stepdad who was already an adult when they married? If that’s the case then she and her siblings aren’t family & you’re only going to be more disappointed by viewing them as such. Take this as an opportunity to free yourself of them.

Weddings are a nightmare, and the guest list is just the beginning of it. I think the OP is being unreasonable in thinking that the reason for the lack of invitation is because she isn’t sufficiently instagrammable - I am sure that did not cross the bride’s mind. It will be much more about numbers. My DD is getting married later this year, and I swear the United Nations would have trouble sorting out the dilemmas and frictions over the guest list, due to family members falling out, and the fact that it’s not a huge wedding.

That's bang out of order that.

Hang on. She's the DD of OP's step-dad, who was already grown up when they married? She's a step-sister. I have two step-sons and also a DS (and DD, also a step-DD). They were all more or less grown up when I and my late DH married. We are all family.
Thus: sister/brother; half-sister/half-brother; step-sister/step-brother.
Full brothers and sisters share both parents.
Half-brothers/sisters are produced when two divorced/widowed people marry, both having children. The children of the new marriage are half-brothers/sisters to the children of both parents.
Step-brother/sister - this relationship exists where divorced/widowed people marry. Their original children are step-brothers/sisters to the children of the new partner. Subsequent children are of the half-blood to all original children (as above).
So OP's not very nice relative is her step-sister - a legal relationship that carries weight e.g. about thirty years ago a couple had an Act of Parliament just for them, so that they could marry. They were step-father and step-daughter. Without the act to permit marriage, they would have been committing legal incest. This is obviously to protect children in step-relationships, not to prevent an adult couple marrying after the death of one party's parent who was married to the other party.
OP's step-sisters is just nasty.

Ok so I found out this morning my brother got married on Saturday. We're both in our fifties. Our parents are dead. They were living wonderful people and I miss them every day. We have four cousins and he has me as his only sibling. I have adult (just) kids. We weren't told, it came up by accident from a mutual acquaintance. Hes not a family person so I wouldn't expect an invitation. But to not tell my adult kids or our cousins makes me feel he's done with family for ever and it's sad. We have so few family left and my boys are being shown what a crap family looks like, when in fact it was really close before we lost our parents.

initial reply was to another person.